Anorexia is all around

It's like anorexia is everywhere now. My older sis is doing a project on anorexia. She went to get Stick Thin from the library. And some other books HAHAHAAHAHA I told her i'd lend her my Wasted for 20 bucks. And then there was this awkward silence in the room in which I think I was the only person there who didn't feel awkward. They all know how devoted to that book I am, but they're all not too sure why. I found that particular incident extremely funny.
My younger sis on the other hand is doing this school thing called project work, and this year's topics are "Waste not, want not" and "The Eureka moment" and she told me a group in her class was doing the former topic on anorexia. I could only laugh. Clueless tits meddling with something that probably doesn't even mean shit to them. I can like totally imagine all the people mentioned above typing "anorexia" into Google, and going EWWWWWWWW at the images. Oh yeah. And like copying down "Symptoms... Refusal to maintain normal body weight blahblahblah" LOL.

So I realize that if I don't want to exactly starve, but I still want to lose weight I can if I do these things

Run/ do cardio things that will get me into the fat burning mode about 4 times a week. (Running for at least 15 minutes gets your body into the fat burning mode)

Eat A LITTLE wholemeal carbs and/or yogurt with low fat wholemeal cereal whenever i'm hungry many times throughout the day and peanut butter!!!

Avoid white carbs like it's oil

Not very intensive strength exercises (e.g. 50 push ups a day, pilates style workouts, arm workouts, lots of thigh and abs workouts) every other day

(cliched but) Seriously, be more active, like long boarding around my estate etc. Or like choosing to walk instead of taking the bus. Or whatever. And walking in high-heeled booties or heels are a great workout hahaaha.

And really, you'll find your body shrinking.

It's so not fair...

I gain weight RIDICULOUSLY easily. One week i'm 101 and eating super healthily, oatmeal and shit.
The next week I eat slightly more, y'know like perhaps cereal instead and BAM! one-oh-fuckingfour.
Like what the heck.
My body is one rebellious bitch. I want to shrink my thighs by this friday, those bitches ballooned up again.

I feel like learning how to slide on my longboard but it's in the middle of this MAJOR exam for me and if I get injured, yup.

Stupid thighs.

My sis went to get The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath in her iPad, I soooo wanna read it. LOVE Sylvia Plath.

You know me too well

I am actually considering deleting my tumblr account.
Cuz to me blogger are like my sisters but tumblr's all (or almost all since I met one tumblr friend in real life yesterday!!) strangers.
Tumblr knows me too well. Too well. People are starting to know too much, I feel so exposed. I want to delete it.


It's not very good to put too much of yourself into something.


"Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain."

101

Poundsssss:D
The other day my friend commented "Sarah is extremely thin", but surprisingly I did not feel anything I expected to like joy or elation like I would have 2 years ago. I felt this twinge of curiosity. Like a "Really?" I couldn't believe it.
Then they started talking about thinness, the table of girls and the thing is, in my previous school eating disorders, especially anorexia, was really prevalent. The same girl started talking about that. "The other time I was sitting at the bus stop just outside xxxx school, I saw this girl in a black jacket who was seriously stick thin, I kid you not. I was like OH MY GOODNESS that girl is like soooooo thin!!!!" And at that time everyone at the table was eating lunch except for me and so she triumphantly concluded "Therefore, everyone at xxxx school is anorexic!" (My school is an all-girls school)
lkjuimhyggasdfghjjkkl. Did she consider the girl's feelings or reasons, did she think the girl did not know how ugly she was being that thin?
How dare she. I think I might even know who "the girl in the black jacket" was. One of my friends. In my new school, it seems to me, everyone simply eats to their hearts' content. Sometimes I wonder if they gorge themselves, but seriously, I don't care. But they do. Eat sausages three days in a row and expect a big reaction. Bring an apple to school and it's "Are you trying to do the an-apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away thing?????" Eat cereal and "You never eat normal food!"
We're gonna part ways soon, junior college in my country only lasts 2 years, and yes i'm gonna miss them but definitely NOT gonna miss this aspect of it. I am so sick of it. The way others eat is none of anybody's business.

I am gonna meet this guy I came to know through tumblr. I am meeting him at this church. It's really awkward cuz once you know my blogger or tumblr, you'll know me inside out. And he's only just got to know me..... and he knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do?!!!?? O_O
His tumblr (I might edit this out in the future)-- l0velikejesus
Mine: empty-nothingness

Okay so i've been studying really hard for really long so I haven't gotten into the writing mood in forever. But last night I did!!!! It came upon me all of a sudden so I sat down, as usual, and wrote it out. I shared it on tumblr, and i'm gonna share it here as well.

So i’m thinking about beauty. How do you define it? Or more importantly, who has the right to define it? I believe the people who are best at identifying it are those who’ve had an ugly past, and have left that past behind them. These people will have walls around their hearts, but as the heart and soul heal, the walls start to go down. The ability to trust once again starts to take tentative gulps of air, sweet, sweet air, air it hasn’t had in a long time. These people may withdraw into themselves again from time to time, or ruin relationships with the lack of trust or all-consuming insecurities. People leave; the past may come back at 3am in the night as they sit on the windowsill, dwelling in the melancholy the night knows so well. That they know so well. But there are those- those who do get better. There are quite a lot of them. They acknowledge the past, they embrace it as a part of them, an unavoidable fact they will never escape and despite this, they move on. They allow the special few into their lives, maybe the new ones they meet, maybe those who helped them heal, who taught them to live, love, laugh and trust again. They allow them to peek into their soul despite the brokenness, the pain, possibly the lurking darkness, and also the hope that lives there. They know that there is the risk, there is the possibility of heartache that lurks around every corner. And yet they allow their souls to be seen and loved again for what it is. And yet they allow themselves to be vulnerable once more. 

These are the beautiful people. 

I hate this shit

I think this is truly the point where I start to go insane.
I can't study, can't focus can't think shit.
I stopped my pathetic "dieting" and lost 2 pounds. Which, obviously, makes it more pathetic.
My emotions are out of whack, I can't even feel anything properly. Like, what the heck?!!!

Crap! My exams are in 6 days and i'm going totally insane!

Don't know if I should take a total study break till Sunday. Sigh. Stupid brain

Exam madness

A levels in 96 days, and though my results are like one of the best in my class, I don't really feel prepared.
I'm 102, which sucks. Met up with one of my closest friends in the world on Tuesday night, both of us sort of binged together. Not in the unhealthy way, but i'm alternating between 250 and 350 calories a day till Sat to make up for that.
I plan to be 98 by mid August. Should be easy with discipline.
I've had a tension headache more or less continuously for 3 days, blehh.