Longboard!

Mine.... finally mine and i'm so in love with it!

1AM ramblings

I've never wanted anyone so much in my life and I can't even remember what he looks like 99% of the time without a pic or whatever. I love him for his... essence, if that makes sense, I don't love a particular thing about him, just HIM, everything about his existence. I love him with everything I am and he doesn't have a clue, he's just, so far from me, you know what I mean.

Whenever I think about him or see him, I feel this terrible terrible ache, radiating from my chest.

Dear Jesus, I want him so bad, gosh.

I can't wait to longboard, quite sick of skateboarding haha softer wheels would be so lovely.

I lovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehim

Please please please watch this!

Football woes

I miss football like crazy. If anybody asks me if I miss football, i'd say "What's not to miss?" But I know what I prioritize first, so. :/.

Anyway, Chinese new year's coming up, the freaking fatness of the food scares me just thinking about it. But the red packets! Can't wait to top up my long board fund! heh. My mom wants to share the longboard with me, can you believe it? It's just gonna save me a load of cash :p.

I find these tips or .... steps? Help me a lot:

Replace carbs, or most carbs with vegetables

Skateboard a lot!!!

Cereal for breakfast: muesli/ low fat granola, half a bowl, fill the rest of the serving with non-fat yogurt.

Munchies: Oats (Make you super full for long and it's about 119cals? ) or dry muesli and eat it slowly with your fingers haha, it takes some getting used to and it takes really long to eat and it's low cal.

Run at least 2km/20mins 2 times a week- FORCE YOURSELF!

Tone triceps, biceps, shoulders etc at least 3 times a week, but I do it quite lightly. like, 16 times with 1kg weights

Walk with my doggie:))! At least 2-3 times a week? A short distance only though...

Listen to worship songs while running- MY FAVORITE songs and helps me soooo much!

Yup.

Mini success story

I've lost 0.9kgs this past week! Overjoyed, though it could've been better. Yups... gotta go now, homework load's a killer tonight! Keep going girls!

Isolation

"I cannot alter the need for distance nor can I lessen the low and omnipresent pain that distance creates."- Marya Hornbacher, Wasted.

The story of my life. Now, in college, I neither have a clique nor a bestie, so basically i'm a floater. Which suits me perfectly. But it tends to get terribly lonely, and if i'm hanging out with a clique i'm not part of them so it's perfectly fine to let me be left out. I feel terribly lonely in college, yet I am so scared to get too near to anyone. I'm so lonely, so lonely.

I'm doing a college survey now, about our wellbeing and the questions go like " I cry ofetn/ have difficulty sleeping" and strongly disagree, disagree, agree, strongly agree. There are questions like if you cut yourself, if you wanna hurt yourself , if you need help and wanna talk to someone. I want to click strongly agree for I wanna talk to someone. ( I need help and I want to speak to someone) I wanna talk to someone, damn it. I'm a freaking tornado inside and i'm losing it. But, to talk to humans, they leave, you see. They always do.

This is one of those times when those fogs of great melancholy sets upon me. And it's not lifting.

(I've decided to paint a false picture of happiness in the survey, i'm only gonna be in college for 2 years, this being my last, no point building deep roots anywhere)

Gonna exercise as much as I can now!!

My head's gonna explode

I was supposed to stop starving. And then my mom's boss gave all the employees this darned machine which calculates BMR, body fat percentage, water percentage, etc. My BULIMIC sister's results for body fat: 19% and weight 39.8. BMI: 17.6 She's bloody thin and everybody is completely blind. I refused to step on it, and she patronizingly went, "It's okay, I won't see it". Which means she KNOWS she's bothering me. She's been making sure I know I'm fat ever since she's learnt the word, I wonder if it's forgivable if I say right now that ever since I realized she was a closet bulimic, I've hoped she'd die of it. I've never loved her and after all, it seems like my body image will NEVER improve as long as she's alive. I'm not sorry, I don't even LIKE, much less LOVE her.

I want to starve again, 2 weeks after convincing myself to "give it up". And last night I cut. I cannot wait to earn my own money and start living alone. For me, the biggest thing that signifies is THERAPY. I want to tell somebody, but they'll DEFINITELY FORCE me to tell my parents and the thing is whenever my mom sees a cut or two, it's always with my family. (I wear longer shorts at home, and when we go out as a family, my shorts are shorter) And my mom will say very loudly, insensitively, in my opinion "Are those CUTSSS??? Have you been cutting yourself?! LET ME SEE! Pull up your shorts!!! ....... NO?!!! Then why are those so REGULAR??"

I mean seriously, if you don't know how to deal with shit like this, then DON'T. She doesn't even consider how I might be feeling with the whole family's eyes on me. And a few months ago, I was with my family and I seriously needed to cut, like, urgently, so I tried an alternative, like whacking my leg with the other. My older, normal sis (announced, in my opinion) "Are you crazy.... always hurting yourself, what the hell man"

I hate my family, they are the biggest barriers to any hope of recovery. Hate them hate them hate them insensitive idiots.

And now i've been containing and dealing with everything so long I feel like my head's gonna explode. I need to deal with this and I CAN'T deal with it. My chest's gonna explode too. fml.

On another topic I AM GONNA GET A LONGBOARD!

But unlike all the other times with my skateboard and lotsa other stuff, this time I'm REALLY not gonna jump into purchasing it, I swear i'm gonna do some SERIOUS RESEARCH. Like, the brands/decks/trucks/etc, whether it's better to get a complete or assemble my own etc. Yup. I can barely wait. I'll probably but a complete one cuz to give a idea of the price, the cheapest wheels I could find online so far was about US$40 for 4 wheels or US$27 for 2 wheels...... yup, while the complete ones, including the shipping cost the cheapest I could find was US$189... so probably complete, but in Singapore, the average starting price for a complete one is S$250, reaching to prices of about $700.

I can't wait. For both the therapy and the board.

What went wrong?!

About 3 weeks ago I bought the book Scars that wound Scars that heal by Jan Kern, some guide to healing from you know what. (Yeah, from the start the message was to tell someone I trust which I obviously didn't) And everything was going so well, I SWEAR. Until last night I get frustrated about something pretty dumb.. and yeah. Couldn't even stem the emotions enough to pray a single word.

I want to tell someone, but who?? I want someone to love me enough to take the razor from my fingers and hug me, and to look at my scars and not judge. But, obviously, I don;t trust the human race that much.

Ashamed, disappointed, mad, confused, abandoned, resigned.