Quotes from the heart

You were never meant to be mine... i know that. But why can't i just accept it?

Making myself write lines to forget you.

Makes me wonder why teachers make us do that.

It doesn't work,

The message ain't sinking in.

Dear self,

Too much competition= don't bother.

Ps.But why not?

What I'm feeling towards you can't be called love, it goes way beyond that. Let's call it pain, shall we?

I know there's a 99% chance you won't love me back.

But i don't let go

Because 1%

Is enough reason for me

To keep holding on.

Ok.. not all are about me, a few are inspired from the people around me.

Was in China since christmas.

NO facebook

no blogger

no twitter

no Youtube

no wiki

Yup.

I'm in hongkong now:)

I feel fat:(

Feeling dead

Off to China tomorrow morning around 6AM. Surprise, surprise, i'm NOT excited at all. If my family wasn't so poor we had to choose the cheapest budget plane around, i might be a tad more excited cuz i luhvvv airplane rides. Honestly, the thing i'm looking forward to the most is the airport. I love love love love love Singapore's airports. All of it's terminals... But my favorite's terminal one. It's the hugest and whitest. Heh.. but all of them are just as clean.

Dreading the stupid christmas party later. Skipped breakfast this morning to avoid as much calories... only to have my parents buy me a cheeseburger for lunch. >( ahn-nnoying. About like 2 years ago my extended family stopped the about-15-pressies-per-person thing and had this lucky draw thing where you have to buy a pressie for the person whose name you draw..

So basically, if what i just said didn't make any sense, you get only one present. Pahh. 

Anyways. China. Staple food=rice=carbs=fat=fat=fat=fatfatfat. 

PISSED! And the other foods are either just as fattening or even more fattening!

At least there's still the shopping.. Thank gawd. The stuff's there like the same, only they're about one third to one fifth of the price.

It's kinda weird. At the start of the year i wanted to go to Bali. But thank God we're not going there, seeing where i started cutting in the middle of the year. 

I love Blogspot. I can say the things i can't say anywhere else-almost everything-here. I NEVER. EVER. Talk this much with my mouth. No one's interested anyways.. 

After the supposed-to-be-terrifying-incident with the razor, i called this really good friend who knows everything and wants me to stop  and i told her that for her sake i'll try my BEST to stop. Told her i needed to do it for someone i care about, becuz i clearly don't give a fuck about myself. 

Feeling dead. DEAD

Skinny, please stay.

Becoming skinny again. I'll really really try to prevent christmas from fucking this progress up. :/

Not gonna take my weight this time till i'm really confident, cos the problem with me is that when i don't see what i wanna see i give up. Well that sucks..

Fat fest (aka Christmas dinner with extended family) tomorrow. Sighh.

Managed to skip breakfast plus burn calories this morning-without suspicion. Was supposed to wash the bathroom with my dad. Puh-lease. I hate him. And he wouldn't even do anything right anyways. So i did it myself. I wonder how many calories that burnt..:D

Stupid christmas..

Spanish class is fantastic. Gonna miss the next one though, cos i'll be in HK/ China. Sucks. Tried to ask the centre to postpone it.. it's a really important one. We'll be learning the important stuff like He, She, Is, The, Of etc etc. Really need that lesson. She said she'll do whatever she can. Pissed off. NEED. THAT. LESSON. I'm kinda like the best in class, and i really think it's cos i'm the most interested.

Replies:

J : Yes. Kinda scary, in retrospect. But i think the worst thing is that despite what happened, i know deep down i'm gonna do it again..

lov2laff : Thanks:) I told a friend who knows about it later last night.. Told her to force me to stop. I don't think it'll work.

Help wanted... NEEDED

Same old, same old.

Stand in the bathroom with the door locked.

One leg up on the stool in front of me.

Razor opened and ready.

Press the cool blade against my mouth, enjoying the cold.

Press the sharp edge of the blade nonchalantly against my thigh.

Sometimes i tilt my head to the side.

But today i just gaze emotionlessly at the blade.

Thinking about what i read once about "the understated glow of the knife"

A sharp, quick motion

But today it's different.

So wide, so deep, i wouldn't be surprised if it needs stitches.

I wait for the fear, the screaming, maybe.

Nothing, except my heart beats a little faster than before.

I question myself.

Is it fear?

I expected it to be.

But no, i think it was the feeling of unexplainable control

The one i get when i spit out a mouthful of food.

I don't know how it got there.

I really don't.

I squeeze the gash- this time gash, not cut.

Too big, you see.

A blood clot oozes out,

Rolls down my thigh.

Red beads follow.

The story continues in the same fashion

Soon my fingers are a bloody mess.

I've even managed to coax out more clots,

Now there's more than one red streak on my thigh.

All the while i'm waiting for the freak-out moment,

The physical pain that i should definitely be feeling.

Still nothing.

So i pick the blade up.

Look at it.

Wait for the moment of

"Fuck,

Why am i doing this to myself?

I need to stop

To tell someone so they'll stop me

To do something about this shit"

But nothing.

I even say aloud

"come on now. Feel it. Say it."

Nada.

I look at the big, deep gash on my thigh in the mirror.

Why won't the moment of realization come?

No tears even.

The gash is so big,

At least it should be throbbing.

Right?

I can't remember the last time i've felt so numb.

So numb i left the razor on the sink top.

Well, shit.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

10 years of friendship being thrown away for a bout of lesbianism. I thought this kinda shit only happened with guys?! Come on now.

Ehmagawd. the girl who i used to talk about, S, is getting really skinny again. NONONONONO. Please. Not a relapse. She doesn't need round 2, when round one nearly finished her off..

Spanish. I'm not learning enough. Once a week is not enough. Gonna buy a dictionary on Tuesday.

I don't wanna be normal and fat no more.

Puh-lease. What happened to the cheesy cliche "Friends are forever, boys are whatever" that i used to hear about when i was little? Doesn't that apply anymore? Or is it a whole different story when a lesbian is involved?

Are you a diaper?

No, why?

Then why are you so pissed?

P.I.S.S.E.D.O.F.F

Español!!

Hey guys! long time no post:( Really sorry.. I haven't even lost much weight. Kinda lost motivation for everything after my favorite dog died:( I threw away the T-shirt i wore to the vet to get her euthanasia.. sigh.

Gonna go for my first spanish lesson tonight. Been waiting for this day my whole life. Learning spanish has always been one of my dreams. Kinda had to beg for it and rechecking for new learning centres in Classified Ads cos it was too expensive. Anyways.

New plan. Exercising for at least 1/2 hour at least 4 times a week. My friend ran 4km everyday and ate normally and lost 3kg WOW

Going to China and Hong Kong soon.. Tell you all about how the spanish went yeah?:)

Writer's Block.

Yup. That's why i haven't been writing.

Anyway. My CW is 44KG. SIgh. Too fat. At least i can still fit into the jeans my sis can't. I was parading around in her 4 inch stilettos lol. I felt so Massie Block-ish. :)

I REALLY hope i get to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows AT LEAST once more. seriously.

Replies:

anna~: :) No offense taken... I watched the last 2 only once each.. I liked it, how could i not, as it's HP? But i felt like the movie director changed it too much, like seriously! He freaking changed everything. Made it his own movie when it's suh-pposed to be like, the BOOK'S movie>( But. Yeah. At least for the 7th book he didn't change it THAT much.

I learnt a very important lesson today. If someone is playing around with your heart, your emotions-don't let them. In fact, turn it around till you have the upper hand. At least that's what i'm doing.

Do I dare?

Do i dare? To take my weight?

Hm... well, no, although the mirror says i've lost. But, yeah, anyways. :/

I thought i was going to watch HP for the third time, but it turned out that my dad didn't buy a ticket for me because he thought i wouldn't wanna see it again>(

SO. I was left all alone at home. But. Obviously. NO ONE'S STOPPING ME FROM WATCHING HP. so, i turned off all the lights and watched the chamber of secrets. Much better, honestly, without my stupid family members there to comment and criticize. AWESOME:)

HP!HP!HP!

I've watched The Deathly Hallows twice so far, and i'll probably watch it again tomorrow.

I love Severus Snape!

I love Nagini!

I love Remus Lupin!

I love George Weasley!

I love Dobby!

I love The Deathly Hallows!

anyway. So far i've lost about 1.5pounds since starting my diet.

Dude. This is TOO SLOW!

Sigh.

Confused.

We spend half our life sleeping, but we spend our whole life waiting.

Waiting in lines, waiting for times, waiting to be old enough, waiting for a call.

We're always waiting. We just don't always realize it. Waiting for someone to say something, waiting for them to notice you. Constantly waiting for that one person, and they have no idea you're waiting for them.

Try sleeping with a broken heart

We were awesome but we lost it, it's not possible for me not to care.

Accidentally saw a close friend's wrist. Saw the cuts.

Really hope that people who know about ME doing it don't feel the way i do, don't cry the way i did when they see MY cuts, or know about it.

Time to lose weight.

It's over. The O levels are over

Suddenly, i'm so free i have no idea what to do.

One of my friend's being really difficult. She distances herself from the class on purpose, for attention, and basically does the reverse psychology thing. It's so annoying and i think she's under the impression i'm in the same boat as her. And i just can't leave her... don't know what to do and she expects me to bitch about the people she bitches about. SHEESH. So i sit there, telling her i am NOT going to bitch about them!!

I plan to shrink my arms first. My abs are doing quite good. The plan now is to eat SLOWLY. And as little as possible. Need to do more cardio. And CRUNCHES. Especially those.

IT'S OVER!!!!

Nightly nightmares. Self induced insomnia so i don't have to enter dreamland and meet the monsters in my unconscious mind. Sighhhh

Graduation tonight and Harry Potter tomorrow.

I'm sorry, you don't have to read this

I'm really sorry. But this is the one and only place in the world i'm ever allowed to say this.

I HATE BEING POOR. Stupid irresponsible IDIOTS i have to call my parents. What the fuck is wrong with them??? What was the point of having so much FUCKIN SEX??? Just so to produce 4 fuckin kids to sap out all your fucking money, reducing you to a poor wreck who can barely afford anything? OH NO it doesn't stop there. no, of course not, whaddya expect?? They take the pains to SHOW OFF. Every year, they bring they're kids on holiday, obviously so they would not lose out to their rich cousins, so they have something to boast about. But where do they bring us? ASIA. Fuck Asia. BORING. The cheapest tickets-Bangkok, China, Malaysia. And OH NO it doesn't stop THERE EITHER. They buy a condo, 2 macbooks, 1 ipad and 1 i touch. And ipods for everyone in the family, and a DSLR. What are they left with, you might ask. 2 idiots constantly yelling at each other over money, turning me into the bitter, unpredictably temperamental, untrusting thing i am. And i'm living on eggshells. Anyone can blow up anytime. And i can't even trust my closest friends. And everything so called expensive, that i want either has to be bought by ME or become a birthday present, if it is STILL TOO EXPENSIVE, (ie; 80bucks and above) it will still be a present, but i have to pay for half of it. WTF.

Mind you, every article of clothing i wore as a baby was branded, and nothing else, but my parents weren't happy. They went on to have 2 more kids, the forth during bankruptcy, for gods sake. The only article of clothing i have which by my parent's standard is EXPENSIVE is $150 (sing dollars) and it's my football jersey and i bought it for myself. The rest are at most $10 and 90% bought from Bangkok. All because they INSISTED on having sex without a condom so much fucking times.

Fuckin irresponsible IDIOTSSSSSSS i'll never forgive them for ruinin my life like that. Seriously. I don't get it. Slip on a fuckin condom and i don't have to be poor.

I HATE BEING POORRRRRRRR

DISASTER

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

Hello everyone:)

Today's intake: 2pcs of bread: 250

one small muffin: 150

rice(a bit): 300?

local food: 290

total:990:/

ok. anyway.

All i have to say is:

CHEM

WAS

A

COMPLETE

DISASTER.

The MOST i got was 95%

This is one of the worst days of the year. DEFINITELY.

Ramblings

Terrible day.

Freaked out this morning when i looked at my arms in the mirror, then cried in chem class when i got a mere 30/40. RIDIKULUS. I ALWAYS get 35 and above. Ok, i admit i was half asleep when i was doing the paper, but stillllllll.

And I was made to eat popeyes :S. SHIT.

Currently pissed off.

VERY PISSED OFF.

Just thinking about a few things.

Is it a sin to retaliate when someone you love has hurt you?

What is worse? NOt finding out about something important and remaining blissfully ignorant, although knowing about it would be a real treat,

OR Being allowed to know about that something for a SHORT WHILE (very very short), then having it snatched out form under your nose.

LIFE SUCKS.

We were awesome but we lost it, it's impossible for me not to care.

Bout of depression

Feeling slightly depressed...

I am OBVIOUSLY reading TOO MUCH Harry Potter. I've only got 2 papers left (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) And both are bio and chem, both mcps, so.

I'm reading Harry Potter everyday, not in order, y'know, like book 2, book 1 book 5 etcetc, and bits of Harry Potter keep randomly appearing in my dreams like last night i dreamt of a dementor and that i had a trunk. Oh well, not like i mind, and in fact, i like it, only that it can get kinda scary..

Just had a macs chicken burger meal for lunch, fries, burger and diet coke. Barely 5 minutes later, i'm seated on the toilet having explosive diarrhea:) My body obviously agrees that oily food should not stay in it. This time i didn't even need vinegar.

I forgot i was going out this morning- i had a terrible stomachache the whole morning from breakfast-you see my body usually gets rid of the food asap, so without a toilet...

I'm not going for prom cause i'm WAAYYY too self conscious, and i can't live with all those disgusting pictures of me on facebook, ewww. I won't be able to live with myself. For the friends who found out i'm not going, they were actually rather disappointed.. I was seriously surprised, i honestly thought they wouldn't care if they found out, and it's not like they'll notice my presence anyway.

So... to all my friends who care... this is for them:

(i know they won't see this, but still..)

Whoaaaaa

Whoaaa...

Chanced across this pic in my friend's Facebook.. I didn't know Singapore looked like that from this angle.

Anyways. Today was a BAD DAY. Must'ave eaten more than 1900 calories, by the look of it.

But on the brighter side. In 9 days time at this time of the day, everything is OVER.

Near death experiences

@DolceCaramel: HIiii:) thanks for following me, Of course i don't mind:)

Have i mentioned? Firstly, i have to admit i cut myself again, three semi deep ones on the top of my right thigh.. sigh, i try to keep it from the friends who know now, cos it hurts them, and they really don't understand why i do it. ( and one shallow one in the space between my fat-swamped ribcages)

Secondly, for 2 nights in a row, Thursday and Friday, i've had near death experiences in my dreams. The dream i had on Thursday night was REALLY weird...

In the first part of it, it was nothing short of brilliant.. I had a fuckin WAND.. You can totally imagine me in that dream- doing spells all over the place..(Lol.. even remembered Ferula[book 3]) Then the scene changed, i was suddenly swimming in this lake/ sea of some sort cos a mad man pushed me in off the edge of this sharp edged rock and there was an octopus-monster in it attacking everyone in the water, and i was SO SCARED and swimming for my life and swimming in SO MUCH BLOOD... ( i woke up SUPER SUPER pissed with myself, cos i forgot to do my favorite spell- Expelliarmus.. haha:D)

And the second dream was how my sis and i dropped a bag of giant China pears onto some railway tracks somewhere, and while i was helping to pick them up (my sis didn't actually go on the tracks), a train came SO CLOSE to hitting me.... freak, i actually woke up cos of that( i woke up with my social studies- stuff i have to remember for monday's exam- running through my head at top speed... whut?!!!)

And last night's was really weird, like throughout the whole dream i was dreading having to scuba dive at night under some submarine...but it didn't actually happen.

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!!! Usually i don't really remember my dreams, and they're so boring that even if i do, I forget them after awhile..

Maybe it means i'm gonna die soon, but like i give a shit, i MAJORLY screwed up English and LIT...

But as usual, it usually means i'm just going mad, and i had bouts of really bad sweating on thursday, the beads of saltwater badly stinging my fresh cuts... YES. Definitely going mad, as it was a COOL day..

My bones are all resurfacing:) Fastest to do so are the ribs and shoulder bones.. however, i will not weigh till i FEEL like i've lost weight

Just when i thought i would be alone.

Deepavali today, meaning it's a public holiday, meaning my family is at home. EWWWW. I wanted to be alone and study reaaal hard today cuz i didn't study at all yesterday... it's SO hard to study when they're all at home. It's like the fuckin weekend. I HATE WEEKENDS. It's when all of them are around and i hate them.. have i ever mentioned i love mondays?:) Weird? yeah, maybe, but it means that dreaded weekend is over.

Something's up with my colon. The thing is that if i eat a little (this usually applies to mornings.. and sometimes in the afternoons), i will be hungry, BUT, if i eat enough to be sure i won't be hungry, i get diarrhea.. so i eat more:)

Yesterday, i knew my dad would make me eat some fattening carbs filled lunch.. so before and after i ate, ate a couple of prunes, and afterwards a cup of diluted apple cider vinegar and a couple cups more plain water.. and i got myself a recipe for lovely diarrhea to flush all that disgusting lunch out..

I really need to perfect my method of getting self-induced diarrhea...

Gonna try and finish my social studies by dinner then spend tonight reading The Prisoner Of Azkaban:)

Ps.. when i know i am causing people hurt, i would really love to stop it, but the thing is they don't know i know, and i don't want to embarrass them by going up to them and talking about it.. so i don't know what to do..

Really nice quotes:)

You get hurt the moment you start to care.

Sometimes we build up walls - not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Because people are so fickle. They fall in love at different angles. So really I could lose you just as quickly as I've gotten you. And that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous, and worried if you'll really think I'm worth it. When the rush wears off, and you're left with this busted person.

Don't waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away.

No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it. No one's afraid to say "I love you", they're just afraid of the response.

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

I really don't understand this world... could someone please explain it to me?

An empty whiteness

So........

lonely..........

Screwed up? Yes, definitely.

Somehow, i managed to simultaneously trample on the feelings of two of my reaal good friends. The two people in particular who know about the cutting, restricting and wackiness. And of course, 16 is DEFiNiTELY old enough to be mature about these thing, so i went to talk to them, for one hour, each. I totally resolved it with the BOTH of them, but now they're really distant. Hurts like shit. 

And the thing that hurts the most is that they still care.

How the damn H does that even happen? One of them even made me promise i wouldn't cut myself over this. The one whose feelings i might as well have slashed with a knife, and she wouldn't even let me cut myself over this, cuz she doesn't want me hurt. 

Anybody care enough to kill me?  

Bad??

I can't study anymore. And the exams aren't over.

But i REALLY CAN'T.

I've reached saturation point.

And i miss starvation,

Especially the emptiness,

And running my forefinger down the back of my upper arm, measuring its concavity, and finally ending up at the elbow, where the bone juts out like nobody's business.

Enjoying the feel of my hipbones beneath my blanket every night before i go to sleep

Please, exams, just end..

I'm so tired....

Thank god i studied like FUCK before the O levels started, so my head is stuffed with all i need, but isn't it better if i continued studying?

(Sorry for the multiple posts... i just miss this blog SO much)

RANDOM...

You know... since you guys have never like, seen me before, if you'd like to know, my hair's this curly, naturally, even if i don't do anything to it...

Just in case anyone's curious...

(it looks like that when it's tied, but when i don't it's curly ALL OVER)

Yeah.. i's kinda cool cuz i'm like the ONLY one in my family both on my mom and dad's side who has naturally curly hair)

I used to hate it but now i love it.. i don't want to be like my sisters anyway.. ew!

Haha.. hope that was interesting..:)

GEOGGGGG:)

Elective Geography today!!! 13days to freedom!

RESPONSES@:

Spacecadet18: Thank you:) Yeah I'm REALLY worried about her too:( Why did this have to happen.. she was one of the happiest people i know, and now... yeah, you know..

Lilah Lee:Thank you:) means loads:)

Well... Geog was.. hm. Ok i guess. We had 5 themes to study. It's really scary how most of the people in my geog class spotted! I studied everything. Geog is really horrible...

Gonna start- from today- cutting back on carbs. DISGUSTING CARBS. I reaally HATE carbs, you know. The root of all fat. But i'm not gonna count my calories yet though, cos once i start on that i'll be really preoccupied with it and worry a lot and everything, and i obviously can't be thinking about that when i'm in the exam hall!

4 more papers to go:)

Bio paper 2, Social studies, Chem paper 1 and Bio paper 1..

BTW, not saying you MUST, but check this chick out, SHE IS AMAZING:)

(btw, i got it from Perfection In The Making's fb, if you know her-she deleted her blog cuz everyone found out)

FAIL

HEYYY GUYS!(or girls..)

Sooo.. i haven't posted in ages! It's right smack in the middle of my O levels right now:) I completely screwed up my lit paper today. Yes. COMPLETELY. Have i mentioned i hate lit? I'm taking full literature and my 2 texts are To Kill A Mockingbird and A Midsummers Night's Dream. Eugh at the second one. Anyway.. ALOT of people kinda know about my eating thing now but only 1 of my REALLY close friend and of course, my ana buddy knows i'm gonna hop right back onto the pro ana wagon after the 15th of November (LAST PAPER!!! BIO MULTIPLE CHOICE:)) Well. Obviously. My ana buddy's gonna do the same. And my friend's like i know i can't stop you but she obviously doesn't want me to do it -.- like i wont! It's REALLY nice to have someone on the outside who i trust so much and i can tell so much. And most importantly, won't stop me. I've kinda started dieting already, by the way.. i'm too fat! But i'm not gonna starve..yet. (YET!)

I'm gonna watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows about 4-5 times!!! WHOOOO! I love HP to the total MAX.

Another good friend who i seriously care about and love has gone to ana:( I was trying to explain to my "outsider" friend how i really DON'T care about how i have to suffer but i feel a sharp pang of pain whenever i see others going through the same thing... she didn't get how i could not feel for myself..

Oh well:) gotta go study geog:)

2days

My family suddenly "decided" i wasn't eating and all of them are ganging up against me. WTF?!! i'm eating perfectly normally and i'm obese. great timing guys, like seriously, what's up with that?

9DAYSTOOLEVELS!!

AND I'VE JUST LOST 2POUNDS!

BRING IT ON.

(this exam will affect my WHOLE life path)

Stay strong:)

Which is worse?

1: Writing on your disgusting fat abs "You are nothing. You do not deserve anything or anyone. You do not deserve to waste anyone's time thinking they are obliged to help you with something, or waiting for you or explaining to you something or even think that ANYONE is interested in what you have to say. You are nothing to a burden to everyone and everything. The world would be a better place without you. Do the world a favor and kill yourself. Then maybe God, and yourself, might be able to forgive you for what you are". 

Then slashing at the words madly with a penknife, then later thanking the gods of low self esteem or penknives or whatever the fuck you are for always remembering to bring you back down to earth, for always remembering to remind you that you aren't worth anything, every time you even consider liking yourself one bit. And then after that thanking the real God for penknives and fingerprints.

OR

2: Meaning everything from the bottom of your heart?

I need help i don't want. 

FTW (Fuck the world)

29days to thin

SHIIITTT.

Seriously CANNAWT wait. I'm currently a fat WHALE.

Do not worry, i SWEAR i WILL BE BACK. Trust me. I WILL:)

Broken in a good way

Today was the official last day as a class having normal lessons. It was so painful. This is the one and only class i never had to conform, to pretend, where i've met the best people i've ever met in my life, the most caring, supportive, encouraging awesome teachers.Where EVERYONE accepted everyone just the way they were, no acting involved. And now i'm gonna have to say goodbye to all of that and next year will be another normal year of conforming, peer pressure and pretending to be someone i'm not. Today was the day i realized these friends are the only people in the world i am not scared to let them see me cry.

At the end of the day, one of the people i've recently become really really close to told me "Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being so fun to hang out with and giving me and teaching me so much, I love you, Sarah" (that's my name)

It made me realize how i've never told anyone i love them. How many people i've let walk in and out of my life without ever letting them know how much i love them, how much they mean to me, how i'd give anything to be able to hold on to them when i had to let go. I haven't cried so much in so long. Well if anything, I've made up my mind i'm gonna stop being so afraid to tell someone i love them and thank them for everything they've done to me.

Earlier in the morning, one of my BEST friends told me to write in her autograph book. I had SO much to say to her, and only paper to say them on.. i tried to put most of it in the book, but it'll never be enough. I ended of the "message" with "Thanks for being in my life". But i still feel it's not enough.

How i wish i could find everyone whose ever been close to me, tell them i love them, tell them i really appreciate everything they've done for me, how they've all changed me for the better in their own way and thank them for the role they've played in my life and how i'm a better person because of that.

Ok, i know there's absolutely no thinspo here, what you guys follow me for, but i really hope this post will touch you and hopefully open your eyes to stuff and change your perspective on some things:)

Ps: Thanks for following me and supporting me:)

You have no idea how much i hate the number 98:(

Replies:

@ anna~ and MissChanandlerBong:

Aww thanks, the both of you, but i would REALLY REALLY love a hundred percent.. 

Ps: @MissChanandlerBong: Your name always makes me laugh everytime i see it:D

Can't wait for my results! I'm sure my efforts will pay off!

CW: still 98 stupid pounds:((((((

AHHHHHH

Is Tom Felton the HOTTEST guy on earth or not?

And you can so totally hear his hot british accent...

*DROOL*

:0-

I

This is a bad time to be depressed

Feeling extremely depressed.

Like i could kill myself in the bat of an eye right now and nobody would notice. To make it worse, i'd just gotten a 92.5% for a chemistry test. Bloody hell. I NEED to get a 100 percent for god's sake. I completely screw up my practical.

Anyways. Today can be classified as a complete failure. Binged the whole day. NOT GOOD. Plus i've had diarrhea at least 4 times today.

TOO MUCh CALORIES.

I don't want to disappoint N now that i know i seem to her.

I FEEL SO OBESE!!!!

Personally, i've always felt that my creation was mistake, and like how some people ignore their mistakes when they're embarrassed, God's ignoring me. He should not have spared my life last time. I was on life support at three days old. He should 'ave killed me, don't you think?

After all, i'm nothing but a useless piece of filth that's a burden to the world. It would be a better place without me. I hate it when people expect me to tell them all these feelings, to "let it out". And then when i do, they react in a way that makes it SO obvious they think i say these things for the "reverse psychology effect" and for attention.

Guess what? That was never my intention. I say these things because i REALLY feel this way.

Exams= FAT

can you believe it??? I'm sooo soooo FAT ..

I constantly feel so bloody obese

98pounds.98 freaking pounds. At least i didn't go over 100! GOSH! Can you imagine that??.. You know a few months ago, i mentioned this girl, N, who kinda kept staring at my "skinny' arms and yeah, basically kept staring.. and i kept saying was my you know.."competitor" and all... Lately, i've realized that that might NOT be the case. In fact, i seriously think that she sees me kinda the same way i used to see S. Kinda like a role model and all. Firstly, it's because i noticed that she started becoming skinny only after I did, and i because i've started mugging in the morning, before morning assembly, she's started too.(And seriously, like i sat alone studying, she stopped sitting with her friends too and started studying alone) And a few other things too. But that's Ok i guess.. i've never hated her. And i have to admit i kinda did the same thing with S.

I've decided i don't feel sad at all that S is cured. I've decided i'm gonna be FULLY happy for her:)

Major progress (S)

1: Mathematics-Failed it really badly for 3 and3/4 years, I've gotten around 80% for the last 5 or more mock tests and exams, ( id do at least 2 or 3 a week)

2: Geog- Failed it 1 and 1/2 years -yes every single test. I got 60% for the last test.

3: Biology- Been getting a low A grade or a high B for the last 2 years- i got a high A grade- 78% today:) (and a 95% for the last multiple choice test)

4: chemistry: Doing increasingly better, for the last multiple choice, i managed to get 95%

I love progress! But when i told my dad the results he got kinda scared i was pushing myself way too hard- but I DON'T CARE. Guess i just have to work twice as hard to get EVEN BETTER grades these last 3 weeks:)

Restricted!!!!

Feel so proud of myself for once!

Finally managed to restrict a bit! Resisted my nightly cup of granola..

Anyways...

My teachers, especially the math and chem teachers, are putting in a HELL lot of effort, i'm so touched.. i agree with the principal, that Bitch for once, that our school has the best group of teachers in Singapore.. i mean seriously, the teachers in the other schools don't care so much.

Can you imagine if i got a DAMN GOOD o level score??!!! It would be the best present i've given to myself so far, plus i would be really skinny by the time i get it so it would definitely be one of the best days of my miserable existence.

I'M SO GONNA DO THIS FOR ME.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Definitely one of the best quotes i have EVER come across.

edit: looking at S's photos, the first severe anorexic of my school... she is REALLY cured now. Don't know why i'm crying though. Must be a mix of extreme happiness for her and also great disappointment

FORMULA ONE!!!

AWESOME!! i love love love the F1 Singapore night race. watching it on tv's like watching an xbox game, only it's really happening, and the skyline's freaking awesome too:) Love my country:)

Gonna study like one chapter of bio, one chapter of social studies, two chem papers and if possible, some math tonight. I know it sounds kinda daunting but i'm so used to it it's like whatever.. same ol' same ol'...

I hate it when people refer to my cutting myself

in such a casual manner.

Like it's nothing.

Those unfeeling, nonchalant remarks,

"The knife's so sharp, doesn't it hurt?"

Can't they tell what hurts are those remarks?

That's the real knife,

makes me cry every fuckin time they do that,

and i don't even know why,

can't help it either.

Shut up if you don't understand!

I hate it when people tell me not to starve myself,

as if i have a damn choice.

The way they tell me i'm already beautiful, no need for this.

That they love me the way i am,

that i'm skinny already

not at all fat.

Telling me these things as if i'll EVER believe them

as if they expect me to love myself,

to stop hating that freak in the mirror

like the way they don't.

Why can't they just understand?

Or shut up if they don't?

Thinking skinny.

My sis keeps scolding me for thinking skinny, critisising fatsos, thinking that being fat is wrong etc. Well fuck her, i'm not gonna follow her fat ass mindset.

Have you seen the latest deathly hallows trailer? I cried the first time, and so many subsequent times i watched it:D

SELF PROCLAIMED MANIAC HARRY POTTER FAN!!!:D

Kinda slowed down studies a bit, trying to force myself to speed up a bit more..

TORTURE ENDS NOVEMBER 15

THIN AGAIN ON NOVEMBER 15

Please come quick!!

LATEST HP TRAILER HERE

SUCCESS PLEASE?

Oh My goodness. Dying.

But i am going to make it.

I miss my life so much.

Especially the feeling of thin and football.

I just pray for success and for God to reward me. I don't care about survival.

I just want this so bad.

YOU BITCH. I WILL SHOW YOU.

I told my dear older sister, the only one in my entire family who i can still stick, that i'm gonna try for high distinctions for all my subjects.

Basically, her response was that i'll never do it because even though she was in a better class than mine- i'm in the last class- no one in her class got that grade.

For the longest time in my life, her word was the only one that mattered so naturally i sat there for a while feeling demoralized.

But then i decided- I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS.

HER WORD OFFICIALLY DON'T MATTER NO MORE.

I WILL SHOW HER. AND EVERYONE WHO UNDERESTIMATES ME.

I WILL DO MY BEST.

even if i don't get that grade, it was with a clear conscience.

Fuck the world. In your face.

Fast didn't go well... ate about 800 in total. Thanks to family and friends>(

Gonna try even harder tomorrow.

And now i officially hate my WHOLE family. Fuck the whole lot of them. I mean seriously. Is the whole meaning of their existence to demoralize me? they've been doing that ever since forever! GOd, i HATE this.

WHATEVER. I'M GONNA SHOW THEM ANYWAY.

SO INSTEAD OF DEMORALIZING ME THIS TIME, THEY GAVE ME EVEN MORE MOTIVATION. HA! IN YOUR FACE. sooner or later they gotta realize their constant attempts to bring me down are gonna stop working. Im my own person now:)

Fuck. this o levels better be worth it. It better give me a bloody good grade. I'm giving EVERYthing up for it. And so much of myself too.

THAT'S IT. NO MORE FOOD.

I'M TOO FAT.

NOT GONNA EAT A SINGLE POSITIVE CALORIE THING UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT.

PERIOD.

Why did they have to do that?

Look so sad when i didn't wanna got to macs?

Although i've been forcin myself to eat for the sake of the exams, the habits are getting worse..

Well, i can't let them see me shredding my chicken burger with my fingers right??

And i just walked off ANYWAY.

Anyway, this crossed my mind the other day: When you don't want to eat to be in control, are you really in control, or is it the ED in control of you?

NO MORE food.

eat less, weigh less.

Bloody simple, just get it in your head.

Freedom is tangible

In 5 weeks time that is.

My ana buddy gave up on her diet to devote herself to studying... she ain't forcin me to do the same, but it's a good idea.

I don't know.

Anyways, we agreed on absolute liberty to starve ourselves to the brink of death the moment the last paper is over.

Can't wait.

CAN'T FUCKIN WAITTTT!!!

Gonna go jump around to lose some calories:)

I DEMAND a REFUND!

For now, at least. I just scored a 73% on a math test:D

I broke my fast on Friday at 10pm with 2 small cups of granola. Really pissed off. I was SO low on glucose that when i was studying chem, it went like "electrolyte... concentrated" i seriously could not concentrate on a single sentence... so.. really pissed off

Plus i kinda binged a little just now... :"( sigghhhh.

CW:43.2, but it's gonna go up.

I'm so glad i'm kinda improving on my work. BUT i hope it's fast enough for 5 weeks. After which, i am FREE TO STARVE MYSELF. CAnnawt wait.

I plan to see how long i can go without food, then see how much weight i can lose.

Wait. no.

First... i have to find some way to deal with all the  "going out after the exams to stuff your face and watch every single movie fever". ARHHHH...

HOW HOW HOW!!!!????

CRAPPPP.

Really frustrated and confused. I want to pack everything i have to spotless perfection. I wanna starve till my knees are literally shaking. But how? I need to study study study.. 

OMG! EXAMS, PLEASE BE OVER QUICKLY!!!! CAN BARELY TAKE IT ANYMORE!

My favorite model:D

Absolute Perfection. 

I love you Miranda Kerr!!!

That's just a load of bullshit.

I broke my 12hr fast in the middle of the day with a fortune cookie that told me "Your family's encouragement will boost your confidence". That's bullshit. For god's sake, when the hell has that ever happened??

Anyway, a group of my friends made me go to the canteen with them. I know it's risky, but i absolutely refused to eat anything at all. Anyway, i'm sure they all know anyway. I just did not want to break my fast again. But oh gosh... i haven't experienced anything like that in suuuuch a looong time. My mouth goes dry with fear.. dread makes my heart race, couldn't respond when people ask if i'm ok... all the way to the canteen and throughout the whole time i was in that disgusting place. I mean seriously! I can't eat all that stuff!! you've gotta be kidding me. 

Ok, the thing is that i could have told them i didn't wanna go but at that moment i just did not feel like having people discuss my eating habits when i'm not there. They didn't bother asking me out later on, when they went to the macs opposite my school, but they never do anyway, so..

Anyhoo.. I know i don't really do this, like tell you guys my calorie intake but today's was about 200, more or less, so i'm really happy. Only i almost froze to death in air conditioned rooms.. But it's ok... 

My weight is 44 but, that's definitely cos of edema. 

I met a teacher that taught me at the start of last year, on eof my very very favorite teachers. When she gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze, she told me i became skinnier.. had to quickly duck outta sight 'fore the humongous smile across my face gave me away..:DDD

I think that's where most of the strength for the fast came from.

Ps: Amongst all that heart thumping and not being able to answer anybody and all, on the way to the canteen, a forbidden thing happened. Like the way a shadow of a fog steals across a field, almost invisible, barely tangible, a quiet whisper stole quickly into my head and left just as stealthily.. "I wish i wasn't so scared of food."

i chose to ignore it. 

Normal day??

I kinda ate normally today... and it's made me have monster diarrhea.. So now my body is helping me to reject food? :D I'm not complaining. 

I decided not to watch the football... im watching the rerun now.. sigh. 

Seriously, back on that topic, i did not binge, and i'm sure i ate less than a normal person?? So why did i have so freaking much diarrhea? It just doesn't make sense. 

Anyways.. I'm doing WAAYYY too much math and science. So annoying. It's not like i can help it, right?But it's killed my right brain, and it's SO difficult to write creative essays.. I'm practically forced to do the exposition, which i admit i'm pretty good at and i'm the only one in my class who can do it, but i hate it:S

CW:43.5kg

status: fat.

2 BINGES IN 2 DAYS???

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I JUST BINGED ON SSOOOOOOO MANY STUPID CALORIES! MY TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE FOR TODAY TO 442!!!!!

and my limit was freaking 300!!! ahhhhhhh.

EPIC FAIL..... and i'm probably gonna eat dinner.. :(

Oh my god, thanks you guys SO MUCH. you have no idea just how much your comments mean to me:D Made me feel soooo much better, considering i spent most of the day wallowing in suicidal thoughts..

Replies:

anna~: Yeah..when people tell you you're skinny, dosen't it seem as if they're just trying to tell you you're skinny, just so that whatever your reaction is, it gives them that golden opportunity to go "you're too skinny, you should eat more"

Mich: I hate it when they keep asking questions about you. Or when they keep trying to hang around you or keep giving you hugs.. they're just begging to be ignored. ( or for us to be bitchy to them) The WHOLE POINT is if you wanna try and get to know me, DONT TRY. Only then will you be successful.

Haha:) About the hair thing.. i'm kinda ok with mine, just that sometimes i see smooth hair and i wish for it.. but only sometimes. I don't know about your country, but down here, my hair is actually becoming the fashion and more and more people and perming their hair... making it look just like mine.. LOL:D

AfricAnaMia : I used to categorize people. The ones who encourage you and even compete with you are the good ones. The annoying and bad ones are the ones who discourage you, tell on you or keep commenting/ questioning.

Anyway.. i seriously need more self control..

Really happy there's a football match for Arsenal tomorrow.. morning... at 2.45, Singapore time. Ok. I know. Don't nag!!

i don't like the way they do that

My friends listen when i speak, they seem so happy to see me even if i don't smile back. They are so willing to accept me temporarily into their circle even though i haven't spoken to them in a week. And the worst is when they compliment me.

Can't anyone tell that all that makes me immensely uncomfortable? I feel so small when a whole group of them actually listen up AND look interested when i speak.. i always wanna just drift off into silence, but out of obligation i finish my sentence. And those fucking compliments.. i hate hate them. I wanna believe them so badly, but there's this HUGE voice in my head yelling "fuckin bitch, you don't deserve it, they obviously don't mean it. Look at that face in the mirror. You call that pretty? YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. remember that. " 

Fuck it. Stop complimenting me. 

And another issue's when people try to get to know me. 90% of the time, i want to know them too. But there's this defense mechanism i have, once i sense anybody trying to get in, or if they already know me, trying to get too close, All the walls go right up. just like that. The worst people keep trying. I end up hating them. Yep. That's a bit of me for you to know.. 

I feel like cutting. And i almost binged just now. I had 1/4 cup of granola and i took 2 bites of something else when i Knew i was gonna hate myself for it to the max later. So i threw it away.. 

To hell with me. NO WAIT! What the hell am i talking about it? Aren't i already in it.

Life now seems like an endless race, where i have to keep running and running, faster and faster, no resting, no comfort. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm just tired of living. 

IM paranoid?? Right. Knew it.

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Water retention. It has to be water retention. I barely ate today, so why am i 98 lbs? 

So.. I've decided that if i'm gonna give my all to studying, i'm NOT gonna give up on thin:)

Failure number??

Takin a break from fuckin math. Why the hell can't i freakin do proportion questions?? I've asked i don't know how many teachers i don't know how many questions on that topic and i STILL CAN'T GET IT. Retarded much?

check.

So instead of kickin down everything in my house and have my sis call me a crazy bitch, i cut. HELL.....

ED keeps rearing her skinny lil' head. I don't mind. honestly. I love her. :)

Eye contact has been bothering me a lot lately. Including the one with the mirror. :S.... I feel so lost without my hipbones.. but they're showing up more and more when i'm lying down. And the same goes for my ribs:) Come on, the both of you!!!! Show up! i ain't me without you!!!:(

I watched a vid yesterday about .. well let's say it was super anti ED. Fuck them, ED is not a food disease, it's a freaking PSYCHOLOGICAL thing, which, puts it in the same category as bipolar and schizophrenia and all.. so why don't they discriminate against ALL types of psychological stuff? Just cos we're thinner than them?? So it's a jealousy thing? BASTARDS!!

You gotta hide your kids, hide your wives and hide your husbands.

LOL!:D

We gon' find you!

LOL!

laughed my socks off!

My self esteem has taken an all time low.

Well, ok, it's ALWAYS been low. But not this low.

I had to restrain myself from cutting a few times since the last time.. yeah. self control still in check.

CANNOT wait for the stupid exams to be over. iNEED to get back to anorexia. And i think the whole don't- diet- while- you're -studying -for- a- major- exam thing is stupid. i mean, how am i supposed to sit down and focus on the books when i'm thinking "fat, need to go to the gym". But the lack of a rumbly tummy helps. I'm going back to hot drinks sometimes.

Controlling cutting myself is difficult, and so's keeping ED in check. But better all that than being a fat, procrastinating blob like so many others.

I'm freaking addicted to this song:

STUPID WEIGHT SCARE!

WHO THE FUCK SAYS I'M 103 POUNDS??? THAT'S WHAT AN ELECTRONIC SCALE FREAKIN TOLD ME!! i know i gained.. but i'm only 96.5! bloody hell.. scared the SHIT outta me! 

asshole.. I won't EVER use an electronic one again, that's for sure! 

One of my friends at school knows about my ED and everything and isn't one of those cynical idiots. But i must remember she IS normal after all:P.. kinda freaked her out a little today with my talk of concave abs :s. ....oops.

I don't think i'll promise not to cut no more. knowing me i'll probably break it again.

 That bitch that fuckin bitch. You are sooo dead. failing math. Cutting when you're not supposed to. You die, you fuckin die.

Yes. i do talk to the voices in my head. A lot

This song always makes me cry.

this song was for her friend who was a bulimic, if you didn't know..

I might as well start keeping track of how many promises i break.

I dunno why, but i'm getting more and more depressed. Keep feeling like crying.

There's a new anorexic in school- and damn she's fast! But why now??? What about the exams???:O!

Anyway.. class potluck tomorrow. EW. i'm gonna keep away from carbo again. IM FAT! OBESE! The reason i stopped staying away from carbo was because i nearly fainted a few times in one day and i got scared. but too bad. rather faint than fat.:) FAINT FTW!

I cut myself today. I feel so relieved. I know i should feel disappointed that i broke my promise... but to be honest i don't care. I've been holding in the urge for ages and it's such a goddamn relief.

Something i've always wanted to say to the "normal world":

YOU CAN MAKE AN ANOREXIC EAT, YOU CAN MAKE A BULIMIC STOP VOMITING, YOU CAN FORCE PEOPLE LIKE ME TO STOP CUTTING OR BAN US FROM THE GYM. We can do that... but what many people don't understand it's that it's not the food IT'S THE HEAD, DAMN IT. You guys go "Ew! look at that anorexic! crazy woman.. she looks disgusting". Stop doing that. Don't comment on something you don't.. or refuse, to understand. PLEASE STOP. we hate it.

6 MORE FUCKING WEEKS!!! 6MOREWEEKS!

6MORE WEEKS TO MY O LEVELS! fuck! i'm fucking dying. stressed beyond believe and looking like a zombie..

I can barely even find time to sleep!

anyway.. for my o levels.. i'm kinda sacrificing everything.. but i'm making up for it by exercising EXCESSIVELY. yup. i'll make sure that in every minute of the day, at least 2 parts of my body's aching real bad. right now it's abs, thighs and arms:)

i think i'm getting depressed? yeah.. this is what happened just now at the supermarket..

I was gonna buy yoghurt and i took a carton off the shelf and looked at it and it was like:

173, put it back

124, put it back

75, still too much

134, put it back..

.

.

.

.

again and again. i couldn't stop till i saw 53, i just wanted to cry...

i'm not gonna say "i wish i could not do that" because i'm not sure if that's what i really feel...

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

I'm gonna study real hard now.. not gonna blog for quite a while.. and hopefully when i come back i'll be thin!!!

CW: 94pounds.

ps: yep. i was 96 yesterday but i managed to starve it away today.:)

BELCH.

I AM FAT.

Honestly do not dare to take my weight now. I SWEAR it's at least 96. EW !

Know why? Yesterday, for the entire day, i felt like my brain was literally dying. like a large bacteria in my skull was chewing it up. i had two pain killers. DID NOT WORK. So i binged on carbs till i felt better. Going running later. But seriously! every bite of carbohydrates felt like a restoration to my brain!!

how weird. ever had that happen to you?? i call it the carbo headache:/

FML. just had subway.

FML!!!

I AM GOING TO BE THIN AGAIN!

I feel SO happy right now! i just ate my dinner and i finally managed to gather the courage to spit out my food again!

I AM GOING TO BE THIN AGAIN!

MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER!

COURAGE IS ALL I NEED!

140 pounds??!!

Well blogthings says i should weigh 140 pounds based on how much i eat and exercise and some other stuff. EW. 140. is. too. fucking. much. 

Well blogthings can fuck off. I will be 84, and that's miles away from 140:) 

I think my sis and my mom knows about my cutting. But the thing is, if you've ever met me in real life, and tried to talk to me about something uncomfortable, oh heck. Let's just say if you're trying to, as a stranger, approach me and make friends, you'll agree i'm EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO APPROACH. I think it's because i make people sooo uncomfortable with all my snapping back and clamping my mouth shut for a really long long long time the moment i decide to and weirdness. ( and lots of other stuff) TOO BAD. 

SHIT. the human race is fucking annoying. 

ATE TOO MUCH THIS WEEKEND! DO NOT DARE WEIGH MYSELF!ahhhh. HATE ME

At least i succeeded in SOMETHING

Uh huh. I haven't cut myself ever since thursday..

And i'm currently 93.5 pounds. Really annoyed. Why can't it just be 93?? What's the big diff anyway?? sheeeeeesh. 

By the way, the friend of mine who started her diet around the end of june and is taking meal replacements and all has lost like about 8 pounds ever since. ........ yeah. and my ana buddy challenged me to be skinny by the 10th of september. CRAP. MAJOR CRAP. To me, skinny means 40kg and below. and i'm still 42.4 stupid kgs. ewwww. 

At LAST. I've managed to sleep for more than 5 hours. I was so bloody exhausted i went to sleep at around ten last night and i woke up and 9.30. 11 1/2 hours:D 

CAN'T WAIT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT!

Dear Life,

Hurt a little less, will ya? 

 

please??