Restricted!!!!

Feel so proud of myself for once!

Finally managed to restrict a bit! Resisted my nightly cup of granola..

Anyways...

My teachers, especially the math and chem teachers, are putting in a HELL lot of effort, i'm so touched.. i agree with the principal, that Bitch for once, that our school has the best group of teachers in Singapore.. i mean seriously, the teachers in the other schools don't care so much.

Can you imagine if i got a DAMN GOOD o level score??!!! It would be the best present i've given to myself so far, plus i would be really skinny by the time i get it so it would definitely be one of the best days of my miserable existence.

I'M SO GONNA DO THIS FOR ME.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Definitely one of the best quotes i have EVER come across.

edit: looking at S's photos, the first severe anorexic of my school... she is REALLY cured now. Don't know why i'm crying though. Must be a mix of extreme happiness for her and also great disappointment

FORMULA ONE!!!

AWESOME!! i love love love the F1 Singapore night race. watching it on tv's like watching an xbox game, only it's really happening, and the skyline's freaking awesome too:) Love my country:)

Gonna study like one chapter of bio, one chapter of social studies, two chem papers and if possible, some math tonight. I know it sounds kinda daunting but i'm so used to it it's like whatever.. same ol' same ol'...

I hate it when people refer to my cutting myself

in such a casual manner.

Like it's nothing.

Those unfeeling, nonchalant remarks,

"The knife's so sharp, doesn't it hurt?"

Can't they tell what hurts are those remarks?

That's the real knife,

makes me cry every fuckin time they do that,

and i don't even know why,

can't help it either.

Shut up if you don't understand!

I hate it when people tell me not to starve myself,

as if i have a damn choice.

The way they tell me i'm already beautiful, no need for this.

That they love me the way i am,

that i'm skinny already

not at all fat.

Telling me these things as if i'll EVER believe them

as if they expect me to love myself,

to stop hating that freak in the mirror

like the way they don't.

Why can't they just understand?

Or shut up if they don't?

Thinking skinny.

My sis keeps scolding me for thinking skinny, critisising fatsos, thinking that being fat is wrong etc. Well fuck her, i'm not gonna follow her fat ass mindset.

Have you seen the latest deathly hallows trailer? I cried the first time, and so many subsequent times i watched it:D

SELF PROCLAIMED MANIAC HARRY POTTER FAN!!!:D

Kinda slowed down studies a bit, trying to force myself to speed up a bit more..

TORTURE ENDS NOVEMBER 15

THIN AGAIN ON NOVEMBER 15

Please come quick!!

LATEST HP TRAILER HERE

SUCCESS PLEASE?

Oh My goodness. Dying.

But i am going to make it.

I miss my life so much.

Especially the feeling of thin and football.

I just pray for success and for God to reward me. I don't care about survival.

I just want this so bad.

YOU BITCH. I WILL SHOW YOU.

I told my dear older sister, the only one in my entire family who i can still stick, that i'm gonna try for high distinctions for all my subjects.

Basically, her response was that i'll never do it because even though she was in a better class than mine- i'm in the last class- no one in her class got that grade.

For the longest time in my life, her word was the only one that mattered so naturally i sat there for a while feeling demoralized.

But then i decided- I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS.

HER WORD OFFICIALLY DON'T MATTER NO MORE.

I WILL SHOW HER. AND EVERYONE WHO UNDERESTIMATES ME.

I WILL DO MY BEST.

even if i don't get that grade, it was with a clear conscience.

Fuck the world. In your face.

Fast didn't go well... ate about 800 in total. Thanks to family and friends>(

Gonna try even harder tomorrow.

And now i officially hate my WHOLE family. Fuck the whole lot of them. I mean seriously. Is the whole meaning of their existence to demoralize me? they've been doing that ever since forever! GOd, i HATE this.

WHATEVER. I'M GONNA SHOW THEM ANYWAY.

SO INSTEAD OF DEMORALIZING ME THIS TIME, THEY GAVE ME EVEN MORE MOTIVATION. HA! IN YOUR FACE. sooner or later they gotta realize their constant attempts to bring me down are gonna stop working. Im my own person now:)

Fuck. this o levels better be worth it. It better give me a bloody good grade. I'm giving EVERYthing up for it. And so much of myself too.

THAT'S IT. NO MORE FOOD.

I'M TOO FAT.

NOT GONNA EAT A SINGLE POSITIVE CALORIE THING UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT.

PERIOD.

Why did they have to do that?

Look so sad when i didn't wanna got to macs?

Although i've been forcin myself to eat for the sake of the exams, the habits are getting worse..

Well, i can't let them see me shredding my chicken burger with my fingers right??

And i just walked off ANYWAY.

Anyway, this crossed my mind the other day: When you don't want to eat to be in control, are you really in control, or is it the ED in control of you?

NO MORE food.

eat less, weigh less.

Bloody simple, just get it in your head.

Freedom is tangible

In 5 weeks time that is.

My ana buddy gave up on her diet to devote herself to studying... she ain't forcin me to do the same, but it's a good idea.

I don't know.

Anyways, we agreed on absolute liberty to starve ourselves to the brink of death the moment the last paper is over.

Can't wait.

CAN'T FUCKIN WAITTTT!!!

Gonna go jump around to lose some calories:)

I DEMAND a REFUND!

For now, at least. I just scored a 73% on a math test:D

I broke my fast on Friday at 10pm with 2 small cups of granola. Really pissed off. I was SO low on glucose that when i was studying chem, it went like "electrolyte... concentrated" i seriously could not concentrate on a single sentence... so.. really pissed off

Plus i kinda binged a little just now... :"( sigghhhh.

CW:43.2, but it's gonna go up.

I'm so glad i'm kinda improving on my work. BUT i hope it's fast enough for 5 weeks. After which, i am FREE TO STARVE MYSELF. CAnnawt wait.

I plan to see how long i can go without food, then see how much weight i can lose.

Wait. no.

First... i have to find some way to deal with all the  "going out after the exams to stuff your face and watch every single movie fever". ARHHHH...

HOW HOW HOW!!!!????

CRAPPPP.

Really frustrated and confused. I want to pack everything i have to spotless perfection. I wanna starve till my knees are literally shaking. But how? I need to study study study.. 

OMG! EXAMS, PLEASE BE OVER QUICKLY!!!! CAN BARELY TAKE IT ANYMORE!

My favorite model:D

Absolute Perfection. 

I love you Miranda Kerr!!!

That's just a load of bullshit.

I broke my 12hr fast in the middle of the day with a fortune cookie that told me "Your family's encouragement will boost your confidence". That's bullshit. For god's sake, when the hell has that ever happened??

Anyway, a group of my friends made me go to the canteen with them. I know it's risky, but i absolutely refused to eat anything at all. Anyway, i'm sure they all know anyway. I just did not want to break my fast again. But oh gosh... i haven't experienced anything like that in suuuuch a looong time. My mouth goes dry with fear.. dread makes my heart race, couldn't respond when people ask if i'm ok... all the way to the canteen and throughout the whole time i was in that disgusting place. I mean seriously! I can't eat all that stuff!! you've gotta be kidding me. 

Ok, the thing is that i could have told them i didn't wanna go but at that moment i just did not feel like having people discuss my eating habits when i'm not there. They didn't bother asking me out later on, when they went to the macs opposite my school, but they never do anyway, so..

Anyhoo.. I know i don't really do this, like tell you guys my calorie intake but today's was about 200, more or less, so i'm really happy. Only i almost froze to death in air conditioned rooms.. But it's ok... 

My weight is 44 but, that's definitely cos of edema. 

I met a teacher that taught me at the start of last year, on eof my very very favorite teachers. When she gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze, she told me i became skinnier.. had to quickly duck outta sight 'fore the humongous smile across my face gave me away..:DDD

I think that's where most of the strength for the fast came from.

Ps: Amongst all that heart thumping and not being able to answer anybody and all, on the way to the canteen, a forbidden thing happened. Like the way a shadow of a fog steals across a field, almost invisible, barely tangible, a quiet whisper stole quickly into my head and left just as stealthily.. "I wish i wasn't so scared of food."

i chose to ignore it. 

Normal day??

I kinda ate normally today... and it's made me have monster diarrhea.. So now my body is helping me to reject food? :D I'm not complaining. 

I decided not to watch the football... im watching the rerun now.. sigh. 

Seriously, back on that topic, i did not binge, and i'm sure i ate less than a normal person?? So why did i have so freaking much diarrhea? It just doesn't make sense. 

Anyways.. I'm doing WAAYYY too much math and science. So annoying. It's not like i can help it, right?But it's killed my right brain, and it's SO difficult to write creative essays.. I'm practically forced to do the exposition, which i admit i'm pretty good at and i'm the only one in my class who can do it, but i hate it:S

CW:43.5kg

status: fat.

2 BINGES IN 2 DAYS???

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I JUST BINGED ON SSOOOOOOO MANY STUPID CALORIES! MY TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE FOR TODAY TO 442!!!!!

and my limit was freaking 300!!! ahhhhhhh.

EPIC FAIL..... and i'm probably gonna eat dinner.. :(

Oh my god, thanks you guys SO MUCH. you have no idea just how much your comments mean to me:D Made me feel soooo much better, considering i spent most of the day wallowing in suicidal thoughts..

Replies:

anna~: Yeah..when people tell you you're skinny, dosen't it seem as if they're just trying to tell you you're skinny, just so that whatever your reaction is, it gives them that golden opportunity to go "you're too skinny, you should eat more"

Mich: I hate it when they keep asking questions about you. Or when they keep trying to hang around you or keep giving you hugs.. they're just begging to be ignored. ( or for us to be bitchy to them) The WHOLE POINT is if you wanna try and get to know me, DONT TRY. Only then will you be successful.

Haha:) About the hair thing.. i'm kinda ok with mine, just that sometimes i see smooth hair and i wish for it.. but only sometimes. I don't know about your country, but down here, my hair is actually becoming the fashion and more and more people and perming their hair... making it look just like mine.. LOL:D

AfricAnaMia : I used to categorize people. The ones who encourage you and even compete with you are the good ones. The annoying and bad ones are the ones who discourage you, tell on you or keep commenting/ questioning.

Anyway.. i seriously need more self control..

Really happy there's a football match for Arsenal tomorrow.. morning... at 2.45, Singapore time. Ok. I know. Don't nag!!

i don't like the way they do that

My friends listen when i speak, they seem so happy to see me even if i don't smile back. They are so willing to accept me temporarily into their circle even though i haven't spoken to them in a week. And the worst is when they compliment me.

Can't anyone tell that all that makes me immensely uncomfortable? I feel so small when a whole group of them actually listen up AND look interested when i speak.. i always wanna just drift off into silence, but out of obligation i finish my sentence. And those fucking compliments.. i hate hate them. I wanna believe them so badly, but there's this HUGE voice in my head yelling "fuckin bitch, you don't deserve it, they obviously don't mean it. Look at that face in the mirror. You call that pretty? YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. remember that. " 

Fuck it. Stop complimenting me. 

And another issue's when people try to get to know me. 90% of the time, i want to know them too. But there's this defense mechanism i have, once i sense anybody trying to get in, or if they already know me, trying to get too close, All the walls go right up. just like that. The worst people keep trying. I end up hating them. Yep. That's a bit of me for you to know.. 

I feel like cutting. And i almost binged just now. I had 1/4 cup of granola and i took 2 bites of something else when i Knew i was gonna hate myself for it to the max later. So i threw it away.. 

To hell with me. NO WAIT! What the hell am i talking about it? Aren't i already in it.

Life now seems like an endless race, where i have to keep running and running, faster and faster, no resting, no comfort. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm just tired of living. 

IM paranoid?? Right. Knew it.

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Water retention. It has to be water retention. I barely ate today, so why am i 98 lbs? 

So.. I've decided that if i'm gonna give my all to studying, i'm NOT gonna give up on thin:)

Failure number??

Takin a break from fuckin math. Why the hell can't i freakin do proportion questions?? I've asked i don't know how many teachers i don't know how many questions on that topic and i STILL CAN'T GET IT. Retarded much?

check.

So instead of kickin down everything in my house and have my sis call me a crazy bitch, i cut. HELL.....

ED keeps rearing her skinny lil' head. I don't mind. honestly. I love her. :)

Eye contact has been bothering me a lot lately. Including the one with the mirror. :S.... I feel so lost without my hipbones.. but they're showing up more and more when i'm lying down. And the same goes for my ribs:) Come on, the both of you!!!! Show up! i ain't me without you!!!:(

I watched a vid yesterday about .. well let's say it was super anti ED. Fuck them, ED is not a food disease, it's a freaking PSYCHOLOGICAL thing, which, puts it in the same category as bipolar and schizophrenia and all.. so why don't they discriminate against ALL types of psychological stuff? Just cos we're thinner than them?? So it's a jealousy thing? BASTARDS!!

You gotta hide your kids, hide your wives and hide your husbands.

LOL!:D

We gon' find you!

LOL!

laughed my socks off!

My self esteem has taken an all time low.

Well, ok, it's ALWAYS been low. But not this low.

I had to restrain myself from cutting a few times since the last time.. yeah. self control still in check.

CANNOT wait for the stupid exams to be over. iNEED to get back to anorexia. And i think the whole don't- diet- while- you're -studying -for- a- major- exam thing is stupid. i mean, how am i supposed to sit down and focus on the books when i'm thinking "fat, need to go to the gym". But the lack of a rumbly tummy helps. I'm going back to hot drinks sometimes.

Controlling cutting myself is difficult, and so's keeping ED in check. But better all that than being a fat, procrastinating blob like so many others.

I'm freaking addicted to this song:

STUPID WEIGHT SCARE!

WHO THE FUCK SAYS I'M 103 POUNDS??? THAT'S WHAT AN ELECTRONIC SCALE FREAKIN TOLD ME!! i know i gained.. but i'm only 96.5! bloody hell.. scared the SHIT outta me! 

asshole.. I won't EVER use an electronic one again, that's for sure! 

One of my friends at school knows about my ED and everything and isn't one of those cynical idiots. But i must remember she IS normal after all:P.. kinda freaked her out a little today with my talk of concave abs :s. ....oops.

I don't think i'll promise not to cut no more. knowing me i'll probably break it again.

 That bitch that fuckin bitch. You are sooo dead. failing math. Cutting when you're not supposed to. You die, you fuckin die.

Yes. i do talk to the voices in my head. A lot

This song always makes me cry.

this song was for her friend who was a bulimic, if you didn't know..

I might as well start keeping track of how many promises i break.

I dunno why, but i'm getting more and more depressed. Keep feeling like crying.

There's a new anorexic in school- and damn she's fast! But why now??? What about the exams???:O!

Anyway.. class potluck tomorrow. EW. i'm gonna keep away from carbo again. IM FAT! OBESE! The reason i stopped staying away from carbo was because i nearly fainted a few times in one day and i got scared. but too bad. rather faint than fat.:) FAINT FTW!

I cut myself today. I feel so relieved. I know i should feel disappointed that i broke my promise... but to be honest i don't care. I've been holding in the urge for ages and it's such a goddamn relief.

Something i've always wanted to say to the "normal world":

YOU CAN MAKE AN ANOREXIC EAT, YOU CAN MAKE A BULIMIC STOP VOMITING, YOU CAN FORCE PEOPLE LIKE ME TO STOP CUTTING OR BAN US FROM THE GYM. We can do that... but what many people don't understand it's that it's not the food IT'S THE HEAD, DAMN IT. You guys go "Ew! look at that anorexic! crazy woman.. she looks disgusting". Stop doing that. Don't comment on something you don't.. or refuse, to understand. PLEASE STOP. we hate it.

6 MORE FUCKING WEEKS!!! 6MOREWEEKS!

6MORE WEEKS TO MY O LEVELS! fuck! i'm fucking dying. stressed beyond believe and looking like a zombie..

I can barely even find time to sleep!

anyway.. for my o levels.. i'm kinda sacrificing everything.. but i'm making up for it by exercising EXCESSIVELY. yup. i'll make sure that in every minute of the day, at least 2 parts of my body's aching real bad. right now it's abs, thighs and arms:)

i think i'm getting depressed? yeah.. this is what happened just now at the supermarket..

I was gonna buy yoghurt and i took a carton off the shelf and looked at it and it was like:

173, put it back

124, put it back

75, still too much

134, put it back..

.

.

.

.

again and again. i couldn't stop till i saw 53, i just wanted to cry...

i'm not gonna say "i wish i could not do that" because i'm not sure if that's what i really feel...

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

I'm gonna study real hard now.. not gonna blog for quite a while.. and hopefully when i come back i'll be thin!!!

CW: 94pounds.

ps: yep. i was 96 yesterday but i managed to starve it away today.:)

BELCH.

I AM FAT.

Honestly do not dare to take my weight now. I SWEAR it's at least 96. EW !

Know why? Yesterday, for the entire day, i felt like my brain was literally dying. like a large bacteria in my skull was chewing it up. i had two pain killers. DID NOT WORK. So i binged on carbs till i felt better. Going running later. But seriously! every bite of carbohydrates felt like a restoration to my brain!!

how weird. ever had that happen to you?? i call it the carbo headache:/

FML. just had subway.

FML!!!