I'm so fucking miserable. I think I have BDD, a really bad case, and it's driving me nuts, I can't even go into the bathroom and hence bathe etc when it strikes. I weigh 102.3lbs currently but when it's bad I look into the mirror and LITERALLY HONEST TO GOD see a 140lb individual I don't know what to do.
I have ordered Wasted and it's at the bookstore waiting for me. Goodness, my precious baby book's gonna be FINALLY mine.
Since the start of May till now i've lost 7.7lbs. Could be more, but for some reason something's stopping me from being so mean to myself this time. Maybe I just like myself just a little bit better.
I'm so fat. My STGW currently is 94lbs. I wanna make it down to 88 and see where I go from there. My lowest is 85.5. Compared to that i'm a whale.
I survived my exams week and i'm kinda confident for all the results except for chemistry. Chem was barbaric. Surprisingly, and for the very first time in college, I am pretty confident for math.
Everyone's like time to relax etc, i'm like no, it's after THIS particular exam, but before the A levels. Maybe it's just me, I feel kinda useless if I relax too much, I always feel like I must be doing something.
I just wish I were just a little saner.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I have ordered Wasted
WOO HOO! FINALLY! Approximately $27.
I am about 103.4lbs.
I REFUSE TO STUDY today. My exams start tomorrow, lit first paper, King Richard III.
I am gonna sorta eat a bit better today, after passing out yesterday. I only remember my head hitting something then black.
I am going to rest in God's presence.
Have a great day everyone, or try to:)
I am about 103.4lbs.
I REFUSE TO STUDY today. My exams start tomorrow, lit first paper, King Richard III.
I am gonna sorta eat a bit better today, after passing out yesterday. I only remember my head hitting something then black.
I am going to rest in God's presence.
Have a great day everyone, or try to:)
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Book Crazy
Library books currently in my possession:
Dying to be thin Nikki Grahame
Thin Grace Bowman
Thin Lauren Greenfield (I recommend this! It's also a documentary i'm watching right now on youtube. Very good.)
Madness Marya Hornbacher
Stick Figure Lori Gottlieb
Fantastic day today, cereal in greek yogurt, apple for lunch and a little bit of Tutti Frutti yogurt for dinner. Loads of coffee and diet coke.
Dying to be thin Nikki Grahame
Thin Grace Bowman
Thin Lauren Greenfield (I recommend this! It's also a documentary i'm watching right now on youtube. Very good.)
Madness Marya Hornbacher
Stick Figure Lori Gottlieb
Fantastic day today, cereal in greek yogurt, apple for lunch and a little bit of Tutti Frutti yogurt for dinner. Loads of coffee and diet coke.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Falling in love with HP again
So the Harry Potter exhibition is in Singapore! I went yesterday and it was bloody fantastic except for the fact I didn't get a chance to do the sorting hat thing cuz all the kids wanted a go and there were only 3 volunteers allowed. I bought Bertie Botts for my sis, and for myself : 1 chocolate frog, Ron's wand replica and a Gryffindor scarf.
I am so SO mentally exhausted from all the mugging, late night mugging, early morning mugging. Cramming info into my brain. Insomnia to add on. And I kinda ate normally over the weekend (Fat, greedy pig, no common sense) but THANK GOODNESS I only went up to 105. Weird body. Only one pound. So far today, everything i've eaten is non-carbs, except for a single Weet Bix this morning with breakfast.
I swear my face has shrunk.
I wanna do INCREDIBLY WELL for my exams so so so so bad. 24th June.
I am so SO mentally exhausted from all the mugging, late night mugging, early morning mugging. Cramming info into my brain. Insomnia to add on. And I kinda ate normally over the weekend (Fat, greedy pig, no common sense) but THANK GOODNESS I only went up to 105. Weird body. Only one pound. So far today, everything i've eaten is non-carbs, except for a single Weet Bix this morning with breakfast.
I swear my face has shrunk.
I wanna do INCREDIBLY WELL for my exams so so so so bad. 24th June.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
104 at last
God what a scare, yesterday I had water retention and was 106.5.
My new friends have never seen me like this. One month away from them and i'm back to the old me. No more pretending. When i'm back in school i'm no longer gonna pretend that i'm all put together for their benefit. I shall not act anymore. I don't care. I just wanna be the way I am, they're just gonna keep asking if I am ok, do I wanna eat. They'll think it's for attention. Fuck them all. Non of their business. If they can;t accept me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best.
My new friends have never seen me like this. One month away from them and i'm back to the old me. No more pretending. When i'm back in school i'm no longer gonna pretend that i'm all put together for their benefit. I shall not act anymore. I don't care. I just wanna be the way I am, they're just gonna keep asking if I am ok, do I wanna eat. They'll think it's for attention. Fuck them all. Non of their business. If they can;t accept me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Going insane just about now.
I'm getting more and more stressed and I feel incredibly guilty when 2 things happen : When i'm eating too much and when i'm studying too little. I only managed to study 3 chapters today :( Cuz I fell asleep in the afternoon for 4 hours. But yesterday was brilliant, 6 chapters.
Insomnia's back, I try to sleep, eyes close, mind races like a bullet train: Formulas, essays, points. Madness. Going crazy.
To keep my head a little calmer, I have started to plan my meals:
Tomorrow's plan:
Breakfast: 1 egg (78), one slice wholewheat bread (maybe ketchup, I have to buy mustard) (74)
Lunch: This small packet of biscuits (110?)
Snack at 4:30 pm: 1 egg (78)
Dinner: Whatever my grandmother cooks (Max: 230)
Fruits: (~50)
Total: 620
Fuck. Soon i'm gonna eat about 300 or less. Cuz i'm like studying my butt off now, gonna give myself a few days for my brain to get used to less food.
Gonna wake up early to study, then gym at about noon, then study till about 2? Then gonna suntan! While studying haha I don't care if it's bad for my eyes, I mean people can read at the beach right! I just bought banana boat's spf4 tanning oil. And my skin (especially my left upper arm) has like huge gaping holes in my skin from the previous burn. But like I care, tanned skin makes you look thinner and makes me feel better in my skin anyways. I hate my body, like the weight is SO DIFFICULT TO BUDGE.
Stubborn ass body I hate it so much.
And to add on to my list of irritants my dog has developed a bout of craziness, making a TON of noise once everyone goes to sleep, he's disturbing my studies and sleep, fucking bitch.
Insomnia's back, I try to sleep, eyes close, mind races like a bullet train: Formulas, essays, points. Madness. Going crazy.
To keep my head a little calmer, I have started to plan my meals:
Tomorrow's plan:
Breakfast: 1 egg (78), one slice wholewheat bread (maybe ketchup, I have to buy mustard) (74)
Lunch: This small packet of biscuits (110?)
Snack at 4:30 pm: 1 egg (78)
Dinner: Whatever my grandmother cooks (Max: 230)
Fruits: (~50)
Total: 620
Fuck. Soon i'm gonna eat about 300 or less. Cuz i'm like studying my butt off now, gonna give myself a few days for my brain to get used to less food.
Gonna wake up early to study, then gym at about noon, then study till about 2? Then gonna suntan! While studying haha I don't care if it's bad for my eyes, I mean people can read at the beach right! I just bought banana boat's spf4 tanning oil. And my skin (especially my left upper arm) has like huge gaping holes in my skin from the previous burn. But like I care, tanned skin makes you look thinner and makes me feel better in my skin anyways. I hate my body, like the weight is SO DIFFICULT TO BUDGE.
Stubborn ass body I hate it so much.
And to add on to my list of irritants my dog has developed a bout of craziness, making a TON of noise once everyone goes to sleep, he's disturbing my studies and sleep, fucking bitch.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Old Habits.
FUCK!
My dad just ordered pizza for dinner, and he already made us eat macs for lunch, what the fuck is wrong with him just cuz he doesn't mind extending his pot belly does NOT fucking mean the rest of us love getting fat as well.
Time to pull my old habits outta the dark for tonight's Meal Of Horror.
Anyway, the Alevels are looming threateningly, and once again i'm in danger of pushing myself completely over the edge like i'm so stressed and tired i'm having such a hard time not snapping at the merest hint of an irritation. And my starving and depressive attitudes and behaviors are reemerging unbidden. Oh well.
Watching longboarding vids for a while then back to mugging
My dad just ordered pizza for dinner, and he already made us eat macs for lunch, what the fuck is wrong with him just cuz he doesn't mind extending his pot belly does NOT fucking mean the rest of us love getting fat as well.
Time to pull my old habits outta the dark for tonight's Meal Of Horror.
Anyway, the Alevels are looming threateningly, and once again i'm in danger of pushing myself completely over the edge like i'm so stressed and tired i'm having such a hard time not snapping at the merest hint of an irritation. And my starving and depressive attitudes and behaviors are reemerging unbidden. Oh well.
Watching longboarding vids for a while then back to mugging
Thursday, June 7, 2012
105!!!
Brilliant day, woke up at exactly 8:05, studied a bit, then at 10:30, went down to suntan. Mich, I did wear shorts!!! Yup, those shorts with the swimming-appropriate material, so I went for like a 10 minute swim in the pool. It was at midday so everyone else was at home, no chance of anyone seeing the scars, even if the shorts rode up. My entire body's smarting, cuz of not-so-bad sunburn. To me it isn't bad at all at least, when I went to christmas island I was BLACK, and now every sunburn I get seems ok to me. There were a family at the other side of the pool, but they stayed there and they didn't bother me at all. I love sunburn soooo much. I can't remember how long the tan'll last for this degree of burn though. My annoying ass body took such a long time to get the cue as to what the heck it was supposed to do, had to lie there for nearly an hour before the browning became perceptible.
Anyway, i'm like finally losing weight!!!! 105, and last month I was 109/110. This is so brilliant, I can't wait to hit 100!!! woots.
IT was such a relaxed-ish day, did 2 chapters of chem and I have chem tuition tonight at 8. The centre is REALLY FREEZING COLD = burning calories! hee hee.
Have this damn Polymerase Chain Reaction workshop tomorrow. Damn it. Like, who cares about PCR, and some of my classmates are actually excited-.-. for crying out loud, an entire day of studying gone.
I have 48 chapters to study by 24th June, and i'm done with almost 30, although I wanna redo a lot of them.
Have a great rest of the week!
Anyway, i'm like finally losing weight!!!! 105, and last month I was 109/110. This is so brilliant, I can't wait to hit 100!!! woots.
IT was such a relaxed-ish day, did 2 chapters of chem and I have chem tuition tonight at 8. The centre is REALLY FREEZING COLD = burning calories! hee hee.
Have this damn Polymerase Chain Reaction workshop tomorrow. Damn it. Like, who cares about PCR, and some of my classmates are actually excited-.-. for crying out loud, an entire day of studying gone.
I have 48 chapters to study by 24th June, and i'm done with almost 30, although I wanna redo a lot of them.
Have a great rest of the week!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The most irritating little book in the world.
So the damn bookshop did not have Wasted, and then I saw The Best Little Girl in the World. I very nearly read the entire book in one sitting then was so VERY annoyed, I nearly threw the entire book out of the window.
I can assume to those who've never experienced anything close to an eating disorder this book would be so enlightening! So this is what eating disorders are about!
This book is bullshit. First, it TOTALLY ADHERES to the absolute stereotype of an eating disorder, white, middle-upper class, female, white, emotionally inaccessible father, a mom who's really concerned but clueless and uselessly angry, self-absorbed kid who just wants attention cuz her older siblings steal all the limelight. (And bonus! She does ballet, and someone told her she was too plump. Surprise surprise!!!!)
Not only that, it's super racist, like I know the book was written in 1978, but there's an extremely distinct divide between black and white in the book. Like, even anorexia was supposed (according to the "black" girl) a "white disease". What the shit. I hate racism and like everyfriggintime there was a "black" it HAD to be pointed out. SOOOOO annoying, and not only that the damn author made the "blacks" speak in that stereotype "black" slang -.-
That's another reason I wanted to throw the book outta the window. Shit. And all the "anorexia" habits and sit are so superficially described. Thank God Wasted came out.
I wanna go swimming so bad, but too many scars on my thighs, I suppose i'll have to go by myself at night, wearing shorts over the bottoms...
I miss my old school, my friends, my teachers so unbearably. I met a few girls wearing my school uniform selling stuff near H&M yesterday and damn that triggered this.
I can assume to those who've never experienced anything close to an eating disorder this book would be so enlightening! So this is what eating disorders are about!
This book is bullshit. First, it TOTALLY ADHERES to the absolute stereotype of an eating disorder, white, middle-upper class, female, white, emotionally inaccessible father, a mom who's really concerned but clueless and uselessly angry, self-absorbed kid who just wants attention cuz her older siblings steal all the limelight. (And bonus! She does ballet, and someone told her she was too plump. Surprise surprise!!!!)
Not only that, it's super racist, like I know the book was written in 1978, but there's an extremely distinct divide between black and white in the book. Like, even anorexia was supposed (according to the "black" girl) a "white disease". What the shit. I hate racism and like everyfriggintime there was a "black" it HAD to be pointed out. SOOOOO annoying, and not only that the damn author made the "blacks" speak in that stereotype "black" slang -.-
That's another reason I wanted to throw the book outta the window. Shit. And all the "anorexia" habits and sit are so superficially described. Thank God Wasted came out.
I wanna go swimming so bad, but too many scars on my thighs, I suppose i'll have to go by myself at night, wearing shorts over the bottoms...
I miss my old school, my friends, my teachers so unbearably. I met a few girls wearing my school uniform selling stuff near H&M yesterday and damn that triggered this.
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