some background info first:i come from a family who has 4 daughters. 2 younger sisters, 1 older sis. my parents favor the younger one, my grandmother favors the oldest and youngest.
(in this story, my name will be A)
4-6 years.
when i was younger, i was chubby, as in the kid chubby. my sisters were thin. my older sis has always been really nice about it. but really, she was STICK thin. my younger sis was not only thin, she was pretty and spoilt. and a brat. from about this time, she had already started calling me" fat" and "chubby". i am also the only one in my family who has curly hair. so she would say things like "nooo, mummy, i don't want to share a (anything) with A.. her frizzy hair is so gross and she'll take up so much space anyway." of course my mom had to reprimand her, but my mom loves her most, so it was really little.
i was"the chubby one", my older sis was "the thin one" and my younger sis was "the pretty one"
at family gatherings, they would comment on how my 2 sisters were so thin and my younger sis was so beautiful.
and how i was so chubby. can you believe it, one of them even once said "!!! why is A so fat and the other 2 so thin??has she been stealing their food?" jokingly, of course. but i would sit there on the floor, at 4yrs old, "fat, fat fat" bouncing around my head like a ball. not only my relatives. loads of people. there were so many nights, i would lie in bed, yes, at 4, promising myself to be thin, to shut all those fat asses up.
at home, my grandmother constantly reminded me to stop taking so many extra servings, to stop being so greedy and save some food for the others.
7yrs old.
third sister born.
whenever someone was mean to you, you usually had someone to run to, to brush all those comments away. i had no one. i was and will never be close to my grandmother. my mom favored my sis, so she wouldn't scold her.
parents quite broke this year. quarreled like crazy.
i started to notice something, whenever i felt insecure, i felt FAT at the same time, it was proportionate to each other.
of course even at 7 we would know that eating causes fatness. so at my most insecure moments, if i refused to eat dessert, or that last chip... i realized i felt... powerful, maybe even thin.
my younger sis started something. whenever i touched her most precious doll, for example, she would vigorously brush it, as if i was so damn filthy. as a kid, i retaliated. i did the same back to her. but i didn't mean it, i couldn't mean it. i just didn't have that bitch in me. she could tell, of course. and i could do nothing about it.
i remember once i scored like, 70% on a test, duhh.. i boasted. my grandmother was there, and i can still remember the exact words she said "that's nothing to boast about, your sister always got 90% at that age."
it hurt. i felt like nothing, like whatever i did would be stupid anyway, compared to my MARVELOUS sister's accomplishments.
in school, since i am so insecure, i never dared to make friends, who would like some fat idiot like me anyway?? but there was this girl, a scrawny kid, who was also a loner, she took me under her wing. i remembered how i absolutely adored her. but i've lost touch with her now..
8-about 13 yrsold
i met many other people. my sister was still as mean.at these ages, i went through bouts of depression, where i refused to eat because i was fat, when i refused to go out with my family and throw fits when they forced me to, because i couldn't stand the idea of strangers staring at me.
it was this period of time i started developing my personality traits. stubborn, silent, VERY reserved. EXTREMELY difficult to get to know.
i started understanding the fact that what bullies want is emotion. cry and they win. run and you lose. gain weight and give others a chance to call you fat. gain weight and you are a loser. even till this day, people complain i'm to reserved, too emotionless, that the sky can crash down in front of me and a would barely batt an eyelid.(that ain't my fuckin fault)
14yrs old
met a friend, H. she was as short as me, but slightly thinner. and as bad as my sis( i've dumped her). for example, when i went out shopping with her, and we were buying jeans, she would pick a size smaller than mine. i would ask her if she were sure about that , and she would be like "WHATT?!!! you've always known i'm smaller than you". and i would shut up.
of course, my sis. never once stopped her shit. all this time she would me there to berate me. if my dad says" A's got a memory like an elephant's!!" she would go "erm.. well isn't that sorta an insult, seeing that besides their excellent memories, the rest of them's just plain stupid and fat?" yeah. and i'll leave the rest up to your imagination.
there was once my mom told my youngest sis" hey! i think your hair's starting to curl like A's!" heard her say "ewwwww!!!!! i hate A's disgusting, frizzy hair, Please don't curse me!!"
and once H told me carelessly "lol, that day after you went home my little bro said he didn't like you cos he hates people with disgusting frizzy hair.. coming to think of it, i saw an old fat aunty who had hair like yours just the other day! haha"
this was the year i stopped eating lunch on weekdays and started going to the gym on a regular basis.
15years old.
back from end of year holidays. S was anorexic. everyone else was like "eat more" or "are you kidding?!! you weren't even fat!!"
but to me, i saw her stick limbs, her jawline. somehow.. i was.. drawn to it.
i don't know exactly when, but i started getting Obsessed with anorexia. i would go to the library, or online to search for anorexia stuff. symptoms,habits, how to spot habits, consequences. i would just read it over and over again. then one day at the library:
i flipped open a book on anorexia. the usual, except for one thing. this book had a picture. i looked at her ultra sunken cheeks. her protruding ribs, super visible against her concave stomach. her shoulder bones. my breath stopped. i knew i was supposed to be disgusted with the excessive lanugo, the sunken eyes. but i couldn't help it i thought she was utterly beautiful.
around july:
SICK of muffin top. started doing crunches. loads, to the point i could do up to 150 a day. then one day, at the end of the year, had an idea.. why not count calories. i didn't know exactly how much, all were estimates. but i always ended up with 2000 plus at the end of the day. it was slightly annoying, if not nothing. i started challenging myself to keep the number down. i was very very happy whenever it went below 2000. one day, the idea formed... what if, just what if.. i tried for ... less than 1000? i tried for days. i didn't know how to restrict effectively. but one day i did it. i looked at the number, it was about 950 something. i felt the same feeling i felt all those years ago, at 4yrs old, when i first refused that dessert.
don;t know exactly when i met up with "pro ana". but once i discovered her, i was SUCKED RIGHT IN. i the consequences didn't matter, only that i was getting thinner, and instead of telling me to my face i'm fat, they were gossiping behind my back about how thin i was, which suited me.
now.
now, it is so difficult for me to believe compliments, so difficult i never do. i don't deserve them. i've never gone out with a guy because i don't want to make them stick with disgusting me, even when it was So obvious they liked me back. just the other day, i refused to go with my classmates to watch eclipse, cos i knew my presence would ruin it for everyone.
when i berate myself, i am not like those who do so to receive attention and get compliments. i MEAN what i say. 100%.
i am so reserved, i have so much difficulty trusting.
it will always be the same till the day i die. this shit will never change.
but it ain't my fault.
after all, i've been constantly reminded, again and again, before i could even read a picture book without help, before i could even spell "feather", that i'm nothing more than a useless, unwanted, worthless, fat, ugly, frizzy haired, disgusting, filthy piece of pond scum, haven't i?
it doesn't matter if nobody in the world can understand how frustrated i've always felt. how i ain't faking any of this.
ps if you think about it, contrary to what is seen on my profile, the basis for my ED actually started like about 12 yrs ago and not so recently, but watevs
