Friends.

Friends.

I have some anti-social tendencies. And i keep away from my friends. When i can. Well.. most of them. I have a few, especially this girl i've known since i was 9, who i really don't mind hanging out with whatever my mood may be.

But most of them i am careful to keep a distance. they go out together, talk about their favorite bands, etc. they don't bother asking me anymore cause thy know what i'll say- no.

but the thing is, i can tell they like me, even better than the people within their own cliques sometimes. more than the people who want so bad, and will do anything to be in those cliques.. i never ever do anything- i'm just me. i don't deserve this.

i sworn when i was like 10? never to be one of those who do that. act.

i can tell that when they see me alone, they call me over because they want to be with me not because they feel obliged. it's SO weird. i don't deserve them..

Ever since young, although i seem stoic and emotionless most of the time, what everyone doesn't know is that behind this facade of nonchalance, over the years, i have learned the skill of picking up on people's intentions, what they want, whether they really like you or not or if they mean what they say. it's a skill i can choose to use or not. when i bother to use it, i realize that whoever i thought hates me, (like the other day) actually doesn't. it's so weird....

there's this clique in my class.. lol.. they actually are very suspicious of each other and all of them like me more than they like each other. i'ts hilarious.

i think.... i just get people..

Anyways.. it doesn't matter. we're all gonna go our separate ways after this year. they can forget about me and i can forget about them. in the meantime, I'll just keep to myself and avoid lunch invites and all.. so they won't fuck up my diet.

and yes, they Are (slightly) aware of my ED. but they're all real nice about it

Fuck that.. i don't deserve such nice people, such love.

motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going.