Unbearable Sadness

There it goes again.
The feeling I always forget to dread; to look out for.
Like a thick cloak that swamps my entire being
or a dark, tangible cloud hovering like 2 vultures.
There it goes again.
Melancholy,
Sneakier, stealthier more silent
than Anorexia.
But devours more quickly and completely.
Harder to control too.

Blooaaaat

I bloat SO bad. I don't even know what to do about it. It's not like I eat a ton of food, it can be just a bowl of cereal and a mug of water and my tummy bloats.
And I don't know how this happens but whenever I do resistance/ strength training for my arms, they actually seem to get BIGGER. Aren't they supposed to get taut?
I'm not sure about my weight now, but my i've been doing loads of cardio, pilates, resistance and strength.

What i'm doing now:
Avoiding carbs
Walking a lot more instead of taking the bus etc,
And videos i'm using:
Victoria's Secret Abs
Victoria's Secret- Core
Pop Pilates- Abs

These are SO GOOD, not even kidding.

Rainbowwww:D

So yesterday I went shopping for the first time in like 2 months. I am like extremely poor, I think I mentioned that before. So I can only buy like at most 2 things? And one of the things I bought was this!

This really cute leopard print rainbow top from Forever 21. The type where you have to layer it over a cami or tank or bandeau. So the other thing I bought was just this cream colored cami, cuz I have loads of layer-over shirts too. This top should be a really fun and challenging one to accessorise and wear with other clothes:)
I love fashion and shopping so incredibly much.
In SOME way it's a good thing I can't afford too much clothes cuz putting together an outfit is always a new challenge.... unless i'm in a rush:(
Have a great day/ evening girls:)

Argh. Period, go away...

I'm having my period after... 3 months, which obviously means i'm eating wayyy too much. It came back with a vengeance. The cramps were so bad today I could barely hobble home from the bus stop.
I like, seriously hate it when boys play with your emotions by like, not texting back and all. They just CANNOT understand that we can't help reacting this way.. :(

Went to Quiznos with my friends today, and as usual, spammed the honey mustard. Can't resist that stuff. How many calories I ate today, I do not want to know. I love pilates workouts, seriously. They are pretty fun compared to crunches or other boring workouts.

Checked out Sephora today. I can't wait to start working after my A levels, so I can earn money to buy more makeup:)

This song is AMAZING

Anorexia is all around

It's like anorexia is everywhere now. My older sis is doing a project on anorexia. She went to get Stick Thin from the library. And some other books HAHAHAAHAHA I told her i'd lend her my Wasted for 20 bucks. And then there was this awkward silence in the room in which I think I was the only person there who didn't feel awkward. They all know how devoted to that book I am, but they're all not too sure why. I found that particular incident extremely funny.
My younger sis on the other hand is doing this school thing called project work, and this year's topics are "Waste not, want not" and "The Eureka moment" and she told me a group in her class was doing the former topic on anorexia. I could only laugh. Clueless tits meddling with something that probably doesn't even mean shit to them. I can like totally imagine all the people mentioned above typing "anorexia" into Google, and going EWWWWWWWW at the images. Oh yeah. And like copying down "Symptoms... Refusal to maintain normal body weight blahblahblah" LOL.

So I realize that if I don't want to exactly starve, but I still want to lose weight I can if I do these things

Run/ do cardio things that will get me into the fat burning mode about 4 times a week. (Running for at least 15 minutes gets your body into the fat burning mode)

Eat A LITTLE wholemeal carbs and/or yogurt with low fat wholemeal cereal whenever i'm hungry many times throughout the day and peanut butter!!!

Avoid white carbs like it's oil

Not very intensive strength exercises (e.g. 50 push ups a day, pilates style workouts, arm workouts, lots of thigh and abs workouts) every other day

(cliched but) Seriously, be more active, like long boarding around my estate etc. Or like choosing to walk instead of taking the bus. Or whatever. And walking in high-heeled booties or heels are a great workout hahaaha.

And really, you'll find your body shrinking.

It's so not fair...

I gain weight RIDICULOUSLY easily. One week i'm 101 and eating super healthily, oatmeal and shit.
The next week I eat slightly more, y'know like perhaps cereal instead and BAM! one-oh-fuckingfour.
Like what the heck.
My body is one rebellious bitch. I want to shrink my thighs by this friday, those bitches ballooned up again.

I feel like learning how to slide on my longboard but it's in the middle of this MAJOR exam for me and if I get injured, yup.

Stupid thighs.

My sis went to get The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath in her iPad, I soooo wanna read it. LOVE Sylvia Plath.

You know me too well

I am actually considering deleting my tumblr account.
Cuz to me blogger are like my sisters but tumblr's all (or almost all since I met one tumblr friend in real life yesterday!!) strangers.
Tumblr knows me too well. Too well. People are starting to know too much, I feel so exposed. I want to delete it.


It's not very good to put too much of yourself into something.


"Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain."

101

Poundsssss:D
The other day my friend commented "Sarah is extremely thin", but surprisingly I did not feel anything I expected to like joy or elation like I would have 2 years ago. I felt this twinge of curiosity. Like a "Really?" I couldn't believe it.
Then they started talking about thinness, the table of girls and the thing is, in my previous school eating disorders, especially anorexia, was really prevalent. The same girl started talking about that. "The other time I was sitting at the bus stop just outside xxxx school, I saw this girl in a black jacket who was seriously stick thin, I kid you not. I was like OH MY GOODNESS that girl is like soooooo thin!!!!" And at that time everyone at the table was eating lunch except for me and so she triumphantly concluded "Therefore, everyone at xxxx school is anorexic!" (My school is an all-girls school)
lkjuimhyggasdfghjjkkl. Did she consider the girl's feelings or reasons, did she think the girl did not know how ugly she was being that thin?
How dare she. I think I might even know who "the girl in the black jacket" was. One of my friends. In my new school, it seems to me, everyone simply eats to their hearts' content. Sometimes I wonder if they gorge themselves, but seriously, I don't care. But they do. Eat sausages three days in a row and expect a big reaction. Bring an apple to school and it's "Are you trying to do the an-apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away thing?????" Eat cereal and "You never eat normal food!"
We're gonna part ways soon, junior college in my country only lasts 2 years, and yes i'm gonna miss them but definitely NOT gonna miss this aspect of it. I am so sick of it. The way others eat is none of anybody's business.

I am gonna meet this guy I came to know through tumblr. I am meeting him at this church. It's really awkward cuz once you know my blogger or tumblr, you'll know me inside out. And he's only just got to know me..... and he knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do?!!!?? O_O
His tumblr (I might edit this out in the future)-- l0velikejesus
Mine: empty-nothingness

Okay so i've been studying really hard for really long so I haven't gotten into the writing mood in forever. But last night I did!!!! It came upon me all of a sudden so I sat down, as usual, and wrote it out. I shared it on tumblr, and i'm gonna share it here as well.

So i’m thinking about beauty. How do you define it? Or more importantly, who has the right to define it? I believe the people who are best at identifying it are those who’ve had an ugly past, and have left that past behind them. These people will have walls around their hearts, but as the heart and soul heal, the walls start to go down. The ability to trust once again starts to take tentative gulps of air, sweet, sweet air, air it hasn’t had in a long time. These people may withdraw into themselves again from time to time, or ruin relationships with the lack of trust or all-consuming insecurities. People leave; the past may come back at 3am in the night as they sit on the windowsill, dwelling in the melancholy the night knows so well. That they know so well. But there are those- those who do get better. There are quite a lot of them. They acknowledge the past, they embrace it as a part of them, an unavoidable fact they will never escape and despite this, they move on. They allow the special few into their lives, maybe the new ones they meet, maybe those who helped them heal, who taught them to live, love, laugh and trust again. They allow them to peek into their soul despite the brokenness, the pain, possibly the lurking darkness, and also the hope that lives there. They know that there is the risk, there is the possibility of heartache that lurks around every corner. And yet they allow their souls to be seen and loved again for what it is. And yet they allow themselves to be vulnerable once more. 

These are the beautiful people. 

I hate this shit

I think this is truly the point where I start to go insane.
I can't study, can't focus can't think shit.
I stopped my pathetic "dieting" and lost 2 pounds. Which, obviously, makes it more pathetic.
My emotions are out of whack, I can't even feel anything properly. Like, what the heck?!!!

Crap! My exams are in 6 days and i'm going totally insane!

Don't know if I should take a total study break till Sunday. Sigh. Stupid brain

Exam madness

A levels in 96 days, and though my results are like one of the best in my class, I don't really feel prepared.
I'm 102, which sucks. Met up with one of my closest friends in the world on Tuesday night, both of us sort of binged together. Not in the unhealthy way, but i'm alternating between 250 and 350 calories a day till Sat to make up for that.
I plan to be 98 by mid August. Should be easy with discipline.
I've had a tension headache more or less continuously for 3 days, blehh.

Mixed bag

Bad stuff happened. A girl whom i've known since I was 8, though only as a schoolmate, died yesterday. She fell out of her window in her home, from the tenth floor. I don't know her, so I can't actually be mourning, but imagine how terrible it must have been for her, like, maybe she slipped or stumbled or something and imagine the terror that she must have felt as she fell and the pain as she hit the ground.
And good stuff too. My insane mugging during the june holidays have paid off... to a large extent. I actually got 61% for math, which is my WORST subject, and for the rest it wasn't that good but i'm pretty sure I didn't fail anything (haven't gotten back a few), so.. i'm quite happy.
I felt exceptionally pleased with myself when I held my A level entry proof in my hands for the first time. I am actually taking the A levels, such a renown examination, I am really happy about that.
Other good stuff. I have decided to go for prom, an event I forfeited in secondary four and will regret doing so for the rest of my life. I will be REALLY THIN by the time it's prom, 4th December.
And... I am 102lbs! Woots. Can't believe I was 110 like at the start/middle of May.

I'm starting to get colder.

Wasted

I officially own Wasted. *Celebratory drums and trumpets sound!*

And my face looks a hell lot skinnier from the last time I posted.

Omg. I am so happy about the fact I own Wasted I could cry. Mine. Actually mine.

The Brilliant Plan

Like, why didn't I see it before?!!! It's so FUCKING OBVIOUS.
Like, I just look at the vast size of my upper arm and I realize that this atrocity which goes by the unfortunate name of Eating Normally can no longer continue.

The plan : Maximum: 400-500 calories a day! Watch the pounds melt off!
Tomorrow:
Breakfast: Tuna 30
                 One slice wholemeal bread 74
Break one: Water
Break two: 3 rice cakes 73.5
                   Peanut butter 30
                   Apple 50
Dinner: max 200

Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

I just feel like being 90lbs RIGHT NOW. So maybe.... after a (short) while.

I am so super hyper right now. Crazy mood swings. Can't even focus. Can't study. Listening to Boney M and bobbing around. Sometime I seriously wonder if I MIGHT have some slight form of bipolar. This afternoon I was contemplating cutting the jugular into 2, neat, separate pieces. And they always say "apply pressure to the wound"- how would one do that to a completely severed jugular? Then I got overcome with a wave of pure exhaustion. And now- MY THOUGHTS ARE JUMPING EVERYWHERE!!!!! How am I supposed to study wait- I don't care. Fuck. Gonna continue watching Thin documentary by Lauren Greenfield.

SOS?

I'm so fucking miserable. I think I have BDD, a really bad case, and it's driving me nuts, I can't even go into the bathroom and hence bathe etc when it strikes. I weigh 102.3lbs currently but when it's bad I look into the mirror and LITERALLY HONEST TO GOD see a 140lb individual I don't know what to do.
I have ordered Wasted and it's at the bookstore waiting for me. Goodness, my precious baby book's gonna be FINALLY mine.
Since the start of May till now i've lost 7.7lbs. Could be more, but for some reason something's stopping me from being so mean to myself this time. Maybe I just like myself just a little bit better.
I'm so fat. My STGW currently is 94lbs. I wanna make it down to 88 and see where I go from there. My lowest is 85.5. Compared to that i'm a whale.
I survived my exams week and i'm kinda confident for all the results except for chemistry. Chem was barbaric. Surprisingly, and for the very first time in college, I am pretty confident for math.
Everyone's like time to relax etc, i'm like no, it's after THIS particular exam, but before the A levels. Maybe it's just me, I feel kinda useless if I relax too much, I always feel like I must be doing something.
I just wish I were just a little saner.

I have ordered Wasted

WOO HOO! FINALLY! Approximately $27.
I am about 103.4lbs.
I REFUSE TO STUDY today. My exams start tomorrow, lit first paper, King Richard III.
I am gonna sorta eat a bit better today, after passing out yesterday. I only remember my head hitting something then black.
I am going to rest in God's presence.
Have a great day everyone, or try to:)

Book Crazy

Library books currently in my possession:
Dying to be thin Nikki Grahame
Thin Grace Bowman
Thin Lauren Greenfield (I recommend this! It's also a documentary i'm watching right now on youtube. Very good.)
Madness Marya Hornbacher
Stick Figure Lori Gottlieb
Fantastic day today, cereal in greek yogurt, apple for lunch and a little bit of Tutti Frutti yogurt for dinner. Loads of coffee and diet coke.

Falling in love with HP again

So the Harry Potter exhibition is in Singapore! I went yesterday and it was bloody fantastic except for the fact I didn't get a chance to do the sorting hat thing cuz all the kids wanted a go and there were only 3 volunteers allowed. I bought Bertie Botts for my sis, and for myself : 1 chocolate frog, Ron's wand replica and a Gryffindor scarf.
I am so SO mentally exhausted from all the mugging, late night mugging, early morning mugging. Cramming info into my brain. Insomnia to add on. And I kinda ate normally over the weekend (Fat, greedy pig, no common sense) but THANK GOODNESS I only went up to 105. Weird body. Only one pound. So far today, everything i've eaten is non-carbs, except for a single Weet Bix this morning with breakfast.
I swear my face has shrunk.
I wanna do INCREDIBLY WELL for my exams so so so so bad. 24th June.

104 at last

God what a scare, yesterday I had water retention and was 106.5.

My new friends have never seen me like this. One month away from them and i'm back to the old me. No more pretending. When i'm back in school i'm no longer gonna pretend that i'm all put together for their benefit. I shall not act anymore. I don't care. I just wanna be the way I am, they're just gonna keep asking if I am ok, do I wanna eat. They'll think it's for attention. Fuck them all. Non of their business. If they can;t accept me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best.

Going insane just about now.

I'm getting more and more stressed and I feel incredibly guilty when 2 things happen : When i'm eating too much and when i'm studying too little. I only managed to study 3 chapters today :( Cuz I fell asleep in the afternoon for 4 hours. But yesterday was brilliant, 6 chapters.
Insomnia's back, I try to sleep, eyes close, mind races like a bullet train: Formulas, essays, points. Madness. Going crazy.
To keep my head a little calmer, I have started to plan my meals:
Tomorrow's plan:
Breakfast: 1 egg (78), one slice wholewheat bread (maybe ketchup, I have to buy mustard) (74)
Lunch: This small packet of biscuits (110?)
Snack at 4:30 pm: 1 egg (78)
Dinner: Whatever my grandmother cooks (Max: 230)
Fruits: (~50)
Total: 620
Fuck. Soon i'm gonna eat about 300 or less. Cuz i'm like studying my butt off now, gonna give myself a few days for my brain to get used to less food.
Gonna wake up early to study, then gym at about noon, then study till about 2? Then gonna suntan! While studying haha I don't care if it's bad for my eyes, I mean people can read at the beach right! I just bought banana boat's spf4 tanning oil. And my skin (especially my left upper arm) has like huge gaping holes in my skin from the previous burn. But like I care, tanned skin makes you look thinner and makes me feel better in my skin anyways. I hate my body, like the weight is SO DIFFICULT TO BUDGE.
Stubborn ass body I hate it so much.
And to add on to my list of irritants my dog has developed a bout of craziness, making a TON of noise once everyone goes to sleep, he's disturbing my studies and sleep, fucking bitch.

Old Habits.

FUCK!
My dad just ordered pizza for dinner, and he already made us eat macs for lunch, what the fuck is wrong with him just cuz he doesn't mind extending his pot belly does NOT fucking mean the rest of us love getting fat as well.
Time to pull my old habits outta the dark for tonight's Meal Of Horror.
Anyway, the Alevels are looming threateningly, and once again i'm in danger of pushing myself completely over the edge like i'm so stressed and tired i'm having such a hard time not snapping at the merest hint of an irritation. And my starving and depressive attitudes and behaviors are reemerging unbidden. Oh well.
Watching longboarding vids for a while then back to mugging

105!!!

Brilliant day, woke up at exactly 8:05, studied a bit, then at 10:30, went down to suntan. Mich, I did wear shorts!!! Yup, those shorts with the swimming-appropriate material, so I went for like a 10 minute swim in the pool. It was at midday so everyone else was at home, no chance of anyone seeing the scars, even if the shorts rode up. My entire body's smarting, cuz of not-so-bad sunburn. To me it isn't bad at all at least, when I went to christmas island I was BLACK, and now every sunburn I get seems ok to me. There were a family at the other side of the pool, but they stayed there and they didn't bother me at all. I love sunburn soooo much. I can't remember how long the tan'll last for this degree of burn though. My annoying ass body took such a long time to get the cue as to what the heck it was supposed to do, had to lie there for nearly an hour before the browning became perceptible.
Anyway, i'm like finally losing weight!!!! 105, and last month I was 109/110. This is so brilliant, I can't wait to hit 100!!! woots.
IT was such a relaxed-ish day, did 2 chapters of chem and I have chem tuition tonight at 8. The centre is REALLY FREEZING COLD = burning calories! hee hee.
Have this damn Polymerase Chain Reaction workshop tomorrow. Damn it. Like, who cares about PCR, and some of my classmates are actually excited-.-. for crying out loud, an entire day of studying gone.
I have 48 chapters to study by 24th June, and i'm done with almost 30, although I wanna redo a lot of them.
Have a great rest of the week!

The most irritating little book in the world.

So the damn bookshop did not have Wasted, and then I saw The Best Little Girl in the World. I very nearly read the entire book in one sitting then was so VERY annoyed, I nearly threw the entire book out of the window.
I can assume to those who've never experienced anything close to an eating disorder this book would be so enlightening! So this is what eating disorders are about! 
This book is bullshit. First, it TOTALLY ADHERES to the absolute stereotype of an eating disorder, white, middle-upper class, female, white, emotionally inaccessible father, a mom who's really concerned but clueless and uselessly angry, self-absorbed kid who just wants attention cuz her older siblings steal all the limelight. (And bonus! She does ballet, and someone told her she was too plump. Surprise surprise!!!!)
Not only that, it's super racist, like I know the book was written in 1978, but there's an extremely distinct divide between black and white in the book. Like, even anorexia was supposed (according to the "black" girl) a "white disease". What the shit. I hate racism and like everyfriggintime there was a "black" it HAD to be pointed out. SOOOOO annoying, and not only that the damn author made the "blacks" speak in that stereotype "black" slang -.-
That's another reason I wanted to throw the book outta the window. Shit. And all the "anorexia" habits and sit are so superficially described. Thank God Wasted came out.
I wanna go swimming so bad, but too many scars on my thighs, I suppose i'll have to go by myself at night, wearing shorts over the bottoms...
I miss my old school, my friends, my teachers so unbearably. I met a few girls wearing my school uniform  selling stuff near H&M yesterday and damn that triggered this.

I don't know when

I don't know when i'll ever go swimming again. Scars all over, unless I swim in normal clothes? If I find a pool that allows me to, seeing the strict ass laws in my country.
I think i'm gonna use my birthday money to buy Wasted!!!
It's always on really high demand at my neighbourhood library..
Is it wrong to be so pleased that i've lost 3 pounds?

UNBEARABLY FAT

I feel so FAT. Like, unbearably so, how did I let myself "bloom" (sarcasm intended) to this horrific size?? No one understands and I feel that this blog is the only place I can turn to. Like, they can't understand when I describe my body as this overwhelming unbearable cage.
My one month "school holiday" started on Friday. It's in inverted commas cuz my A levels start November 5th, and this is but a MAD STUDY MONTH. I have a month to get skinny, then hop back in school looking "Wow! So much skinnier!" A month to make it big with my results.
A month to thin. I can do this!

Turning back

Now that i'm stressed, I think i've been semi-consciously going back to ana.
I didn't EXACTLY plan to, but it seems like the more stressed, the more I find my weight completely unbearable. I borrowed Wasted yesterday. Again. Brilliant, addictive book, I love love love the style, the mood and atmosphere of the whole entire book. Marya is AWESOME.
I am finally turning into a girl, haha. What I mean is that ever since i've been a kid, i've ALWAYS boon a total tomboy. But now i'm more and more into makeup and clothes. I really like this, makeup is really very pretty, I never really liked it before. But i'm definitely still into skateboarding and long boarding, of course! How could I not be??!! :)
My birthday's next Sunday!!! Can't wait to be 18! Amazing to be an adult! Too bad my exams start that week's Wednesday.
Wanna buy the Falsies mascara.... and a boho-style shirt from F21:)

Marya Hornbacher's birthday!!!!

Today is MARYA HORNBACHER'S 38th birthday people!!!

Anyway, i haven't been blogging for a bit, and my life's been going quite a bit better. I love my friends and my school now though I hated the whole business of it last year.

I started long boarding a LOT more. I wanna learn how to slide. ASAP. Trying my best to learn it thought it's hard to find hills that aren't roads in my country.

Annoying update: My family is fucking INTENT as hell on finding out if I have a boyfriend. I don't actually. But even if I DO, it's none of their business.

I wanna get a bikini body so badly. A (nearly) perfect one.

I love skating so much I can barely articulate it. I'm incredulous that it seems that a majority of people DON'T skate. They have NO IDEA what they're missing out on.

My happy video:) I love Dutch (blond dreadlocks)

How do you let go?

How do you let go of something you've known and cherished for so long?

How do you compromise between wanting and needing?

Is it better to not say it at all and avoid the regret or saying it and knowing you can never take it back?

It's been a pretty good week, I want to try this- If we pray for a divine appointment to share our faith everyday, God will give it to us.

And i've always been unsure about my future after college, and then on Sunday, a thought came to me- why not go to bible college? I mean I want to live for God, I want to share His love, I want to go on mission trips and share the gospel with as many people as possible. Why not?

I love weetbix and oatmeal, seriously. Like, the best choices.

2.5 kilos

I've lost 2.5 kilos since the beginning of january.

I've been eating an average of about 1100 calories, or less or more this past week.

I have a question- Should I tell the boy I like him? When? After my exams?(Ends in December)

It's been a bad week for me. I think my friend saw my fresh cuts, but she already knows. I just don't want to make her sad.

I wish I knew everything

Nearly binged today.

I don't know how to say this aloud without boasting, I'm so scared of my pride, so I'll say it here. A few weeks ago, I was anointed with the gift of tongues.

Today, I saw the boy with someone else even though I was SO SURE God promised me he was supposed to be mine. I was so ready to throw everything away, and then I remembered the gift of tongues, MY gift of tongues, and I couldn't ignore it.

I need to learn how to stop loving the boy. I love him to the Kuiper belt and beyond, but he's not mine.

I cut today.

Longboard!

Mine.... finally mine and i'm so in love with it!

1AM ramblings

I've never wanted anyone so much in my life and I can't even remember what he looks like 99% of the time without a pic or whatever. I love him for his... essence, if that makes sense, I don't love a particular thing about him, just HIM, everything about his existence. I love him with everything I am and he doesn't have a clue, he's just, so far from me, you know what I mean.

Whenever I think about him or see him, I feel this terrible terrible ache, radiating from my chest.

Dear Jesus, I want him so bad, gosh.

I can't wait to longboard, quite sick of skateboarding haha softer wheels would be so lovely.

I lovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehimlovehim

Please please please watch this!

Football woes

I miss football like crazy. If anybody asks me if I miss football, i'd say "What's not to miss?" But I know what I prioritize first, so. :/.

Anyway, Chinese new year's coming up, the freaking fatness of the food scares me just thinking about it. But the red packets! Can't wait to top up my long board fund! heh. My mom wants to share the longboard with me, can you believe it? It's just gonna save me a load of cash :p.

I find these tips or .... steps? Help me a lot:

Replace carbs, or most carbs with vegetables

Skateboard a lot!!!

Cereal for breakfast: muesli/ low fat granola, half a bowl, fill the rest of the serving with non-fat yogurt.

Munchies: Oats (Make you super full for long and it's about 119cals? ) or dry muesli and eat it slowly with your fingers haha, it takes some getting used to and it takes really long to eat and it's low cal.

Run at least 2km/20mins 2 times a week- FORCE YOURSELF!

Tone triceps, biceps, shoulders etc at least 3 times a week, but I do it quite lightly. like, 16 times with 1kg weights

Walk with my doggie:))! At least 2-3 times a week? A short distance only though...

Listen to worship songs while running- MY FAVORITE songs and helps me soooo much!

Yup.

Mini success story

I've lost 0.9kgs this past week! Overjoyed, though it could've been better. Yups... gotta go now, homework load's a killer tonight! Keep going girls!

Isolation

"I cannot alter the need for distance nor can I lessen the low and omnipresent pain that distance creates."- Marya Hornbacher, Wasted.

The story of my life. Now, in college, I neither have a clique nor a bestie, so basically i'm a floater. Which suits me perfectly. But it tends to get terribly lonely, and if i'm hanging out with a clique i'm not part of them so it's perfectly fine to let me be left out. I feel terribly lonely in college, yet I am so scared to get too near to anyone. I'm so lonely, so lonely.

I'm doing a college survey now, about our wellbeing and the questions go like " I cry ofetn/ have difficulty sleeping" and strongly disagree, disagree, agree, strongly agree. There are questions like if you cut yourself, if you wanna hurt yourself , if you need help and wanna talk to someone. I want to click strongly agree for I wanna talk to someone. ( I need help and I want to speak to someone) I wanna talk to someone, damn it. I'm a freaking tornado inside and i'm losing it. But, to talk to humans, they leave, you see. They always do.

This is one of those times when those fogs of great melancholy sets upon me. And it's not lifting.

(I've decided to paint a false picture of happiness in the survey, i'm only gonna be in college for 2 years, this being my last, no point building deep roots anywhere)

Gonna exercise as much as I can now!!

My head's gonna explode

I was supposed to stop starving. And then my mom's boss gave all the employees this darned machine which calculates BMR, body fat percentage, water percentage, etc. My BULIMIC sister's results for body fat: 19% and weight 39.8. BMI: 17.6 She's bloody thin and everybody is completely blind. I refused to step on it, and she patronizingly went, "It's okay, I won't see it". Which means she KNOWS she's bothering me. She's been making sure I know I'm fat ever since she's learnt the word, I wonder if it's forgivable if I say right now that ever since I realized she was a closet bulimic, I've hoped she'd die of it. I've never loved her and after all, it seems like my body image will NEVER improve as long as she's alive. I'm not sorry, I don't even LIKE, much less LOVE her.

I want to starve again, 2 weeks after convincing myself to "give it up". And last night I cut. I cannot wait to earn my own money and start living alone. For me, the biggest thing that signifies is THERAPY. I want to tell somebody, but they'll DEFINITELY FORCE me to tell my parents and the thing is whenever my mom sees a cut or two, it's always with my family. (I wear longer shorts at home, and when we go out as a family, my shorts are shorter) And my mom will say very loudly, insensitively, in my opinion "Are those CUTSSS??? Have you been cutting yourself?! LET ME SEE! Pull up your shorts!!! ....... NO?!!! Then why are those so REGULAR??"

I mean seriously, if you don't know how to deal with shit like this, then DON'T. She doesn't even consider how I might be feeling with the whole family's eyes on me. And a few months ago, I was with my family and I seriously needed to cut, like, urgently, so I tried an alternative, like whacking my leg with the other. My older, normal sis (announced, in my opinion) "Are you crazy.... always hurting yourself, what the hell man"

I hate my family, they are the biggest barriers to any hope of recovery. Hate them hate them hate them insensitive idiots.

And now i've been containing and dealing with everything so long I feel like my head's gonna explode. I need to deal with this and I CAN'T deal with it. My chest's gonna explode too. fml.

On another topic I AM GONNA GET A LONGBOARD!

But unlike all the other times with my skateboard and lotsa other stuff, this time I'm REALLY not gonna jump into purchasing it, I swear i'm gonna do some SERIOUS RESEARCH. Like, the brands/decks/trucks/etc, whether it's better to get a complete or assemble my own etc. Yup. I can barely wait. I'll probably but a complete one cuz to give a idea of the price, the cheapest wheels I could find online so far was about US$40 for 4 wheels or US$27 for 2 wheels...... yup, while the complete ones, including the shipping cost the cheapest I could find was US$189... so probably complete, but in Singapore, the average starting price for a complete one is S$250, reaching to prices of about $700.

I can't wait. For both the therapy and the board.

What went wrong?!

About 3 weeks ago I bought the book Scars that wound Scars that heal by Jan Kern, some guide to healing from you know what. (Yeah, from the start the message was to tell someone I trust which I obviously didn't) And everything was going so well, I SWEAR. Until last night I get frustrated about something pretty dumb.. and yeah. Couldn't even stem the emotions enough to pray a single word.

I want to tell someone, but who?? I want someone to love me enough to take the razor from my fingers and hug me, and to look at my scars and not judge. But, obviously, I don;t trust the human race that much.

Ashamed, disappointed, mad, confused, abandoned, resigned.