Writer's Block.

Yup. That's why i haven't been writing.

Anyway. My CW is 44KG. SIgh. Too fat. At least i can still fit into the jeans my sis can't. I was parading around in her 4 inch stilettos lol. I felt so Massie Block-ish. :)

I REALLY hope i get to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows AT LEAST once more. seriously.

Replies:

anna~: :) No offense taken... I watched the last 2 only once each.. I liked it, how could i not, as it's HP? But i felt like the movie director changed it too much, like seriously! He freaking changed everything. Made it his own movie when it's suh-pposed to be like, the BOOK'S movie>( But. Yeah. At least for the 7th book he didn't change it THAT much.

I learnt a very important lesson today. If someone is playing around with your heart, your emotions-don't let them. In fact, turn it around till you have the upper hand. At least that's what i'm doing.

Do I dare?

Do i dare? To take my weight?

Hm... well, no, although the mirror says i've lost. But, yeah, anyways. :/

I thought i was going to watch HP for the third time, but it turned out that my dad didn't buy a ticket for me because he thought i wouldn't wanna see it again>(

SO. I was left all alone at home. But. Obviously. NO ONE'S STOPPING ME FROM WATCHING HP. so, i turned off all the lights and watched the chamber of secrets. Much better, honestly, without my stupid family members there to comment and criticize. AWESOME:)

HP!HP!HP!

I've watched The Deathly Hallows twice so far, and i'll probably watch it again tomorrow.

I love Severus Snape!

I love Nagini!

I love Remus Lupin!

I love George Weasley!

I love Dobby!

I love The Deathly Hallows!

anyway. So far i've lost about 1.5pounds since starting my diet.

Dude. This is TOO SLOW!

Sigh.

Confused.

We spend half our life sleeping, but we spend our whole life waiting.

Waiting in lines, waiting for times, waiting to be old enough, waiting for a call.

We're always waiting. We just don't always realize it. Waiting for someone to say something, waiting for them to notice you. Constantly waiting for that one person, and they have no idea you're waiting for them.

Try sleeping with a broken heart

We were awesome but we lost it, it's not possible for me not to care.

Accidentally saw a close friend's wrist. Saw the cuts.

Really hope that people who know about ME doing it don't feel the way i do, don't cry the way i did when they see MY cuts, or know about it.

Time to lose weight.

It's over. The O levels are over

Suddenly, i'm so free i have no idea what to do.

One of my friend's being really difficult. She distances herself from the class on purpose, for attention, and basically does the reverse psychology thing. It's so annoying and i think she's under the impression i'm in the same boat as her. And i just can't leave her... don't know what to do and she expects me to bitch about the people she bitches about. SHEESH. So i sit there, telling her i am NOT going to bitch about them!!

I plan to shrink my arms first. My abs are doing quite good. The plan now is to eat SLOWLY. And as little as possible. Need to do more cardio. And CRUNCHES. Especially those.

IT'S OVER!!!!

Nightly nightmares. Self induced insomnia so i don't have to enter dreamland and meet the monsters in my unconscious mind. Sighhhh

Graduation tonight and Harry Potter tomorrow.

I'm sorry, you don't have to read this

I'm really sorry. But this is the one and only place in the world i'm ever allowed to say this.

I HATE BEING POOR. Stupid irresponsible IDIOTS i have to call my parents. What the fuck is wrong with them??? What was the point of having so much FUCKIN SEX??? Just so to produce 4 fuckin kids to sap out all your fucking money, reducing you to a poor wreck who can barely afford anything? OH NO it doesn't stop there. no, of course not, whaddya expect?? They take the pains to SHOW OFF. Every year, they bring they're kids on holiday, obviously so they would not lose out to their rich cousins, so they have something to boast about. But where do they bring us? ASIA. Fuck Asia. BORING. The cheapest tickets-Bangkok, China, Malaysia. And OH NO it doesn't stop THERE EITHER. They buy a condo, 2 macbooks, 1 ipad and 1 i touch. And ipods for everyone in the family, and a DSLR. What are they left with, you might ask. 2 idiots constantly yelling at each other over money, turning me into the bitter, unpredictably temperamental, untrusting thing i am. And i'm living on eggshells. Anyone can blow up anytime. And i can't even trust my closest friends. And everything so called expensive, that i want either has to be bought by ME or become a birthday present, if it is STILL TOO EXPENSIVE, (ie; 80bucks and above) it will still be a present, but i have to pay for half of it. WTF.

Mind you, every article of clothing i wore as a baby was branded, and nothing else, but my parents weren't happy. They went on to have 2 more kids, the forth during bankruptcy, for gods sake. The only article of clothing i have which by my parent's standard is EXPENSIVE is $150 (sing dollars) and it's my football jersey and i bought it for myself. The rest are at most $10 and 90% bought from Bangkok. All because they INSISTED on having sex without a condom so much fucking times.

Fuckin irresponsible IDIOTSSSSSSS i'll never forgive them for ruinin my life like that. Seriously. I don't get it. Slip on a fuckin condom and i don't have to be poor.

I HATE BEING POORRRRRRRR

DISASTER

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

Hello everyone:)

Today's intake: 2pcs of bread: 250

one small muffin: 150

rice(a bit): 300?

local food: 290

total:990:/

ok. anyway.

All i have to say is:

CHEM

WAS

A

COMPLETE

DISASTER.

The MOST i got was 95%

This is one of the worst days of the year. DEFINITELY.

Ramblings

Terrible day.

Freaked out this morning when i looked at my arms in the mirror, then cried in chem class when i got a mere 30/40. RIDIKULUS. I ALWAYS get 35 and above. Ok, i admit i was half asleep when i was doing the paper, but stillllllll.

And I was made to eat popeyes :S. SHIT.

Currently pissed off.

VERY PISSED OFF.

Just thinking about a few things.

Is it a sin to retaliate when someone you love has hurt you?

What is worse? NOt finding out about something important and remaining blissfully ignorant, although knowing about it would be a real treat,

OR Being allowed to know about that something for a SHORT WHILE (very very short), then having it snatched out form under your nose.

LIFE SUCKS.

We were awesome but we lost it, it's impossible for me not to care.

Bout of depression

Feeling slightly depressed...

I am OBVIOUSLY reading TOO MUCH Harry Potter. I've only got 2 papers left (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) And both are bio and chem, both mcps, so.

I'm reading Harry Potter everyday, not in order, y'know, like book 2, book 1 book 5 etcetc, and bits of Harry Potter keep randomly appearing in my dreams like last night i dreamt of a dementor and that i had a trunk. Oh well, not like i mind, and in fact, i like it, only that it can get kinda scary..

Just had a macs chicken burger meal for lunch, fries, burger and diet coke. Barely 5 minutes later, i'm seated on the toilet having explosive diarrhea:) My body obviously agrees that oily food should not stay in it. This time i didn't even need vinegar.

I forgot i was going out this morning- i had a terrible stomachache the whole morning from breakfast-you see my body usually gets rid of the food asap, so without a toilet...

I'm not going for prom cause i'm WAAYYY too self conscious, and i can't live with all those disgusting pictures of me on facebook, ewww. I won't be able to live with myself. For the friends who found out i'm not going, they were actually rather disappointed.. I was seriously surprised, i honestly thought they wouldn't care if they found out, and it's not like they'll notice my presence anyway.

So... to all my friends who care... this is for them:

(i know they won't see this, but still..)

Whoaaaaa

Whoaaa...

Chanced across this pic in my friend's Facebook.. I didn't know Singapore looked like that from this angle.

Anyways. Today was a BAD DAY. Must'ave eaten more than 1900 calories, by the look of it.

But on the brighter side. In 9 days time at this time of the day, everything is OVER.

Near death experiences

@DolceCaramel: HIiii:) thanks for following me, Of course i don't mind:)

Have i mentioned? Firstly, i have to admit i cut myself again, three semi deep ones on the top of my right thigh.. sigh, i try to keep it from the friends who know now, cos it hurts them, and they really don't understand why i do it. ( and one shallow one in the space between my fat-swamped ribcages)

Secondly, for 2 nights in a row, Thursday and Friday, i've had near death experiences in my dreams. The dream i had on Thursday night was REALLY weird...

In the first part of it, it was nothing short of brilliant.. I had a fuckin WAND.. You can totally imagine me in that dream- doing spells all over the place..(Lol.. even remembered Ferula[book 3]) Then the scene changed, i was suddenly swimming in this lake/ sea of some sort cos a mad man pushed me in off the edge of this sharp edged rock and there was an octopus-monster in it attacking everyone in the water, and i was SO SCARED and swimming for my life and swimming in SO MUCH BLOOD... ( i woke up SUPER SUPER pissed with myself, cos i forgot to do my favorite spell- Expelliarmus.. haha:D)

And the second dream was how my sis and i dropped a bag of giant China pears onto some railway tracks somewhere, and while i was helping to pick them up (my sis didn't actually go on the tracks), a train came SO CLOSE to hitting me.... freak, i actually woke up cos of that( i woke up with my social studies- stuff i have to remember for monday's exam- running through my head at top speed... whut?!!!)

And last night's was really weird, like throughout the whole dream i was dreading having to scuba dive at night under some submarine...but it didn't actually happen.

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!!! Usually i don't really remember my dreams, and they're so boring that even if i do, I forget them after awhile..

Maybe it means i'm gonna die soon, but like i give a shit, i MAJORLY screwed up English and LIT...

But as usual, it usually means i'm just going mad, and i had bouts of really bad sweating on thursday, the beads of saltwater badly stinging my fresh cuts... YES. Definitely going mad, as it was a COOL day..

My bones are all resurfacing:) Fastest to do so are the ribs and shoulder bones.. however, i will not weigh till i FEEL like i've lost weight

Just when i thought i would be alone.

Deepavali today, meaning it's a public holiday, meaning my family is at home. EWWWW. I wanted to be alone and study reaaal hard today cuz i didn't study at all yesterday... it's SO hard to study when they're all at home. It's like the fuckin weekend. I HATE WEEKENDS. It's when all of them are around and i hate them.. have i ever mentioned i love mondays?:) Weird? yeah, maybe, but it means that dreaded weekend is over.

Something's up with my colon. The thing is that if i eat a little (this usually applies to mornings.. and sometimes in the afternoons), i will be hungry, BUT, if i eat enough to be sure i won't be hungry, i get diarrhea.. so i eat more:)

Yesterday, i knew my dad would make me eat some fattening carbs filled lunch.. so before and after i ate, ate a couple of prunes, and afterwards a cup of diluted apple cider vinegar and a couple cups more plain water.. and i got myself a recipe for lovely diarrhea to flush all that disgusting lunch out..

I really need to perfect my method of getting self-induced diarrhea...

Gonna try and finish my social studies by dinner then spend tonight reading The Prisoner Of Azkaban:)

Ps.. when i know i am causing people hurt, i would really love to stop it, but the thing is they don't know i know, and i don't want to embarrass them by going up to them and talking about it.. so i don't know what to do..

Really nice quotes:)

You get hurt the moment you start to care.

Sometimes we build up walls - not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Because people are so fickle. They fall in love at different angles. So really I could lose you just as quickly as I've gotten you. And that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous, and worried if you'll really think I'm worth it. When the rush wears off, and you're left with this busted person.

Don't waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away.

No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it. No one's afraid to say "I love you", they're just afraid of the response.

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

I really don't understand this world... could someone please explain it to me?

An empty whiteness

So........

lonely..........

Screwed up? Yes, definitely.

Somehow, i managed to simultaneously trample on the feelings of two of my reaal good friends. The two people in particular who know about the cutting, restricting and wackiness. And of course, 16 is DEFiNiTELY old enough to be mature about these thing, so i went to talk to them, for one hour, each. I totally resolved it with the BOTH of them, but now they're really distant. Hurts like shit. 

And the thing that hurts the most is that they still care.

How the damn H does that even happen? One of them even made me promise i wouldn't cut myself over this. The one whose feelings i might as well have slashed with a knife, and she wouldn't even let me cut myself over this, cuz she doesn't want me hurt. 

Anybody care enough to kill me?  

Bad??

I can't study anymore. And the exams aren't over.

But i REALLY CAN'T.

I've reached saturation point.

And i miss starvation,

Especially the emptiness,

And running my forefinger down the back of my upper arm, measuring its concavity, and finally ending up at the elbow, where the bone juts out like nobody's business.

Enjoying the feel of my hipbones beneath my blanket every night before i go to sleep

Please, exams, just end..

I'm so tired....

Thank god i studied like FUCK before the O levels started, so my head is stuffed with all i need, but isn't it better if i continued studying?

(Sorry for the multiple posts... i just miss this blog SO much)

RANDOM...

You know... since you guys have never like, seen me before, if you'd like to know, my hair's this curly, naturally, even if i don't do anything to it...

Just in case anyone's curious...

(it looks like that when it's tied, but when i don't it's curly ALL OVER)

Yeah.. i's kinda cool cuz i'm like the ONLY one in my family both on my mom and dad's side who has naturally curly hair)

I used to hate it but now i love it.. i don't want to be like my sisters anyway.. ew!

Haha.. hope that was interesting..:)

GEOGGGGG:)

Elective Geography today!!! 13days to freedom!

RESPONSES@:

Spacecadet18: Thank you:) Yeah I'm REALLY worried about her too:( Why did this have to happen.. she was one of the happiest people i know, and now... yeah, you know..

Lilah Lee:Thank you:) means loads:)

Well... Geog was.. hm. Ok i guess. We had 5 themes to study. It's really scary how most of the people in my geog class spotted! I studied everything. Geog is really horrible...

Gonna start- from today- cutting back on carbs. DISGUSTING CARBS. I reaally HATE carbs, you know. The root of all fat. But i'm not gonna count my calories yet though, cos once i start on that i'll be really preoccupied with it and worry a lot and everything, and i obviously can't be thinking about that when i'm in the exam hall!

4 more papers to go:)

Bio paper 2, Social studies, Chem paper 1 and Bio paper 1..

BTW, not saying you MUST, but check this chick out, SHE IS AMAZING:)

(btw, i got it from Perfection In The Making's fb, if you know her-she deleted her blog cuz everyone found out)

FAIL

HEYYY GUYS!(or girls..)

Sooo.. i haven't posted in ages! It's right smack in the middle of my O levels right now:) I completely screwed up my lit paper today. Yes. COMPLETELY. Have i mentioned i hate lit? I'm taking full literature and my 2 texts are To Kill A Mockingbird and A Midsummers Night's Dream. Eugh at the second one. Anyway.. ALOT of people kinda know about my eating thing now but only 1 of my REALLY close friend and of course, my ana buddy knows i'm gonna hop right back onto the pro ana wagon after the 15th of November (LAST PAPER!!! BIO MULTIPLE CHOICE:)) Well. Obviously. My ana buddy's gonna do the same. And my friend's like i know i can't stop you but she obviously doesn't want me to do it -.- like i wont! It's REALLY nice to have someone on the outside who i trust so much and i can tell so much. And most importantly, won't stop me. I've kinda started dieting already, by the way.. i'm too fat! But i'm not gonna starve..yet. (YET!)

I'm gonna watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows about 4-5 times!!! WHOOOO! I love HP to the total MAX.

Another good friend who i seriously care about and love has gone to ana:( I was trying to explain to my "outsider" friend how i really DON'T care about how i have to suffer but i feel a sharp pang of pain whenever i see others going through the same thing... she didn't get how i could not feel for myself..

Oh well:) gotta go study geog:)