King Richard III

Woo hoo! Went to watch King Richard III yesterday, and it was AWESOMEEEEE:D

I thought the way both the director and the actors interpreted it was really cool, really awesome and I was seriously anticipating the part when Richmond came in.

This year is pretty awesome in this way- my third shakespeare play this year:)

I FINALLY managed to get out of lunch yesterday, and watched the play dizzy, empty and high. What an amazing feeling, i've missed it.

I can't wait to be skinny. Hollow cheeks, stick arms.

I want you back, where are you?

"She fears her own shape - it becomes, like a monstrous creation, the seat of all discomfort, pain and anxiety, while the idea of an alternative, thinner shape provides comfort, stability and reassurance"

When I was thin, everything was sharp, clear, focused. I knew exactly where I was going, what my worth was. I was clear and focused; driven, sharp, intelligent. Now I'm fat, unfocused, lazy, unmotivated, greedy, needy, clingy, round, my body is turing into something I have absolutely no patience for. I lie in bed at night, crazy prayers, words screaming at top speed through my head. Feeling the gravity of my "womanly roundness" sining into the mattress. I eat. I cannot stand my body. I want ana back.

Last year was another life. Friends I know will always be there when I turn around, the body becoming increasingly acceptable in the mirror, good grades, 6,7,8 hours of studying a day, top grades. Now? Eating, trying to restrain, failing, eating some more. I see curves in the mirror, the softness of the chin as I move my fingers across the skin. The soft, womanly thighs curving, resting against each other. I think, I want to look like Twiggy, or Karen Carpenter, look like I did last year, at 85 lbs. Now? About a hundred, having difficulty sitting down and studying for more than 3 hours.

Anorexia.

I want anorexia back. From now on i'm gonna do all I can to be "sick" again.

I hate this life, I hate this body.

Sickness is HEAVEN compared to this, twisted as it sounds.

MY GOAL!

What do I call this?

PERFECT

MY GOAL

ATTAINABLE

BEAUTY

To my body

To my body:

You disgusting, repulsive, fat, uncontrollable needy, wobbly, excessive, greedy, UGLY, rebellious THING.

Why won't you listen?

It's incredibly frustrating, dealing with you. You have never had the tendency to fatness, I have never been overweight, getting you to actually be FAT would require me to overeat excessively. Yep, you stay at a healthy weight with no effort at all, "slacking" on my diet will not bring you into fatness, maybe you'll put on 5 pounds at most, but, no, not fat.

But don't you get it? I don't want healthy. I want thin- no NOT the thin my friends call you. Remove the "healthy" rosiness, chubbiness of your cheeks, carve away the NORMAL curve of thigh, arm, belly, calves.

Stop it. STOP RIGHT THERE. Stop turning into a woman. I can tell what you're doing, rollicking carelessly towards womanhood. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BECOME A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen to me, cooperate for ONCE for fuckssakes! I do not want normal healthiness! I want emaciation.

I am fucking sick to hell of you and your normalcy. Yes, you heard right, I want you to be a freak of nature, agree with the mind for once. Remember the mind reading the science encyclopedia, the section called reproduction in humans, the part about puberty and its effects at 8 years old? Remember what I said- out loud? "Oh no. I do not want this, I do not want any of this."

Please, cooperate.

It is both unfortunate and fortunate you are mine.

Unfortunate, because I have to deal with your curves and cycles, something I have NEVER EVERRRRR wanted. I have to deal with repressing all your ridiculous, impertinent demands, the chubby , FUCKING CHUBBY CHEEKS! The grippable thighs. The round, WOMANLY arms, I don't want WOMAN!

Fortunate because, as you are mine, it is completely within my power to bind you up, gag you, fling you bodily around like a rag doll. String you up like a puppet, I am the puppeteer of you.

I hate you, hate you so much I try not to think about the crazy hatred. It's strong enough to make me nauseous.

I'm just a step away from slashing you up, completely.

I don't care, I'm gonna carve you up, turn you into the very picture of perfection. Think Karen Carpenter, Twiggy. Gosh. Twiggy. Yes. Lose 20pounds, cut your hair.

Body, I hate you. FUCK you. sheesh.

432.5

I had a 432.5 calorie binge today.

Halfway through the binge, I felt SICK of eating, I didn't feel like eating any food at all. I wasn't even full, but wasn't craving anything. Might have been because I started eating CHEESE for some weird reason and cheese, except cottage is NUMBER ONE BAN! and my instincts were repulsed.

Guess i'm no longer stupidly, needfully addicted to food; this diet's gonna be so good. I just don't want to overeat.

I haven't lost more than three quarters of a pound. Yet my friends have started buying food for me and guilt tripping me to eat; yet I wake up nearly nightly with my calf muscles in searing knots. Yet in the mirror my ribcage becomes more visible each time. I don't know what is happening. Yet, my calves barely touch anymore. Everything is showing, the needle isn't moving. My body is fucking rebelling, like the fucking piece of shit it is. I HATE it, the crazy uncontrollable hatred impossible to restrain; no longer a mad dog on a leash, but a vast universe, like the blanket of outer space expanding infinitely, wrapping around me. This self hatred bubbling below the surface since I was 4, 3 years old, finally taking a life of its own. It's mine, yet it's its own. I don't know what to think. Is it my arrogant body? Is it because it was always meant to be like that from day one, yet, me, scared of it's sheer virulence, unconsciously tried my best to reign it in; the scorching wire cords burning deeper and deeper into my skin over the years. Burnt by it's ferocity, I let go of the reigns, the outward explosion of my self hatred. I think I have stopped fighting it, sitting back now, letting it control me. I don't care anymore.

I am becoming out of control. In this year, my (craziness) anxiety levels have elevated tremendously, scared of the motion sensor which announces my presence loudly and silently with the tiny red light, reminding everyone of my very much unwanted physical corporeality on space. I avoid it's sweep across the living room as best as I can, on my silent morning laps up and down the living room. I close my eyes and see strange, terrifying visions- a large split in the skin, barnacles growing on the sides of the exposed ravine of red flesh; skin around the eyes pulling back, back.... I pray incessantly, I'm sorry God, I'm sorry for being me, sorry for being such a disappointment, I'm sorry. No please stop telling me You love me-lift up the fabric of my shorts, run my finger down the cuts fresh and years old- I mean, God, LOOK AT THIS!!!! God, I'm sorry.

I suppose my brain will calm down once i'm 90 pounds. I have a feeling i'm making cuts in my diet, inconspicuous cuts, instead of 3/4 a bowl of cereal, I take half, down black coffee to "satisfy" instead. Skip the eggs and bread for lunch, I take 2 slices of wholewheat bread and a carrot. I don't know anymore. The needle is stuck.

I need something, someone, to tie my brain to Earth.

I need to avoid the guy I like, he makes me nearly happy enough to eat normally, when the temporary mirage of happiness has evaporated, I count and the number makes me freak.

I need to exercise more, try the famed circuit.

I need to stop annoying God with my weird, useless prayers. I feel God clearly, and He's listening, loving. I'm wasting His time.

I need to eat, A LOT less. Today's calorie count is about 1500.

I need to find some other, more useful way to stop the train of frustration and anger and tears and anxiety rattling full speed ahead in my head other than cutting. More useful, like exercise, like starving.

Can't wait for the needle to POINT THE RIGHT WAY.

I'll have to knit more if I want my backpack faster, but I rarely do it cuz it's sedentary nature is slightly unattractive to me.

Spite

My family, sisters in particular, have been increasingly spiteful to me. And I can promise you that this is definitely not my imagination.

Just last night, my older sister and younger sister were standing at the sink. My older sis, not knowing I was just behind them, muttered to my other sis something about me, my younger sis said "...Sarah's just behind us you know". My older sis went "It's okay, Sarah already knows it herself anyway." I didn't hear, but it has got to be pretty bad, cuz she's still avoiding and ignoring me now.

Just now at lunch, there was very little vegetables, I took two scoops of vegetables, and my sister gave me a skeptical look, a VERY obvious one. After lunch my sis said loudly to my mom "Next time can you please cook more vegetables, we only had ONE scoop of vegetables each."

My older sister buys lots of snacks now. She'll come into the room, munching on a bag of crisps or something, and offer, very loudly, some crisps to my other two sisters, pointedly ignoring me. She's done this before, when we were kids. I know what will happen. If I ever dare to open my mouth to ask for some, they'll call me greedy. "Why are you always asking for food.....yeah but I didn't OFFER it to YOU, you're always so greedy, asking for food....sheesh" And if, like I did at 6 years old, I run to my parents telling on them, they'll "gang up" against me, calling me tell-tales, treat me like the greedy girl who cannot control her need for food. And once, when I was a kid, after such an incident, my sisters were sharing crisps, I didn't dare to ask for any, they came up to me and dumped 5-6 handfuls of crisps on the book I was reading.

If I DARE to cry about their spiteful behavior towards me, they'll walk past me, rolling their eyes at my figure crumpled up in some corner of the room, and converse loudly to one another about "What the hell..... if SARAH wants attention she might as well outrightly ask for it..." "Just because she needs so much food, seriously..."

I think they're doing this cuz i'm different. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. However, I WILL show them.

Oh yes, when I was a child, everyone in my family made sure I got it COMPLETELY SURE IN MY HEAD that I was "The chubby one" in my family.

"I don't want to share a seat with Sarah, she takes up too much space!"

"Oh, the shirt doesn't fit you? Then Sarah doesn't even need to try it."

(To friends) "Yes, that one's Sarah, yeah, the chubby one, yep, that one."

"You should be proud of your chubby, rosy cheeks, they make you look so HEALTHY!"

(Reminiscing about the past) "Yeah I know right, Sarah was always the biggest/chubbiest/fattest."

etc etc

At 15, surprise, surprise, I retreat so deep into myself, no one in the world can ever touch me, I start starving, I start cutting.

Yeah, people can prod and poke and aggravate. But they will never injure the most vulnerable, sensitive parts of me. Cuz they don't know where the most vulnerable and most sensitive parts are, or if they even exist at all.

I do wish, however, that I didn't exist at all.

elevenELEVENeleven

Yes, I HAVE to post on 11 11 11:)

My weight isn't really decreasing. However, my willpower is increasing. Today was not good, cuz my friends, a bunch of them who are starting to suspect something and are getting worried, invited me out. So I decided a small plate of pasta should put them off for a while. I mean if I eat a (what seems to me ) BIG plate of pasta, I can't be "starving myself" right. But they tried to persuade me to add cheddar cheese to it ( AS IF!!!!!) and they were all staring at me and waiting for my response and the only thing I can think of was "..... But cheese is so faaat!" and my friend was like "Sarah, it's just cheese". Luckily for me a few of them were "dieting" too (ie eat one HUGE entrée plus one salad drenched in dressing) so I managed to turn the convo to cheese and how some might be fattening etc. And when I didn't want to eat salad at all when it has dressing on it someone asked me "Why, are you a cow?" and I heard "Are you count?" So i'm like "count what?" And someone's like "count calories! Do you count calories! Hahaha". They have no idea. NO IDEA.

Yup, so lunch out with my friends was REALLY awkward. For me at least. At least I wasn't made to eat ice cream, like the last time. I know you might be thinking- I can just say no, it's MY choice etc. But once they THINK it, it's mega hard to get rid of suspicions.

Anyway, i've succeeded in my first knitting project. Well not totally. I made a pouch for my bible cuz my bible is quite battered and I felt like making something anyway, so yep, I haven't sewed up the sides yet and it's a tad too big, but i'm with the whole thing.

Happy eleven eleven eleven! How fun is that! I know it's childish but, whatever...

Gosh. I just want to be thin again. Less size of me to hate.

Never again

I have gained about one pound. And my face is definitely flabbier. Healthy dieting? Never again. Back to ana, back to being safe and secure in her arms. Starting NOW.

I swear.......... what the fuck was I thinking. And the first thing that girl is going to say the next time she sees me is how i've gotten chubbier. I hate myself so much right now.

Memories

I have to apologize- this post may sound a bit messy and confusing...

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me "What happened that made you so... like this" and with her hands she mimed building a wall around herself. She was referring to like, was there any particular event/ events in my childhood or like bullying etc?

It was then that I realized that about 90% of my childhood memories have been completely suppressed. I can remember my primary school clique members, one or two of our childish "rules", one or two games we played, I can remember my life from 13 year old onwards, I can remember a few primary school teachers and my strong and weak subjects.

But for the rest of my childhood below 13 years of age, I cannot remember a single thing about my family life, I cannot remember almost anyfuckingthingelse about my school life. I strain my brain, but come up with nada. I can only know what I did with my sisters from photo albums, but I cannot remember any of it. The ONLY "family" memory I can remember is of me at about 1 and a half year old- I was in my crib and bored so I climbed out and totted down the stairs to find the maid playing with my older sister behind the couch. The one and only. But I remember it as if i'm physically transported back in time and standing at the side watching myself.

I also remember watching myself many times, like at primary 4 (10 years old) walking up the stairs in school staring at the back of my teacher's calves. I remember this particular moment so clearly because in that moment it was as if I was not ME, but detached from me, as a separate entity hovering near the ceiling directly above my ten year old self, watching me watching my teacher's legs.

And yes, every single time I watch myself I can remember how I felt about myself. From the ages 1 plus, i've always thought I was uncoordinated, fat, short, stumpy, ugly, unattractive, chubby and plain weird. Now I try not to think about that at all, cuz I only think REPULSIVE.

I don't know why all my memories are so suppressed. I don't know, so I don't know why I have so many walls around myself, cuz I don't really have any proper memories to refer to. the only proper childhood memories I have are those moments I was watching myself, my fat, ugly5 year old self standing in front of the full- length mirror tugging at my frizzy ugly hair with my blue comb, sitting in front of the telly, my fat thighs fully exposed by my short shorts, etc. Watching from the right side, from above, from the right side, from the back/front. I'm never me in these memories. I'm a spectator of a series of short video clips and snapshots.

And a memory from secondary one (13 years old):

My form teacher, in the quest of positivity and encouragement and confidence, made each person stand up by turn and people in the class can say out positive/likable characteristics about that person. When it came to my turn, I stood up. There was silence for 10 long embarrassing seconds. My teacher said "Come on girls, i'm sure you can come up with something."

5 seconds, ...................then a girl said "...nice?"

Solid fucking proof i'm not the only one who agrees there is absolutely nothing to like about me. A WHOLE CLASS FULL OF GIRLS AGREE. SO THERE, PEOPLE WHO TRY TO CORRECT WHAT I SAY ABOUT MYSELF.

I was forced to camwhore today. My repulsive face....

God. I hate myself so insanely much. So, so insanely much. I feel like a burden upon everyone. If I wasn't here, my family wouldn't have to deal with this "emo", cutting, starving, insecure teenage daughter. They wouldn't have to deal with having to walk on eggshells around me lest anything they say thickens the wall around me. Wouldn't have me throwing away all their food bought with hard-earned money.

If I wasn't here, my friends wouldn't have to bother themselves constantly being on guard about what they say, in view of my terrifyingly insecure and unstable nature. They wouldn't have to waste time persuading and cajoling me to put my repulsive face in the shot and their camwhoring session would have been fucking funner time ten.

If I wasn't here, my teachers wouldn't have to waste time on me cuz i'm so fucking stupid, they wouldn't have to keep a watch on me (for those who somehow found out, possibly through big-mouthed classmates of mine) for scars and unnatural behavior.

Everyone on Earth would be so much better off without me, this insecure, needy great big (FAT) wet blanket on every aspect of people's lives I manage to taint with my presence.

I am so sorry world, maybe if I am brave enough, i'll do you a favor and remove myself forever.

I'm sorry world, for being me.

Anyway, the girl who keeps calling me chubby- she is really thin and pretty and well-liked, without any effort. So I suppose she is one of those beauties who take it upon themselves to make labels for others like how she keeps insisting i'm "chubby" and asking others to agree and constantly reminding me. Once again in my life, I am "The chubby one".

If only I had the courage to take the sharpest knife from the kitchen, stand in front of the mirror and slash my disgusting face up.

I've taken up knitting and am currently attempting to knit myself a backpack. I'm making loads of mistakes. But whatever.

This "diet" is working. I stuff my face with protein, even slightly oily protein, avoid foods whose labels have high "of which sugars" and yup, in the mirror, i've lost weight. But on such an unsafe diet, it might be a month of "dieting" before I dare to weigh myself.

Healthy is working!

I've been eating "healthily" for the past couple of days., though i'm not too sure if it's REALLY "healthy". I've stopped counting calories, but it seems like i'm actually eating quite little and i've almost completely cut out sugar-filled carbs. Also, my main food is vegetables like raw celery and stuff but, anyways, it's working. I've coupled this new diet thing with workouts and my "CHUBBY" face is flattening out and so are my abs. I'm really quite scared not counting calories and eating what seems to me like always too much and I some how always waking up starved and go to bed relatively hungry. I don't know how to eat healthily. I really don't know. I strongly prefer starving. Really. But as long as it's working ( in the mirror), i'll stick to it. Another thing- I REALLY DON'T DARE TO WEIGH MYSELF. If i've gained.... I don;t think i'll be able to stop myself from going straight back to like 500 calories a day or something. :S

I haven't been doing any cardio at all for the past few days cuz of a bad flu. :( I can't wait to get well. I can barely resist the scales. Doing cardio will definitely make me feel much safer and more willing to stay away from it.

Gosh, healthy works, but I don't quite trust it. Nor do I really know how it works. Like, when I eat, is it because I need to or want to? And is it ok to want to? I mean, isn't that pure greed?! Or HUNGER. Healthy Eating says "Eat till 80% full". What is 80% full? To be honest, on bad days, even 50% makes me feel so absolutely disgusted with myself. And are you sure about the 1200/1350 calories a day thing? I mean yeah, you say pair it with exercise 3-5 times a week... but the calories seem WAY too much to me and the exercise seems too little to me. I'm used to running hundreds of laps up and down the living room non-stop at the crack of dawn everyday. And I don't really fancy thin/slim/toned/lean.... what i've always wanted has been emanciated.

Snacks are the worst. Healthy Eating actually says it's ok to eat a bowl of cereal for a snack! What about the calories?! Isn't that fattening carbs?!

Fuck, this shit is TERRIFYING.

Dilemma

I feel like going the healthy way, y'know, for like, once. But it's absolutely scary. Like, to "healthy eaters", low fat milk and cheese is actually okay. So are other stuff like low fat cheese, lots and lots of nuts.... I mean, REALLY?! Cheese is scary. Unless it's cottage. And I can't even remember the last time I let a single drop of milk into my body.

I calculated on losertown, if I eat 1300 calories a day, and exercise 3-5 times a week, by December 30, i'll be around 92 plus lbs.

I don't know.

This video is crazy awesome, why didn't I think of it before?!

The skinniest and nothing else

The same girl I mentioned before, the one who called me "chubby". She said it in a complimentary manner, like cuz if i'm right, many people consider chubby cute or I don't really know what. Whatever it means, all I hear was the word "fat". I am officially giving up fast food and fried food or foods with oil in them.

By the start of next year, I WILL by 5 kilos skinnier. Oh yes. To the girl who called me chubby, next year I WILL be the skinniest girl in class.

From now on I'm only allowed to eat:

Black coffee

Tea

Whole grain foods

Greens

Fruits

Low calories cereals

Low calorie yogurt

I don't care. I will lose 5 kilos by next year, and i'll do whatever it takes to get there.

FINALLY! A sunny day!

It's been raining ALL week! Today it's FINALLY sunny.... though I bet it's just for a while cuz it's the stupid rainy season.. but i'll enjoy the sun today while it lasts! By SKATEBOARDING:D!

Today was a bad day :/ I had macs and an ice cream. Though I told them to hold the mayo and I chose coke lite plus left the fries... but yeah/ Fast food. =(

I really like this : If you REALLY want it, there would be NO EXCUSES, there would be only solutions.

One of my FAVORITE VIDEOS!

correction: I'm starting to log off and it's started to rain.

SHEEEEEESH!!!!!!!!!!!