I want you back, where are you?

"She fears her own shape - it becomes, like a monstrous creation, the seat of all discomfort, pain and anxiety, while the idea of an alternative, thinner shape provides comfort, stability and reassurance"

When I was thin, everything was sharp, clear, focused. I knew exactly where I was going, what my worth was. I was clear and focused; driven, sharp, intelligent. Now I'm fat, unfocused, lazy, unmotivated, greedy, needy, clingy, round, my body is turing into something I have absolutely no patience for. I lie in bed at night, crazy prayers, words screaming at top speed through my head. Feeling the gravity of my "womanly roundness" sining into the mattress. I eat. I cannot stand my body. I want ana back.

Last year was another life. Friends I know will always be there when I turn around, the body becoming increasingly acceptable in the mirror, good grades, 6,7,8 hours of studying a day, top grades. Now? Eating, trying to restrain, failing, eating some more. I see curves in the mirror, the softness of the chin as I move my fingers across the skin. The soft, womanly thighs curving, resting against each other. I think, I want to look like Twiggy, or Karen Carpenter, look like I did last year, at 85 lbs. Now? About a hundred, having difficulty sitting down and studying for more than 3 hours.

Anorexia.

I want anorexia back. From now on i'm gonna do all I can to be "sick" again.

I hate this life, I hate this body.

Sickness is HEAVEN compared to this, twisted as it sounds.