Memories

I have to apologize- this post may sound a bit messy and confusing...

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me "What happened that made you so... like this" and with her hands she mimed building a wall around herself. She was referring to like, was there any particular event/ events in my childhood or like bullying etc?

It was then that I realized that about 90% of my childhood memories have been completely suppressed. I can remember my primary school clique members, one or two of our childish "rules", one or two games we played, I can remember my life from 13 year old onwards, I can remember a few primary school teachers and my strong and weak subjects.

But for the rest of my childhood below 13 years of age, I cannot remember a single thing about my family life, I cannot remember almost anyfuckingthingelse about my school life. I strain my brain, but come up with nada. I can only know what I did with my sisters from photo albums, but I cannot remember any of it. The ONLY "family" memory I can remember is of me at about 1 and a half year old- I was in my crib and bored so I climbed out and totted down the stairs to find the maid playing with my older sister behind the couch. The one and only. But I remember it as if i'm physically transported back in time and standing at the side watching myself.

I also remember watching myself many times, like at primary 4 (10 years old) walking up the stairs in school staring at the back of my teacher's calves. I remember this particular moment so clearly because in that moment it was as if I was not ME, but detached from me, as a separate entity hovering near the ceiling directly above my ten year old self, watching me watching my teacher's legs.

And yes, every single time I watch myself I can remember how I felt about myself. From the ages 1 plus, i've always thought I was uncoordinated, fat, short, stumpy, ugly, unattractive, chubby and plain weird. Now I try not to think about that at all, cuz I only think REPULSIVE.

I don't know why all my memories are so suppressed. I don't know, so I don't know why I have so many walls around myself, cuz I don't really have any proper memories to refer to. the only proper childhood memories I have are those moments I was watching myself, my fat, ugly5 year old self standing in front of the full- length mirror tugging at my frizzy ugly hair with my blue comb, sitting in front of the telly, my fat thighs fully exposed by my short shorts, etc. Watching from the right side, from above, from the right side, from the back/front. I'm never me in these memories. I'm a spectator of a series of short video clips and snapshots.

And a memory from secondary one (13 years old):

My form teacher, in the quest of positivity and encouragement and confidence, made each person stand up by turn and people in the class can say out positive/likable characteristics about that person. When it came to my turn, I stood up. There was silence for 10 long embarrassing seconds. My teacher said "Come on girls, i'm sure you can come up with something."

5 seconds, ...................then a girl said "...nice?"

Solid fucking proof i'm not the only one who agrees there is absolutely nothing to like about me. A WHOLE CLASS FULL OF GIRLS AGREE. SO THERE, PEOPLE WHO TRY TO CORRECT WHAT I SAY ABOUT MYSELF.

I was forced to camwhore today. My repulsive face....

God. I hate myself so insanely much. So, so insanely much. I feel like a burden upon everyone. If I wasn't here, my family wouldn't have to deal with this "emo", cutting, starving, insecure teenage daughter. They wouldn't have to deal with having to walk on eggshells around me lest anything they say thickens the wall around me. Wouldn't have me throwing away all their food bought with hard-earned money.

If I wasn't here, my friends wouldn't have to bother themselves constantly being on guard about what they say, in view of my terrifyingly insecure and unstable nature. They wouldn't have to waste time persuading and cajoling me to put my repulsive face in the shot and their camwhoring session would have been fucking funner time ten.

If I wasn't here, my teachers wouldn't have to waste time on me cuz i'm so fucking stupid, they wouldn't have to keep a watch on me (for those who somehow found out, possibly through big-mouthed classmates of mine) for scars and unnatural behavior.

Everyone on Earth would be so much better off without me, this insecure, needy great big (FAT) wet blanket on every aspect of people's lives I manage to taint with my presence.

I am so sorry world, maybe if I am brave enough, i'll do you a favor and remove myself forever.

I'm sorry world, for being me.

Anyway, the girl who keeps calling me chubby- she is really thin and pretty and well-liked, without any effort. So I suppose she is one of those beauties who take it upon themselves to make labels for others like how she keeps insisting i'm "chubby" and asking others to agree and constantly reminding me. Once again in my life, I am "The chubby one".

If only I had the courage to take the sharpest knife from the kitchen, stand in front of the mirror and slash my disgusting face up.

I've taken up knitting and am currently attempting to knit myself a backpack. I'm making loads of mistakes. But whatever.

This "diet" is working. I stuff my face with protein, even slightly oily protein, avoid foods whose labels have high "of which sugars" and yup, in the mirror, i've lost weight. But on such an unsafe diet, it might be a month of "dieting" before I dare to weigh myself.