Just last night, my older sister and younger sister were standing at the sink. My older sis, not knowing I was just behind them, muttered to my other sis something about me, my younger sis said "...Sarah's just behind us you know". My older sis went "It's okay, Sarah already knows it herself anyway." I didn't hear, but it has got to be pretty bad, cuz she's still avoiding and ignoring me now.
Just now at lunch, there was very little vegetables, I took two scoops of vegetables, and my sister gave me a skeptical look, a VERY obvious one. After lunch my sis said loudly to my mom "Next time can you please cook more vegetables, we only had ONE scoop of vegetables each."
My older sister buys lots of snacks now. She'll come into the room, munching on a bag of crisps or something, and offer, very loudly, some crisps to my other two sisters, pointedly ignoring me. She's done this before, when we were kids. I know what will happen. If I ever dare to open my mouth to ask for some, they'll call me greedy. "Why are you always asking for food.....yeah but I didn't OFFER it to YOU, you're always so greedy, asking for food....sheesh" And if, like I did at 6 years old, I run to my parents telling on them, they'll "gang up" against me, calling me tell-tales, treat me like the greedy girl who cannot control her need for food. And once, when I was a kid, after such an incident, my sisters were sharing crisps, I didn't dare to ask for any, they came up to me and dumped 5-6 handfuls of crisps on the book I was reading.
If I DARE to cry about their spiteful behavior towards me, they'll walk past me, rolling their eyes at my figure crumpled up in some corner of the room, and converse loudly to one another about "What the hell..... if SARAH wants attention she might as well outrightly ask for it..." "Just because she needs so much food, seriously..."
I think they're doing this cuz i'm different. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. However, I WILL show them.
Oh yes, when I was a child, everyone in my family made sure I got it COMPLETELY SURE IN MY HEAD that I was "The chubby one" in my family.
"I don't want to share a seat with Sarah, she takes up too much space!"
"Oh, the shirt doesn't fit you? Then Sarah doesn't even need to try it."
(To friends) "Yes, that one's Sarah, yeah, the chubby one, yep, that one."
"You should be proud of your chubby, rosy cheeks, they make you look so HEALTHY!"
(Reminiscing about the past) "Yeah I know right, Sarah was always the biggest/chubbiest/fattest."
etc etc
At 15, surprise, surprise, I retreat so deep into myself, no one in the world can ever touch me, I start starving, I start cutting.
Yeah, people can prod and poke and aggravate. But they will never injure the most vulnerable, sensitive parts of me. Cuz they don't know where the most vulnerable and most sensitive parts are, or if they even exist at all.
I do wish, however, that I didn't exist at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment