Feel better

I feel much better now, maybe it's because I have only one piece of homework left which honestly I don;t feel like doing. And my heart is getting better, if it makes sense.

Replies:

Sophie: Man, yup, I think it's just a word search with words splashed all across, I don't take much stock in the describing you part, as I said. Whatever it is, I DISAGREE WITH THE HORRIBLE 2 WORDS.

Rio: Aw, girl you made me :') Thank you and GOOD LUCK with the workouts! They're kick-ass!

So i've been knitting a lot.. gloves look so pretty:)

Praise be to Jesus.

I don't know what to say

So, the last time I did this- two days ago, I got Fool, Love and Broken

Today- Beautiful, Lovely and Funny. I feel like crying. I believed this thing two days ago so easily, so why is it so hard to believe it today?

CRAZY ASS WORKOUTS!

So (except for the diet part as usual), i'm seriously following Michelle Bridges' "Losing the Last 5 Kilos" workouts. And man, they are CRAZY ASS AWESOME! Kay, so I only started reading the book on Tuesday so I started Monday's workout plan on Tuesday.

Monday: Either Body Attack, Spin, Boxing, Cardio Circuit, Dance Class OR

Two laps or 400m oval or 800m treadmill or 4min park rum

16x: -jumping jacks

-tricep dips off a bench

-mountain climbers

-fast low-step running right leg

-push-ups (knees or toes)

-fast low-step running left leg

HERO MOMENT: one sprint 4oom oval or full length round park (time yourself)

ABS: 16 reps of each, whole set 3 times through: -crunches

-twisting crunch to right

-twisting crunch to left

Tuesday: Either Pump strength/weight-based class OR

16x: -dumbbell fitness squats + dumbbell rows (16 right arm 16 left) 3TIMES

- alternating dumbbell backward lunge + dumbbell chest press 3TIMES

- step ups with dumbbells (16 right arm 16 left) + one-arm squat press 3TIMES

HERO MOMENT: 5min run on treadmill- increasing with each minute

ABS: 16 reps of each, whole set 3 times through: - lower body twist

- single leg extension

- plank on elbow (30sec to 1 min)

Both days start with a 5 min jog warm up, which I didn't do cuz i'm having my periods and I hate running when I am, and end with a full-body stretch. Yup. INTENSE, but, force yourself to do it and when you're DONE, it's a major WOW I DID IT! moment! Her website : https://www.michellebridges.com.au/ REALLY PRO:)

Anyway, i've finished my beanie and it's SLIGHTLY wonky. But, really pretty. So, I was finishing it by the poolside and my bulimic sister was swimming and I have to say, SHE LOKKS FREAKING ASS THIN... and my parents are completely clueless-.- It's nice to know i'm craving such a body less and less but also scary so thanks to diet books I know i'm under control still.

Watching The Biggest Loser AUSTRALIA now haha

Feel so good after the work-outs!!!

Reply:

Rio: Thanks for the recommendations, next time I buy tea i'll look out for them! My favorite's green tea- not for the taste but cuz I can literally feel it pumping up my metabolism- after drinking 2 cups, 20 mins later and i'm sweating!!

Can't wait till my BMI's below 20!!!! (and yes, I STILL want 16.4 :(( )

I feel so fat

Is this what "healthy" feels like? I see what I eat- in most people's standards I can tell it's freaking healthy. In fact some consider a BMI of below 20 to be underweight and mine's 20.9. I have to admit, despite all the healthy mindset i'm adopting and shit, I still crave a perfect BMI of 16.4. Can't deny it. Sounds lovely. But to be more realistic, I think for now my goal BMI shall be 19.5. I'll see what comes next after achieving it. I personally think "underweight" means 17.5, really.

Anyways. I also borrowed the book "Losing the Last 5 Kilos by Michelle Bridges, and man, her workout plan is intense. It always sucks whenever I read such books cuz I still live with my parents and I don't get to buy my own food and I can't follow the diet part of the plan AND my family is what I personally consider FREAKING ASS UNHEALTHY.

There's this mini section in the book called "Ten exercises for mind fitness" and I think it's really... I don't know, like how she's all about, it's not about willpower, it's about just making yourself do it. K, so it's:

-Instead of coming home from work and sitting on your butt, pick yourself up, put on your runners and get out the door

-If you drink coffee, go a whole week without sugar and make it skim milk; plus if you usually have two or three coffees a day, knock it down to one and savor it!

-Walk, run or cycle all or part of the way to work twice a week

-Take the stairs every chance you get for one week. If you don;t know where they are, find them, even if they're the fire stairs

-Next weekend, offer to do the gardening for someone you care about (wife, husband, friend etc)

-Choose to drink water rather than alcohol at a weekend social event

-Pick one chore that has been hanging over your head for months and do it

-Go for one week without any chocolate

-Hold your tongue when you catch yourself about to pass judgement on someone or something

-Choose two nights a week when you don't watch any tv and you go for a walk instead

They're supposed to see if you're ready for her intense ass workout thing but really, I think they're good for anyone who needs a boost about not procrastinating or just doing stuff they need to do.

I'm going to the gym later and I think I need to pump up my bike wheels soon:) So I can go cycling.

Bad news. My family's trying to persuade me to swim. I was hoping they'd forget I like swimming. Period or no, I CAN'T swim cuz people will see my cuts. FML.

Flat tummy!

Borrowed "Flat Tummy Club Diet" by Kate Adams. It's what i'm following now. It suggests lots of herbal tea, which i'm doing. Tried peppermint tea for the first time today. The taste is a little... different? But it's HELLA refreshing! Like, I was like, WOW. I really like it. Even though it diffuses through the drink really thickly, it still has this lightness about it. Yup. It recommends oatmeal porridge too, I think that's a really good suggestion cuz it makes me like, really full and the carbohydrate content is pretty low.... less than 20g if i;'m correct. And by the way, i've since learnt that semi-sweet dark chocolate which would be really bitter alone somehow tastes much sweeter when eaten with peppermint tea!

It's 1Pm. I had my lunch- 10 small sushis at 12, and I kinda really regret it. I still have a pretty strong aversion towards white carbs. The book also recommends a squeeze of lemon juice in hot water upon waking so I think i'll try that tomorrow.

Going jogging at 3, aiming for at least 15 minutes. Today's the start of my church's youth camp. I only REALLY SERIOUSLY regretted not going for it, only yesterday. But, well. I will go next year !

Okay, so here's my plan for this week:

Jogging/ Cycling/ Brisk walking for at least 30 minutes everyday.

Oatmeal/ Granola with yogurt for breakfast.

Small lunches (Cut back on carbs!)

Lots of tea

No coffee

Enough sleep

Study more!

Finish my homework!

Finish knitting my beanie

More veg and healthy protein for dinner

DON'T OVEREAT

Cleanse

Like FINALLY! A day I have the house all to myself! - Such total privacy is hard when you live with your grandmother, 3 sisters and parents.

I have been eating normally for a while. I'm starting to realize that starvation is not THAT good:( But the thing is, I really don't know HOW to eat normally, and i've put on 3 KGs, maybe i'll go to the library later for some diet plan, I don't know.

I need to learn how to deal.

BUT.

Taking this opportunity to eat a lot less today, a lot less than the previous days, that is. MAX 1400 calories.

After eating my lunch later, it'll be 700 calories. yup.

Like a mini cleanse from calories. I wanna be thin. No not really, I just wanna be truly comfortable in my own skin, and I don;t know how to do that. Just need to lose that 3 KGS first!

My tumblr looks much better now!

http://empty-nothingness.tumblr.com/

King Richard III

Woo hoo! Went to watch King Richard III yesterday, and it was AWESOMEEEEE:D

I thought the way both the director and the actors interpreted it was really cool, really awesome and I was seriously anticipating the part when Richmond came in.

This year is pretty awesome in this way- my third shakespeare play this year:)

I FINALLY managed to get out of lunch yesterday, and watched the play dizzy, empty and high. What an amazing feeling, i've missed it.

I can't wait to be skinny. Hollow cheeks, stick arms.

I want you back, where are you?

"She fears her own shape - it becomes, like a monstrous creation, the seat of all discomfort, pain and anxiety, while the idea of an alternative, thinner shape provides comfort, stability and reassurance"

When I was thin, everything was sharp, clear, focused. I knew exactly where I was going, what my worth was. I was clear and focused; driven, sharp, intelligent. Now I'm fat, unfocused, lazy, unmotivated, greedy, needy, clingy, round, my body is turing into something I have absolutely no patience for. I lie in bed at night, crazy prayers, words screaming at top speed through my head. Feeling the gravity of my "womanly roundness" sining into the mattress. I eat. I cannot stand my body. I want ana back.

Last year was another life. Friends I know will always be there when I turn around, the body becoming increasingly acceptable in the mirror, good grades, 6,7,8 hours of studying a day, top grades. Now? Eating, trying to restrain, failing, eating some more. I see curves in the mirror, the softness of the chin as I move my fingers across the skin. The soft, womanly thighs curving, resting against each other. I think, I want to look like Twiggy, or Karen Carpenter, look like I did last year, at 85 lbs. Now? About a hundred, having difficulty sitting down and studying for more than 3 hours.

Anorexia.

I want anorexia back. From now on i'm gonna do all I can to be "sick" again.

I hate this life, I hate this body.

Sickness is HEAVEN compared to this, twisted as it sounds.

MY GOAL!

What do I call this?

PERFECT

MY GOAL

ATTAINABLE

BEAUTY

To my body

To my body:

You disgusting, repulsive, fat, uncontrollable needy, wobbly, excessive, greedy, UGLY, rebellious THING.

Why won't you listen?

It's incredibly frustrating, dealing with you. You have never had the tendency to fatness, I have never been overweight, getting you to actually be FAT would require me to overeat excessively. Yep, you stay at a healthy weight with no effort at all, "slacking" on my diet will not bring you into fatness, maybe you'll put on 5 pounds at most, but, no, not fat.

But don't you get it? I don't want healthy. I want thin- no NOT the thin my friends call you. Remove the "healthy" rosiness, chubbiness of your cheeks, carve away the NORMAL curve of thigh, arm, belly, calves.

Stop it. STOP RIGHT THERE. Stop turning into a woman. I can tell what you're doing, rollicking carelessly towards womanhood. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BECOME A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen to me, cooperate for ONCE for fuckssakes! I do not want normal healthiness! I want emaciation.

I am fucking sick to hell of you and your normalcy. Yes, you heard right, I want you to be a freak of nature, agree with the mind for once. Remember the mind reading the science encyclopedia, the section called reproduction in humans, the part about puberty and its effects at 8 years old? Remember what I said- out loud? "Oh no. I do not want this, I do not want any of this."

Please, cooperate.

It is both unfortunate and fortunate you are mine.

Unfortunate, because I have to deal with your curves and cycles, something I have NEVER EVERRRRR wanted. I have to deal with repressing all your ridiculous, impertinent demands, the chubby , FUCKING CHUBBY CHEEKS! The grippable thighs. The round, WOMANLY arms, I don't want WOMAN!

Fortunate because, as you are mine, it is completely within my power to bind you up, gag you, fling you bodily around like a rag doll. String you up like a puppet, I am the puppeteer of you.

I hate you, hate you so much I try not to think about the crazy hatred. It's strong enough to make me nauseous.

I'm just a step away from slashing you up, completely.

I don't care, I'm gonna carve you up, turn you into the very picture of perfection. Think Karen Carpenter, Twiggy. Gosh. Twiggy. Yes. Lose 20pounds, cut your hair.

Body, I hate you. FUCK you. sheesh.

432.5

I had a 432.5 calorie binge today.

Halfway through the binge, I felt SICK of eating, I didn't feel like eating any food at all. I wasn't even full, but wasn't craving anything. Might have been because I started eating CHEESE for some weird reason and cheese, except cottage is NUMBER ONE BAN! and my instincts were repulsed.

Guess i'm no longer stupidly, needfully addicted to food; this diet's gonna be so good. I just don't want to overeat.

I haven't lost more than three quarters of a pound. Yet my friends have started buying food for me and guilt tripping me to eat; yet I wake up nearly nightly with my calf muscles in searing knots. Yet in the mirror my ribcage becomes more visible each time. I don't know what is happening. Yet, my calves barely touch anymore. Everything is showing, the needle isn't moving. My body is fucking rebelling, like the fucking piece of shit it is. I HATE it, the crazy uncontrollable hatred impossible to restrain; no longer a mad dog on a leash, but a vast universe, like the blanket of outer space expanding infinitely, wrapping around me. This self hatred bubbling below the surface since I was 4, 3 years old, finally taking a life of its own. It's mine, yet it's its own. I don't know what to think. Is it my arrogant body? Is it because it was always meant to be like that from day one, yet, me, scared of it's sheer virulence, unconsciously tried my best to reign it in; the scorching wire cords burning deeper and deeper into my skin over the years. Burnt by it's ferocity, I let go of the reigns, the outward explosion of my self hatred. I think I have stopped fighting it, sitting back now, letting it control me. I don't care anymore.

I am becoming out of control. In this year, my (craziness) anxiety levels have elevated tremendously, scared of the motion sensor which announces my presence loudly and silently with the tiny red light, reminding everyone of my very much unwanted physical corporeality on space. I avoid it's sweep across the living room as best as I can, on my silent morning laps up and down the living room. I close my eyes and see strange, terrifying visions- a large split in the skin, barnacles growing on the sides of the exposed ravine of red flesh; skin around the eyes pulling back, back.... I pray incessantly, I'm sorry God, I'm sorry for being me, sorry for being such a disappointment, I'm sorry. No please stop telling me You love me-lift up the fabric of my shorts, run my finger down the cuts fresh and years old- I mean, God, LOOK AT THIS!!!! God, I'm sorry.

I suppose my brain will calm down once i'm 90 pounds. I have a feeling i'm making cuts in my diet, inconspicuous cuts, instead of 3/4 a bowl of cereal, I take half, down black coffee to "satisfy" instead. Skip the eggs and bread for lunch, I take 2 slices of wholewheat bread and a carrot. I don't know anymore. The needle is stuck.

I need something, someone, to tie my brain to Earth.

I need to avoid the guy I like, he makes me nearly happy enough to eat normally, when the temporary mirage of happiness has evaporated, I count and the number makes me freak.

I need to exercise more, try the famed circuit.

I need to stop annoying God with my weird, useless prayers. I feel God clearly, and He's listening, loving. I'm wasting His time.

I need to eat, A LOT less. Today's calorie count is about 1500.

I need to find some other, more useful way to stop the train of frustration and anger and tears and anxiety rattling full speed ahead in my head other than cutting. More useful, like exercise, like starving.

Can't wait for the needle to POINT THE RIGHT WAY.

I'll have to knit more if I want my backpack faster, but I rarely do it cuz it's sedentary nature is slightly unattractive to me.

Spite

My family, sisters in particular, have been increasingly spiteful to me. And I can promise you that this is definitely not my imagination.

Just last night, my older sister and younger sister were standing at the sink. My older sis, not knowing I was just behind them, muttered to my other sis something about me, my younger sis said "...Sarah's just behind us you know". My older sis went "It's okay, Sarah already knows it herself anyway." I didn't hear, but it has got to be pretty bad, cuz she's still avoiding and ignoring me now.

Just now at lunch, there was very little vegetables, I took two scoops of vegetables, and my sister gave me a skeptical look, a VERY obvious one. After lunch my sis said loudly to my mom "Next time can you please cook more vegetables, we only had ONE scoop of vegetables each."

My older sister buys lots of snacks now. She'll come into the room, munching on a bag of crisps or something, and offer, very loudly, some crisps to my other two sisters, pointedly ignoring me. She's done this before, when we were kids. I know what will happen. If I ever dare to open my mouth to ask for some, they'll call me greedy. "Why are you always asking for food.....yeah but I didn't OFFER it to YOU, you're always so greedy, asking for food....sheesh" And if, like I did at 6 years old, I run to my parents telling on them, they'll "gang up" against me, calling me tell-tales, treat me like the greedy girl who cannot control her need for food. And once, when I was a kid, after such an incident, my sisters were sharing crisps, I didn't dare to ask for any, they came up to me and dumped 5-6 handfuls of crisps on the book I was reading.

If I DARE to cry about their spiteful behavior towards me, they'll walk past me, rolling their eyes at my figure crumpled up in some corner of the room, and converse loudly to one another about "What the hell..... if SARAH wants attention she might as well outrightly ask for it..." "Just because she needs so much food, seriously..."

I think they're doing this cuz i'm different. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. However, I WILL show them.

Oh yes, when I was a child, everyone in my family made sure I got it COMPLETELY SURE IN MY HEAD that I was "The chubby one" in my family.

"I don't want to share a seat with Sarah, she takes up too much space!"

"Oh, the shirt doesn't fit you? Then Sarah doesn't even need to try it."

(To friends) "Yes, that one's Sarah, yeah, the chubby one, yep, that one."

"You should be proud of your chubby, rosy cheeks, they make you look so HEALTHY!"

(Reminiscing about the past) "Yeah I know right, Sarah was always the biggest/chubbiest/fattest."

etc etc

At 15, surprise, surprise, I retreat so deep into myself, no one in the world can ever touch me, I start starving, I start cutting.

Yeah, people can prod and poke and aggravate. But they will never injure the most vulnerable, sensitive parts of me. Cuz they don't know where the most vulnerable and most sensitive parts are, or if they even exist at all.

I do wish, however, that I didn't exist at all.

elevenELEVENeleven

Yes, I HAVE to post on 11 11 11:)

My weight isn't really decreasing. However, my willpower is increasing. Today was not good, cuz my friends, a bunch of them who are starting to suspect something and are getting worried, invited me out. So I decided a small plate of pasta should put them off for a while. I mean if I eat a (what seems to me ) BIG plate of pasta, I can't be "starving myself" right. But they tried to persuade me to add cheddar cheese to it ( AS IF!!!!!) and they were all staring at me and waiting for my response and the only thing I can think of was "..... But cheese is so faaat!" and my friend was like "Sarah, it's just cheese". Luckily for me a few of them were "dieting" too (ie eat one HUGE entrée plus one salad drenched in dressing) so I managed to turn the convo to cheese and how some might be fattening etc. And when I didn't want to eat salad at all when it has dressing on it someone asked me "Why, are you a cow?" and I heard "Are you count?" So i'm like "count what?" And someone's like "count calories! Do you count calories! Hahaha". They have no idea. NO IDEA.

Yup, so lunch out with my friends was REALLY awkward. For me at least. At least I wasn't made to eat ice cream, like the last time. I know you might be thinking- I can just say no, it's MY choice etc. But once they THINK it, it's mega hard to get rid of suspicions.

Anyway, i've succeeded in my first knitting project. Well not totally. I made a pouch for my bible cuz my bible is quite battered and I felt like making something anyway, so yep, I haven't sewed up the sides yet and it's a tad too big, but i'm with the whole thing.

Happy eleven eleven eleven! How fun is that! I know it's childish but, whatever...

Gosh. I just want to be thin again. Less size of me to hate.

Never again

I have gained about one pound. And my face is definitely flabbier. Healthy dieting? Never again. Back to ana, back to being safe and secure in her arms. Starting NOW.

I swear.......... what the fuck was I thinking. And the first thing that girl is going to say the next time she sees me is how i've gotten chubbier. I hate myself so much right now.

Memories

I have to apologize- this post may sound a bit messy and confusing...

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me "What happened that made you so... like this" and with her hands she mimed building a wall around herself. She was referring to like, was there any particular event/ events in my childhood or like bullying etc?

It was then that I realized that about 90% of my childhood memories have been completely suppressed. I can remember my primary school clique members, one or two of our childish "rules", one or two games we played, I can remember my life from 13 year old onwards, I can remember a few primary school teachers and my strong and weak subjects.

But for the rest of my childhood below 13 years of age, I cannot remember a single thing about my family life, I cannot remember almost anyfuckingthingelse about my school life. I strain my brain, but come up with nada. I can only know what I did with my sisters from photo albums, but I cannot remember any of it. The ONLY "family" memory I can remember is of me at about 1 and a half year old- I was in my crib and bored so I climbed out and totted down the stairs to find the maid playing with my older sister behind the couch. The one and only. But I remember it as if i'm physically transported back in time and standing at the side watching myself.

I also remember watching myself many times, like at primary 4 (10 years old) walking up the stairs in school staring at the back of my teacher's calves. I remember this particular moment so clearly because in that moment it was as if I was not ME, but detached from me, as a separate entity hovering near the ceiling directly above my ten year old self, watching me watching my teacher's legs.

And yes, every single time I watch myself I can remember how I felt about myself. From the ages 1 plus, i've always thought I was uncoordinated, fat, short, stumpy, ugly, unattractive, chubby and plain weird. Now I try not to think about that at all, cuz I only think REPULSIVE.

I don't know why all my memories are so suppressed. I don't know, so I don't know why I have so many walls around myself, cuz I don't really have any proper memories to refer to. the only proper childhood memories I have are those moments I was watching myself, my fat, ugly5 year old self standing in front of the full- length mirror tugging at my frizzy ugly hair with my blue comb, sitting in front of the telly, my fat thighs fully exposed by my short shorts, etc. Watching from the right side, from above, from the right side, from the back/front. I'm never me in these memories. I'm a spectator of a series of short video clips and snapshots.

And a memory from secondary one (13 years old):

My form teacher, in the quest of positivity and encouragement and confidence, made each person stand up by turn and people in the class can say out positive/likable characteristics about that person. When it came to my turn, I stood up. There was silence for 10 long embarrassing seconds. My teacher said "Come on girls, i'm sure you can come up with something."

5 seconds, ...................then a girl said "...nice?"

Solid fucking proof i'm not the only one who agrees there is absolutely nothing to like about me. A WHOLE CLASS FULL OF GIRLS AGREE. SO THERE, PEOPLE WHO TRY TO CORRECT WHAT I SAY ABOUT MYSELF.

I was forced to camwhore today. My repulsive face....

God. I hate myself so insanely much. So, so insanely much. I feel like a burden upon everyone. If I wasn't here, my family wouldn't have to deal with this "emo", cutting, starving, insecure teenage daughter. They wouldn't have to deal with having to walk on eggshells around me lest anything they say thickens the wall around me. Wouldn't have me throwing away all their food bought with hard-earned money.

If I wasn't here, my friends wouldn't have to bother themselves constantly being on guard about what they say, in view of my terrifyingly insecure and unstable nature. They wouldn't have to waste time persuading and cajoling me to put my repulsive face in the shot and their camwhoring session would have been fucking funner time ten.

If I wasn't here, my teachers wouldn't have to waste time on me cuz i'm so fucking stupid, they wouldn't have to keep a watch on me (for those who somehow found out, possibly through big-mouthed classmates of mine) for scars and unnatural behavior.

Everyone on Earth would be so much better off without me, this insecure, needy great big (FAT) wet blanket on every aspect of people's lives I manage to taint with my presence.

I am so sorry world, maybe if I am brave enough, i'll do you a favor and remove myself forever.

I'm sorry world, for being me.

Anyway, the girl who keeps calling me chubby- she is really thin and pretty and well-liked, without any effort. So I suppose she is one of those beauties who take it upon themselves to make labels for others like how she keeps insisting i'm "chubby" and asking others to agree and constantly reminding me. Once again in my life, I am "The chubby one".

If only I had the courage to take the sharpest knife from the kitchen, stand in front of the mirror and slash my disgusting face up.

I've taken up knitting and am currently attempting to knit myself a backpack. I'm making loads of mistakes. But whatever.

This "diet" is working. I stuff my face with protein, even slightly oily protein, avoid foods whose labels have high "of which sugars" and yup, in the mirror, i've lost weight. But on such an unsafe diet, it might be a month of "dieting" before I dare to weigh myself.

Healthy is working!

I've been eating "healthily" for the past couple of days., though i'm not too sure if it's REALLY "healthy". I've stopped counting calories, but it seems like i'm actually eating quite little and i've almost completely cut out sugar-filled carbs. Also, my main food is vegetables like raw celery and stuff but, anyways, it's working. I've coupled this new diet thing with workouts and my "CHUBBY" face is flattening out and so are my abs. I'm really quite scared not counting calories and eating what seems to me like always too much and I some how always waking up starved and go to bed relatively hungry. I don't know how to eat healthily. I really don't know. I strongly prefer starving. Really. But as long as it's working ( in the mirror), i'll stick to it. Another thing- I REALLY DON'T DARE TO WEIGH MYSELF. If i've gained.... I don;t think i'll be able to stop myself from going straight back to like 500 calories a day or something. :S

I haven't been doing any cardio at all for the past few days cuz of a bad flu. :( I can't wait to get well. I can barely resist the scales. Doing cardio will definitely make me feel much safer and more willing to stay away from it.

Gosh, healthy works, but I don't quite trust it. Nor do I really know how it works. Like, when I eat, is it because I need to or want to? And is it ok to want to? I mean, isn't that pure greed?! Or HUNGER. Healthy Eating says "Eat till 80% full". What is 80% full? To be honest, on bad days, even 50% makes me feel so absolutely disgusted with myself. And are you sure about the 1200/1350 calories a day thing? I mean yeah, you say pair it with exercise 3-5 times a week... but the calories seem WAY too much to me and the exercise seems too little to me. I'm used to running hundreds of laps up and down the living room non-stop at the crack of dawn everyday. And I don't really fancy thin/slim/toned/lean.... what i've always wanted has been emanciated.

Snacks are the worst. Healthy Eating actually says it's ok to eat a bowl of cereal for a snack! What about the calories?! Isn't that fattening carbs?!

Fuck, this shit is TERRIFYING.

Dilemma

I feel like going the healthy way, y'know, for like, once. But it's absolutely scary. Like, to "healthy eaters", low fat milk and cheese is actually okay. So are other stuff like low fat cheese, lots and lots of nuts.... I mean, REALLY?! Cheese is scary. Unless it's cottage. And I can't even remember the last time I let a single drop of milk into my body.

I calculated on losertown, if I eat 1300 calories a day, and exercise 3-5 times a week, by December 30, i'll be around 92 plus lbs.

I don't know.

This video is crazy awesome, why didn't I think of it before?!

The skinniest and nothing else

The same girl I mentioned before, the one who called me "chubby". She said it in a complimentary manner, like cuz if i'm right, many people consider chubby cute or I don't really know what. Whatever it means, all I hear was the word "fat". I am officially giving up fast food and fried food or foods with oil in them.

By the start of next year, I WILL by 5 kilos skinnier. Oh yes. To the girl who called me chubby, next year I WILL be the skinniest girl in class.

From now on I'm only allowed to eat:

Black coffee

Tea

Whole grain foods

Greens

Fruits

Low calories cereals

Low calorie yogurt

I don't care. I will lose 5 kilos by next year, and i'll do whatever it takes to get there.

FINALLY! A sunny day!

It's been raining ALL week! Today it's FINALLY sunny.... though I bet it's just for a while cuz it's the stupid rainy season.. but i'll enjoy the sun today while it lasts! By SKATEBOARDING:D!

Today was a bad day :/ I had macs and an ice cream. Though I told them to hold the mayo and I chose coke lite plus left the fries... but yeah/ Fast food. =(

I really like this : If you REALLY want it, there would be NO EXCUSES, there would be only solutions.

One of my FAVORITE VIDEOS!

correction: I'm starting to log off and it's started to rain.

SHEEEEEESH!!!!!!!!!!!

Sustained without effort.

My abs have shrunken. My size 8 denim shorts were hanging pretty loose round my waist this morning. My arms look slightly smaller. I feel full-ish after eating every time, even if it's just a slice of whole-grain bread and a slice of ham.

I know that dehydration is BAD. But i'm getting so many good effects that I can't really agree with that...

I was just thinking- you know the fact about how self-starvation kills your metabolism? How about intensively exercising WHILE starving? I mean, your body has no choice but to burn calories, right? I can't possibly "conserve" calories then..

I have to admit something, whenever I eat about 600 or more calories per sitting I have this incredible urge to down a handful of laxatives. However, i've resisted for a long time.

Less Water

A few weeks ago, my friend told me water bingeing expands your stomach, so immediately after that, I cut down on my water intake. It REALLY works. Now, I eat a bit of food for breakfast at 7, then for lunch at 3, I eat about 240 calories and 2 mugs of water and I feel REALLY BLOATED. So I suppose my stomach has successfully shrunken, at least a bit.

Nikki Grahame lost 9KG in less than 3 months before. WOW, eh.

People are starting to ask me why I'm "Eating only yogurt for lunch", "Eating fruit at break again", "Not eating again" "Eating so little rice" "Buying apples" etc. etc.

Like, SHUT UP.

Chubby

Yesterday I was standing in front of the long mirror in my parents room, and just happened to notice that my mouth was smaller than normal mouths. So I mused aloud, to both my mum, who was in the room, and I, "I think my mouth is too small for my face."

My mom smiled and said,"It's not that.... it's that you've got chubby cheeks."

Thanks Mum, thanks.

Last year she was sooooo worried about my self-starvation and at the end of the year all the effects of starvation were REALLY getting to me, and I had my GCSE O levels, so I stopped starving. Her encouragement? Squeezing my newly fleshy upper arms a few times in front of everyone and announcing to the whole room, "Sarah! Nice to see you've put on some fat here!"

Amazing, ain't it?

My parents are quarreling like mad again, and my mum is threatening divorce and my dad is just threatening her. I swear, they have a problem, they should have gotten a divorce ages ago. It's always been like that I wonder why they don't just separate. I am never getting married I swear, and i'm not just saying this. I mean, a marriage is has always been destroying my life and it's not even mine, why THE HELL would I choose to get into one of my own?!!!

Fuck 84-92. Maybe i'll go all the way down to 3 stone or 4 stone this time. Maybe.

84-92

Despite all the stories, I feel like if my weight went down and stayed between 84-92, I would be happy. I don't know, around 38KG is soooo good.

I am still at 98 pounds. I want to lose at least 5 pounds, ASAP.

Today I ate a bit of fudge! What is wrong with me?!!!

Please, 97, come quickly!!!!! I can barely wait.

Been eating loads of "rice thins"-thinly sliced rice cakes- at 23 calories each, it feels so safe. Egg whites are safer, at 17! Eating two of both the rice thins and the egg whites are actually safer than one Weetbix, at 52.5.

PLEASE, OH PLEASE!

NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN NINETYSEVEN

Small diet

I'm reading Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb. Incredible book!

My intake today as of 5:31PM:

Cereal: 143

Black coffee: 5

2 rice cakes: 46

Yogurt: 123

Crab sushi: 45

More yogurt: 77

2 weetbix: 105

TOTAL: 544

Listening to Mistletoe by Justin Bieber, and i'm already in love with it:)

Planning to eat a little for dinner tonight, then going to the gym to run or cycle. Haven't been able to skate this week as Singapore has entered into the rainy season. And I end in the afternoons, so:(

Was looking at the list of sushi calories. The only reason I could eat the crab one is, I suppose, because, it isn't REAL crab. Just the stick, so maybe just the flavor. And all the lower calorie ones are like prawn and clam and all that. I am allergic to almost all seafood there is (except fish and seaweed and that crab thing) so this is REALLY UNFAIR.

There's the small cucumber and egg ones, of course, but last year a friend who was becoming ano (she still is) informed me that they apply a thin layer of mayonnaise to hold the seaweed in place, and I think a few more calories makes better sense than that bigger piece of seaweed which would have a greater portion of mayonnaise.

My so-called "starving buddy" told me yesterday over facebook chat that people who go for eating competitions binge drink on water to expand their stomachs, so I guess i'll be cutting back on my fluid intake. Stuff dehydration! I need a tiny stomach. And I was considering reading a few diet books, I mean, there could be a few helpful suggestions in there. I've never followed any diets and diet books and all, because they bring you to a "healthy weight", while i'm after a unhealthily low BMI-16.4. But no harm browsing a few, eh?

4 more days to the 24th!

2 posts, i know

I know I did the "normal" thing to give myself a break.

I did consider the great why of it, and have decided that it is because of the basic survival instinct built into the DNA of all living creatures on this Earth.

Doesn't change a thing. I feel fat, dirty and big. And unworthy and a failure. I shouldn't have done it. I hate myself so much. I keep thinking "If I hadn't done it, i'd be clean, empty, successful right now. I wish I didn't do it." I feel so fat.

I might not be officially diagnosed or anything. But my discomfort and guilt at eating are genuine in all senses of the word and immensely so. I DO see myself as fat, unworthy, and that my body is dank and to widely expanded.

My chin- I swear that piece of shit- has gotten much saggier today. My arms, I can feel their deadweights.

Eating normally for a single day has left me feeling very, very, very heavy. I feel as if a fresh, extraordinarily thick layer of gelatin has been inserted underneath my skin today.

So, so sleepy.

Finished a book today- Nothing Lasts Forever by Sidney Sheldon. I love him already. Couldn't put the damn thing down.

Really, why give in to a momentarily pleasurable activity I can do without- eating- when it makes me feel so much guilt and self-hatred? I mean really, so what about the osteoporosis and hair-loss and the depression and all that?

I'd rather face that than the intense, virulent self-hatred that corrodes and ravages me if I do eat "normally" and allow myself to be fat.

It's not worth it. I alone am more dangerous and scary than all the side-effects of self-starvation.

I am in crazy love with: Nirvana

Zachary Quinto (I've had a crush on him for forever, now he's gay, I like him more)

Karen Carpenter

Taking a day off

A pounding migraine, extremely shaky limbs, periodically tunnel vision, severe edema. All that prompted my rational self, as small as i've shrunk (or silenced) that part of my brain, to speak up loud enough to allow myself a day off. First time i've ever had a "day off" without bingeing at all. Maybe it's because the more dominant side of me hasn't shut up completely. All that food (i'm still under 900 so far in this normal day, for some weird reason) and I can feel my fear growing. I shouldn't feel this scared. I am still in control. It's okay.

I thought "Forget it, forget it. I need to eat. Forget it, go eat, just go eat." My water-swollen limbs made the number on the scale go up, though I couldn't properly register it, I was too dizzy. I ate anyway, despite the fact that the scale's needle had travelled in the direction of failure.

Why did I eat? My body won? I do not like to think that way. If it had won, I would have full-out binged. If my mind had won, i'd be exercising now, still dizzy and weak. I like to think the body and mind reached a compromise, without the usual self-torture. I don't plan to stay this way by tomorrow, though, I don't have to dig deep below the surface before I reach the (ir)rational fear. However, in the meanwhile, I shall enjoy, no matter how cautiously, this temporary state of perfect balance between the body and mind. A rare, almost normal episode in the roller-coaster power struggle between the two entities that is me in my life.

:) Have a great day, guys.

Bloody rain!

Wasn't planning on the rain! Was planning on running/ cycling in the gym or skateboarding! Stupid rain!

So know i'm sitting here blogging and watching The Karen Carpenter story on Youtube and reduced to my improvised cardio in the bathroom.

Intake so far:

Yogurt: 70

Cereal: 71

5 Popcorns: 10?

1 Weetbix: 52.5

Porridge: 180

A bit of bread: 75

Calories lost: about 30

Net: 428.5

Really didn't want to eat the fucking porridge and the bread, but I had an oral presentation project, and I was feeling woozy and high and all the words on the page were blinding me. :( So I had to eat all that shit.

Keep crying as I watch the Karen Carpenter show! UGH.

As much as i've read

As much as i've read about anorexia....

It's not about control, it's about losing control and the disease taking control of us. It's happening to me. Every single crumb that enters my mouth is calculated, every single moment, at least at the back of my head, is thinking about calories. How much i've eaten, how much more I can eat, how to burn the calories, how to avoid calories, how to lower my calorie intake but still allow myself to eat etc etc.

I eat in tiny bites, I feel SOOOOOOO guilty, even if it's just a slice of 125 calories white bread. I cut up all my food, I feel so nervous and anxious, for example, when I "treated" myself to a famous amos cookie my friend offered today, I could taste the chocolate, butter and sugar even in the ridges of my teeth for hours after that. Due to that, I couldn't stop jiggling my foot for a few hours after that.

It's never been this fast. I don't know if deep down I am scared.

I just feel the need to lose weight.

Grades:

General Paper: B (haven't got the other half)

Math: U (ungraded- the lowest grade)

Chinese U (Stupid language, I can't speak a sentence more that 5 words without halting and stuttering-.-)

Biology: D

Lit: D

Chemistry: A :D

A pass is an E, which is one grade lower than D. My grades are terrible.

CW: Exactly 7 stone D:

Still, it's lower than 100 2 days ago.

Quitter

I've quit soccer. Next year it's going to take up SO much time, and it's GCSE A level years. Sigh. Giving up on the beautiful game.

Going to skateboard in 40 minutes time.

Watching videos on Youtube on Rhodes Farm.

I don't really care about what the comments say about Dee Dawson, I personally think she's pretty awesome, and I'd love to meet her.

I hate ice cream

Had ice cream with my friend last night.

I am still being crushed by the immense guilt and I still haven't forgiven myself.

Calories count for today up till now (2.52pm) = 0

Not eating a morsel till dinner, I swear. At least I kept it under 1500 calories yesterday, and burned nearly 300 calories at the gym yesterday.

Right, now on to a major project.

Skateboarding.

Been skateboarding quite a bit, especially now that i've FINALLY learnt how to ollie. And suddenly, skateboarding became a hell lot more interesting:) The picture above is what an ollie is, in case you don't know, only mine's lower and sloppy, but i've just learnt it, so i'm not that hard on myself right now, I calculated on http://www.fatburn.com/free_tool_activity_burn.asp that an hour of skateboarding burns approximately 243 calories, and since it's a lot more interesting now, I can spend around 2 and a half hours skateboarding without even noticing the time fly by. In fact the only reason I stopped yesterday after 2 hours 20 minutes of skateboarding was because I fell, and the abrasions were stinging too much for me to continue. So, yup, quite a great accomplishment. A sport I fell in love with, it burns a lot of calories, a way to pass my after-exam time and also a trick learnt:) Though now I have to control myself at Forever 21, cuz I think I really need to save up for all the safety gear and helmet and stuff.

I don't plan to weigh myself until the 24th of October, which is in about 14 days time, and in the mean time, every single day I'm gonna try and skateboard or at least engage in a sporting activity that burns off at least 200 calories. I'm quitting soccer, due to the fact next year's my A levels, and also the inter-school tournament, which means training's gonna be MANY (up to 5) times a week. And perfectionist (to a certain extent) as I am, anything that stands in the way of me getting the best grades possible goes out the window. And also the soccer girls are becoming really fake, and I CANNOT STICK FAKE GIRLS.

Speaking of results, on Friday during morning assembly, my usually angry, give you that i'm-gonna-eat-you-up glare chem teacher came up to me looking happier than i've seen her this entire year, shook my hand and congratulated me on getting "really good results". That incident has been worrying me like mad ever since and I need to get it off my chest. What if I got like a B, like 69% or something? Or a low A, say, 71%? I won't be able to take it. I honestly don't think I deserve me congratulating myself on a grade if it isn't at least a 75%. Or what if I got a mediocre B grade, but SURPRISE! I got highest in class! So, congrats. I don't know what to think, she has agitated me to no end and I am going out of my mind trying to balance expectation and preparation for possible severe disappointment. SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT. I swear when she's returning it, my heart, stomach and intestines will be in my throat.

I suppose my view in good grades is exactly the same as my view on weight. If I'm 100, I want 97, if i'm 95, I want 90 and so on. For grades, if I get 67, I want 70, if I get 70 I want 75, if I get 80 i'll want 95, if I get 99% i'll be freaking pissed cuz it's a mark to 100. This might kill me one day but I don't really care. I just want better, better and better and even if I can help it, i'm not going to, cuz it's good to get better whenever you can. And when I get a grade like 67% and everyone's like OMG YOU DID SO WELL THIS TEST WAS SO DIFFICULT blah blah blah. Well I suppose others would decline the compliments cuz of the reverse psychology thing where they get reassurance in the form of even more compliments. But NO. I get truly pissed. And if they don't back off, I will and I will show them how truly pissed I am by yelling or retreating or something. Like, who the eff am I to receive compliments for something I really don't deserve? Bitch, please.

10 mins jump rope, moderate=81

10 mins jumping jacks= 65

1 hour skateboarding=243

8mph running 20 mins=219

stationary bicycling moderate 20 mins= 114

1 mins sit ups=6

10 mins brisk walk=32

10 mins breaststroke swimming= 81

Starving till dinner tomorrow, maybe with the help of gastric pills, maybe skateboarding in the afternoon then dinner with a good friend, who knows, thinks i'm out of it but is still slightly worried. I need to save up for Vans, unless I get my parents to buy it for my christmas.

Weight

How did it even happen. So much weight, trying to figure out where it came from. Maybe some water retention thing from the laxatives? Been restricting a bit

Plan. 800-1000 calories until 24 October.

Stomach flu

I've had the runs at least 20 times since Friday night. After a while I figured 17 laxatives under 24 hours were finally rupturing my gut. Then I took my temperature and realized my temperature was 37.9 deg Celsius (100.22 Fahrenheit, sorry i've never used this measurement). So that meant I had the stomach flu. On the upside, all that purging made me drop 1.9KG since Friday afternoon, SUCCESS. Though I don't think i'll be going near laxatives for a long time unless there's a severe emergency like spontaneous creamy/ fattening dessert thing or a buffet or whatever.

Right. So now i'm sick with stomach flu and I have 2 exams tomorrow.

Sheesh.

Give up?

In my mind I have given up on math and chinese. For math, the last test we had I scored 1/12, for chinese 5/40. Har de har har. Why am I even Chinese... I really don't get God sometimes.

I finished about 1/4 of my bottle of apple cider vinegar and had diarrhea like...more than 5 times today, but as I gained 3 pounds from this retarded "normal" eating, it was nowhere near enough. I swallowed 9 laxatives and they're burning and twisting my guts, and I deserve it for being such a FATASS. (Anyway I just found out abusing of laxatives plus excessive exercise is another form of bulimia)

I have decided that this time, this starvation thing will be serious, I WILL be at most 43.5KG by 24th October, and I will do my damnedest to make sure I achieve it.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 70% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||||||||| 34% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 78% Dependent |||||| 22% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Wikied all the ones 70% and above- PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF ME.

Anyways.

Reply- Sophie

Heeeyyyy Thanks so much for your concern- it felt REALLY good to get that issue off my chest, it's been around for quite a while. Well, yeah, it's bad, I have 3 sisters, aged 9, 16 and 19. I suppose out of mutual embarrassment we never talk about it. Me and my 2 sisters the 2 older ones know enough not to- any trigger can launch my parents into a blow-off-the-roof quarrel. The only one of us close to my parents is my 9 year old sis but I think she isn't bothered, I don't even think she's learnt that chapter in science yet. I hate that part about every day of my life, and I don't know about my other family members, but yep i'm traumatized. Thanks for your concern though.:) And yeah, it's disgusting as hell, but reverse thinspo nevertheless.

Why is it that only TODAY I realize how absolutely smokin' hot the singer Drake is?

I'm so slow SRZZLY.

3 more laxatives before I sleep and a 4KM run tomorrow. Was supposed to run just now or at least cycle but all the good stuff in my condo's tiny gym was being used up.

FORTYTHREEPOINTFIVE.

I hate this

I hate eating normally. EVERYSINGLETIME i'm eating something, I have no idea if it's because I want to, feel like it, should, can, don't know if I should be but just doing so for the sake of it, or because i'm just bingeing. It's scary as hell and making me so fat. My dear friend told me "omg you became chubbier! So cute" I want to just fucking die already. I feel like not eating a single calorie for at least 2 days the moment my exams end. I hate being fat, I hate people fucking pointing it out, I hate eating, I hate calories, freak.....I don't know what to say. And best of all I ain't even putting this to good use, i've screwed up nearly every single paper so far. I HATE THIS.

Out of plain curiosity, I calculated my dad's calorie intake for today (as much as I remember him eating) =4015. hahaha. wtheck.

I just want to be fucking skinny again.

Exams end

Exams end next Monday at 4PM.

I want to stop eating (or at least less than 500) and work out till i'm dead exhausted.

I cannot wait.

All this normal eating for the exams is killing me, but my grades mean the world to me.

I cannot friggin wait........

I hate my dad

I hate him. He's fucking addicted to food. He eats like 4 to 5 BIG meals a day, like one consisting of 1.5 servings of oily chinese noodles for example, either that or he eats 2-3 helpings of everything at the next meal. He wears like mini little guy boxers and his genitals hang the fuck out. I am never ever "turned on"-whatever that means- by anything to do with sex, and I don't know if I ever will be. He overcooks- so much, just because he can eat more (and more) and his serving will look normal, and when we can't finish our share-----HALLELUJAH! He gets even more! He is obese as fuck and he cannot stop eating. He keeps trying to get us on the same path as him-offering to buy us extra meals too. And when we are down with the flu he goes like "I always eat till I can't move when I have the flu! So go on! Stuff yourself! Go stuff yourself!!!"

THE FUCK

I hate him so fucking muchhhhh

Sorry for rant, been keeping this in for years and needed to get it off my chest. On the bright side, reverse thinspo for me everyday!

I love my followers so frigging much ^^

I CAN"T WAIT EITHER

Just for something different.

In the midst of promotional exams now... My friends were saying those things which go like "I can't wait to watch all my dramas after the promos" "I can't wait to go clubbing every night after the promos" "I can't wait to sleep in bed all day after the promos" etcetc. I kept my mouth shut. In my head the only thought I had was "I can't wait to lose weight after the promos"

I hate myself so much today

Massive binge.. I want to take the sharpest kitchen knife and make great big slits till the yellow goo and pus spills out.

Swallowed 11 laxatives, but they only took effect (very effectively, I have to say) about 9 hours later. Like, srsly, after my promotional exams I needa go to the doctor and fake my way to strong ones. Ones that work in a jiffy.

I hate myself. 2 nights ago I cut myself. It was so bad, when I tried to sleep later that night, I could see the bloody images in my head. Like a murder scene or horror film, it was nearly impossible to force my eyes to open, and I couldn't be bothered trying, saw the images till I drifted off into dreamland. I feel so fat. I need to eat 11 more laxatives. If I continue this way, i'll finish the box in less than 6 days, there are only 60 pills. Or I could find some ultra sneaky way to find out how my sister purges- she's bulimic- and try to learn.

I want to completely stop eating- not a single calorie- till I reach 35 KG. I'm so fat, I cannot take this.

I'm gonna force myself to exercise every fucking day after my examinations. I need to lose AT LEAST 5lbs. I am sososososososofat, I deserve the torture. Of starvation, of everything.

I have the ability to stop liking someone- that's how hardened I am, am i'm contemplating doing that right now.

I want to die. I feel so fat and hopeless. I want to die.

My thoughts

"Why? You want to know why?

Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly, and fat, and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all ''a disappointment''. Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It's rotting you and you can't stop. Look into a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.

"Why?" is the wrong question.

Ask "Why not?"

Like a good little girl

So today, after 149 calories in the morning, I went starving till now like a good little girl. Drank a hell lot of straight black coffee and some coke lite, water-gorging now, and waiting for the pee to come out, so I can weigh. Wasn't much pee just now. Body is shaking with the caffeine.

I feel so (almost) successful. forced down the friggin 149 this morning, REALLY didn't wanna eat a friggin thing, but my end-of-years start next week, and for the sake of lessons.... SIGH.

I was reading "Dying to be thin" by Nikki Grahame, I stand amazed. Speechless. I don't feel a bit jealous, or repulsed, or happy, or inspired, or motivated or whatever. Just purely amazed.://

Now with facebook's new layout, I am terrified to post a thing. And I haven't ever since before it was changed. I HATE being under scrutiny. HATE HATE HATE.

Please, body, be nice? I really tried. I really wanna lose weight today...

Sometimes I think the reason why we're called ''emo'' is cuz society doesn't have a label "hurting".

" FAT FAILURE "

Those words have been ringing in my head all fucking day, ever since that first bite of "Pasta with Fish Cutlet". I want to die. I don't want (dare) to check on how much I did to that hard-earned 98.

Shutthefuckup

My bloody family. Mentioned last night at dinner that going for one of those body fat percentage tests thingies would be cool.... could I go to the one at my mom's workplace sometime? And, like, BAM! My grandmother starts telling me about this new article about this 43KG anorexic woman who fell to her death (Uhmmmm like totally not related much?!) My dad starts talking about there's no need to cuz teenagers have toned bodies, very little fat, nothing to worry about (WTF HE IS BLIND). My mom starts talking about the importance of eating stupid carbs, that the machine is probably inaccurate blah blah blah. I shouted OK FINE I WON"T GO I WAS JUST CURIOUS! I WAS KIDDING!

Bloody hell.

I had about 900 fucking calories today- had to eat this box of carbs (286) (does what the food is actually matter?) before chem, I consider sacrificing for chem (almost) worth it. Yesterday I was at a perfect 600. Tomorrow might get outta hand. A short school day till 2pm them off to study with a completely clueless friend. Will make me eat. I'm gonna drink 2 mugs of straight black coffee tomorrow for breakfast to kickstart my metabolism and nothing else till I meet her. I need to buy fucking gastric pills. I use my runny nose/ eczema ones to neutralize the acid, but I don't wanna end up immune to them, I don't know if panadol works, but I know painkillers make it ten times worse, though I kinda like the sedative effect. Sigh. Listening to Love Is All Around by Wet Wet Wet now.

Dinner today was forcing two moderately large greasy as hell till they shine barbecue chicken. Now my family's eye is turning towards me AGAIN. And my sister looks just about 37KG to outsiders. OH I SEE. SHE'S BU-LI-MIC, REMEMBER? SO AS LONG AS YOU SHOVEL DOWN BOWLFUL AFTER BOWLFUL OF FOOD IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES BUT SHRINK LIKE A FUCKING DRIED FOOD THINGY, YOU GET THE FUCK AWAY WITH IT. OH I GET IT! So. The point is not the getting thin, it's the journey there that pushes their buttons. I see. ENLIGHTENMENT!

Muther fuq.

anyhoo.

I am 98 today.

Despite the nine hundred calorie sin, I am 98.

98 98 98 98 98

9

8

:D

DOWN DOWN DOWNNNNNN

I am officially 98.8.

Tomorrow I wanna be AT MOST 98.5.

Down, down, down!

My STGW for now is 94.

I just bought a new packet of razors. I don't know if I should open them now, when I don't feel like cutting at all, or open them when I feel like cutting. That could get soooo dangerous and so out of hand.

In fact, carefully enunciating the word razors.... can make my heart beat faster.

I am in love with wintergirls. I am going to buy the book. IF I can, and asap.

I am so desperate to be thin.

TRIGGER

Wintergirls. Is. Toxic.

Beautiful, perfect.

82 incisions. Wide and thin surface-skimming ones.

I stand by what I said last year. Currently, I think 84 is still the perfect weight.

Gonna listen to ''paperbag'' by Fiona Apple till it's stuck in my head.

Doing a protocol-style scroll through my crush's fb photos.

Means nothing to me.

I prefer his presence.

I want to be 84.

Fat

Bitch

Selfish

Lazy

Unreliable

The song's getting sickening.

82 cuts.

2 below the perfect weight.

I want him to be mine.

Want God to share him with me.

I love him.

I don't think he's perfect.

Not at all.

I'm in love with his imperfections.

Will keep listening, starting to like it.

FAT FAT FAT PIGGGG

Your photos are boring,

But please please please don't be in love with someone else.

Changing the fucking song.

I love him so much.

His personality.

His smile.

His oh, so endearing actions.

I love him I love him I love him I love him

82.

Then minutes fresh

Into the fucking shower.

I want to be thin.

Plan.

max 700 calories per day this week.

If only there wasn't school tomorrow.

Wanna stay up so late I can't feel tomorrow.

Cutting isn't something I think about.

I just do it.

Small

Skinny

Thin

Weightless

Taut

Clean

Pure

Tight and toned

Screwed up plan.

Today's intake ended up being around 1000. Like I said, screw up plan. Ugh.

Anyway, to sound totally unexpected, even to myself, I actually made a ''move'' on the guy I like, if there were no other way to put it... yup, I texted him and we ended up having a text convo for like and hour forty minutes. Hm. A year ago I would never have done such a thing.

Anyway, planning to get up early tomorrow to run and study. End of years in about 12 days, and what's scary is that I ain't scared at all.

CW: 99.5

Gonna look at some thinspo before dinner:)

Impatient; Confused; Waiting

I STILL can't stop thinking about him.

Finally. Got my fat ass back into the double digits. 99.8 pounds. Sigh. Fat, yes, but about 2 weeks ago I was 104 pounds, so I guess it ain't THAT bad... =/

I want to tell him that I like him, wanna tell him so so baaad. I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I ate 600 calories, today I plan on 500, so far I've eaten 344.

I feel so fat.

Madness

So my sis is eating and eating and eating and getting skinnier and skinnier and skinnier-.-. REALLY annoying, seriously. Makes me feel like slapping her or something.

I think I might be in love. x.x Like, i've probably have had a thousand or so crushes but i've never felt like this. Scary as hell and I don't even think he knows.

I hate carbohydrates, without them my brain gets woozy and unfocused. But I don't WANT them:( but I have to eat them to study, so.

Dinner with grandparents tonight- UGH. At this chinese food place FULL OF STARCH. Hope I can throw away my lunch or something.

I don't dare to weigh myself. O.O

2nd post today

I wanna be friggin thin again. Like...38KG. I want it. Yeah. now I'm ''normal'', and yes, there are some aspects of happiness I have to give up, but it's worth it. How else am I suppose to release any of this low but so, so tangible sadness and pain in me?

OMG gotta say this here if I can't say it anywhere else.

This really sweet, good looking guy from my church asked for my number on Sunday ^^

Any advice on losing weight fast?

It's been too long

I've been mia on this blog for SOOO long.

My SIS has an ED. I suspect bulimia. She eats about 4 times the amount I eat, I don't see her spitting food into her cup, don't see her exercising, and I can see her hipbones and cheekbones. And her wrists are friggin skinny. My dear ol' clueless family has no idea. I mean when I was not eating they gave me such a hard time. Anyway, I started eating normally for a while. :(((((Like, my motivation kinda died when I was separated from my bff. But we're back! :)

I wonder if I can survive on coffee, although I might need to get gastric pills from my bff. I still don't dare to spit food into my cup, as my family caught me once and are super vigilant about it now, and I don't plan to puke, so besides exercising, this is gonna be so hard:(

My promotional exams are in 21 days. Not so prepared.

I need to lose weight, any advice?

Harry Potter

Harry Potter day!!! The grand finale is OUT!!! :D

I'm uncontrollably excited ( although I'm only watching it on Saturday), yet at the same time feeling so much pain. I'm sure I will cry when the movie is over, and many times during the movie. The end of one of the very greatest chapter of my life, and yet it's not. Harry Potter will never end. When I'm in my nineties/eighties, I will still be as love with Harry Potter as I am now.

When I die and go heaven, I will still love Harry Potter.

Thank you Harry Potter for giving me Hogwarts and giving me spells and somewhere I can actually have real, palpable magic. Harry Potter itself is magic. Thank you J.K Rowling for giving me-giving us Harry Potter, the greatest author of all time, Harry Potter being one of the greatest gifts the world has ever received.

Non-fans will never understand the fervor we get into over Harry Potter, nor can they comprehend the way our heart can start racing from the mere mention of "Harry Potter", or "Hogwarts" or "Dumbledore".

The spellbinding 7 awesome books- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows have always and WILL ALWAYS be perched at the top of the list of things I love.

So thank you Harry Potter, for your books, your magic and the legacy you leave.

I love you:)

Tired as fuck

12:05 AM.

Went to soccer training (3PM-7.30AM) which lasted for 4.5 hours with nothing but a 200calorie bowl of cereal at 7AM and before that a carrot. Nothing went wrong, which proves beyond a doubt that I have a plentiful store of fat left to burn.

After that I ate like 600 calories, of chicken meat, a bit of rice, greek yogurt and fruits.

Took my height and weight at P.E today. Didn't dare look at my weight.... gonna check this Sat.

At 12.24 am

http://www.pro-thinspo.com/foodsunder100calories.html ( a good page)

Turn my head. The fats in my chin.

Sit down. The way my fats feel pressed against the chair.

Walk. The bounce of my step. The bounce of my arms against my fat-swamped ribs.

Scratch. Cellulite moving.

Everyday every fucking second.

THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD WHO TELLS YOU YOU CAN'T DO IT IS A LYING SLUT.

YOU CAN.

Even MORE progress

I've started to count my calories... I've lost 1.5KGS so far WHOOO!!!!

And my tiring week of exams have ended on Thursday... Plan to start studying tonight. hate procrastinating especially in studies.

Keep going people. Hunger hurts. But it WORKS

So tired.

Miss my friends. Sick of life. Tired of school, of working so hard to lose weight, of not being among the people who've known me for 10 years. I hate my life so effin much

It's working:)

Intake so far: 444 Calories.

In the past week, I've lost 0.7kgs:D Slow, I know, but it's going down.

I feel like Changing.

Lose 7KGS.

Spend all that saved money from not eating on Forever 21 and Zara clothes.

Wear dark eyeliner/eyeshadow all the time.

Hence, looking super mature.

Flaunt my (future) skinny arms with all those uber cool bohemian tanks.

Chop my hair off, keep short hair.

Sick of being me.

Become a fully- pledged study-holic.

Sit at the back of the class, sneering at everyone, getting every question right.

Not bothering to even act nice, baring pseudo fangs at people who I hate.

No more being me.

No more of this tiresome, childish failure of me.

No more failing; disappointing.

No more of this frizzy, ugly hair that has to be tied up at all times.

No more of this weird, fashion-skewed kid.

No more.

No more Me.

Gonna Change.

I wanna be there with you

Lyrics from Eden, from the album Heaven and Earth by Phil Wickham.

How to express this....

Anyway, in simple terms, I met God inside and out of me last night.

... o.o hope that didn't sound weird... I don't really know how to say it.

Anyway, my body has been FUCKING rebellious. Eating. Or more like forcing me to eat or threatening blackout and hence exposure. I mean come on I'm already more than 100 and it has already decided to enter the "blackout stage". What a bitch, and now, I'm in the midst of coming up with ways of mastering the damn thing.

Ate white carbs today, the first time in like... months.. Damn..

Now where to generate this control from.

Was reading my diary. The entries I wrote when I weighed 38-40 Kgs.

Sigh. Telling myself "just lose 7kgs first, then everything will be ok, everything will be better"

Need to control, master, tame this body.

My sis came through the door, talking about this cat; scrawny noisy and lost in the condo's basement. I went to try and feed it. It REFUSED to eat even when I shoved the food in front of it's face (A lesson for me to learn there eh:)). It kept rubbing itself against me and purring non-stop when I rubbed it's body... suddenly it turned it's head in slow motion, then opening its mouth in what seemed like a yawn, it SANK ITS FANGS INTO MY ARM AND ATTEMPTED TO PULL OFF A CHUNK OF ME. So now there's 2 long, pretty deep cuts where it pulled, and 2 vampire-like puncture marks from it's bottom "fangs"... Interesting, and I can't find any antiseptic in my house. Oh... well.

I really feel like using a saw and sawing off ALL the fats off my body. GEESH, one of my friends who is dieting swims like 20 laps every morning. I can't swim cuz I cut :( Should be a good change from running.

Gotta be ok...?

I just KNOW my life's gonna get so much better once I lose 7kgs.

Skipped lunch today.

Intake plan.

For now. 800+ to 900+.

Young

6 to 8 years old.

Giving up on Enid Blyton, reading science encyclopedias.

Weather. Dinosaur fossils. Digestion. Planets. Birds. Electricity. Rocks.

Puberty. Sex.

"Dear God, please, I do not want this puberty.

I do not want the Becoming a Woman

I do not want the weight

I do not ever want to go near a penis.

I don't want my body to go through this."

I choose to fight it when it comes.

I choose not to blindly succumb to the ravages of Puberty like everybody else.

But how?!!!

11 years old.

Pick up a book from the library shelf.

"Anorexia"

Self Destruct.

I've realized I'm nothing. Bound to fail in life. Mugging my head off for disappointment. Every time. I want to self destruct. Non stop cutting for nearly 20 minutes last night. I don't dare to take my weight yet (The mirror, my eating habits-less and less and exercise habits all point to a very possible weight loss.) Yet, I do not dare take my weight. The scale-my greatest temptation and greatest fear.

“Whether the cause was malnutrition, neurosis, or an ineffable combination of the two, what changed very suddenly in that year was the way my mind worked. For as long as I had been bulimic—seven years, by that point—I had never before reached the state of complete and constant obsession that began that year at school and would characterize the years to come. A friend of mine who I’d meet later in life, one who never had an eating disorder, told me that she’d bent over the toilet once and began to throw up. But then she was suddenly gripped, she said, by a sudden sense that what she was doing was wrong. Not wrong in the sense of sinful, but wrong in a human sense—a crime against nature, the body, the soul, the self. She stopped. I think that prior to my sixteenth year, I had always understood in the back of my brain that this was true. I had a clear, haunting knowledge that my eating disorder was cruelty. We forget this. We think of bulimia and anorexia as either a bizarre psychosis, or as a quirky little habit, a phase, or as a thing that wo- men justdo. We forget that it is a violent act, that it bespeaks a pro- found level of anger toward and fear of the self. That year, the questioning, whispering voice in my head fell silent. With that voice gone, my eyes changed, and subsequently my world changed as well. Through the looking glass I went, and things turned upside down, inside out. Words turned themselves around, and I heard things in reverse. Inside the looking glass, you become the center of the universe. All things are reduced to their relationship to you. You bang on the glass—people turn and see you, smile, and wave. Your mouth moves in soundless shapes. You lose a dimension, turn into a paper doll figure with painted eyes.
You become fearless in a very twisted way. Reckless, careless, a cartoon character spinning its legs in glee as it falls from a cliff, splats flat, bounces back up. You sneeze, and your nose, cocaine torn, spatters blood. This pleases you, just as the small knives of pain please you when you run, the stabbing pain of each step, just as the worried, muted words of friends please you, just as your own voice pleases you when you say tothem, I just can’t stop. You’ve made a decision: You will not stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything, that you are not a slave to your body, you don’t have to give in to its whining. In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you’re putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do. You’re doing something right. It’s hard to describe how these two things can take place in the same mind: the arrogant, self-absorbed pride in yourself for your incredible feat, and the belief that you are so evil as to deserve starvation and any other form of self-mutilation. They coexist because you’ve split yourself in two. One part is the part you’re trying to kill—the weak self, the body. One part is the part you’re trying to become—the powerful self, the mind. This is not psychosis, this splitting. It is the history of Western culture made manifest. Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It is ascetic, holy. It is self-control. It is masochism, and masochism is pleasurable to many, but we don’t like to think about that. We don’t like to think that a person could have a twisted autoerotic life going on, be both a top and a bottom, and experience both at once: the pleasure of beating the hell out of a body shackled at the wrists, and the pleasure of being the body and knowing we deserve each blow.”

might as well :)

Illegal Globe photo!

It's England, baby!!! (ENGLAND PHOTOSSS):DD

Well... let's see.

We landed in Manchester's airport, then the bus drove us to York where I think we spent 2-3 days. Had 3 seminars at the University of York about The Third Man, Henry V and Oranges are Not The Only Fruit and 2 tours. Then off to Stratford Upon Avon (a STUNNINGLY beautiful place, I must say), where we had a seminar on Richard 3 and a tour around the place... After which Cambridge for yet another tour... Then LONDON :D Went to Madam Tussaud's, the British Museum, took the Tube for an entire day, and watched Wicked at West End Theatre and Much Ado About Nothing at The Globe.

York was my favorite, without a question. EVERYTHING about York, including the really cold weather and scary Ghost tour stories, appealed to me. Stratford Upon Avon STUNNED me with it's beauty. Cambridge became freaking awesome after my friend reminded me that Isaac Newton, one of my heroes and role models, studied at Trinity College, and we say the window of his room at Trinity and his apple tree. London was SLIGHTLY disappointing... I suppose I expected a LOT more as I've been DYING to go to London for like 13yrs.

Anyway.... upload more next time :)
Lesson Learnt:

Don't

Love

Anybody.

I'll just get hurt in the end.