A pounding migraine, extremely shaky limbs, periodically tunnel vision, severe edema. All that prompted my rational self, as small as i've shrunk (or silenced) that part of my brain, to speak up loud enough to allow myself a day off. First time i've ever had a "day off" without bingeing at all. Maybe it's because the more dominant side of me hasn't shut up completely. All that food (i'm still under 900 so far in this normal day, for some weird reason) and I can feel my fear growing. I shouldn't feel this scared. I am still in control. It's okay.
I thought "Forget it, forget it. I need to eat. Forget it, go eat, just go eat." My water-swollen limbs made the number on the scale go up, though I couldn't properly register it, I was too dizzy. I ate anyway, despite the fact that the scale's needle had travelled in the direction of failure.
Why did I eat? My body won? I do not like to think that way. If it had won, I would have full-out binged. If my mind had won, i'd be exercising now, still dizzy and weak. I like to think the body and mind reached a compromise, without the usual self-torture. I don't plan to stay this way by tomorrow, though, I don't have to dig deep below the surface before I reach the (ir)rational fear. However, in the meanwhile, I shall enjoy, no matter how cautiously, this temporary state of perfect balance between the body and mind. A rare, almost normal episode in the roller-coaster power struggle between the two entities that is me in my life.
:) Have a great day, guys.
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