It's not about control, it's about losing control and the disease taking control of us. It's happening to me. Every single crumb that enters my mouth is calculated, every single moment, at least at the back of my head, is thinking about calories. How much i've eaten, how much more I can eat, how to burn the calories, how to avoid calories, how to lower my calorie intake but still allow myself to eat etc etc.
I eat in tiny bites, I feel SOOOOOOO guilty, even if it's just a slice of 125 calories white bread. I cut up all my food, I feel so nervous and anxious, for example, when I "treated" myself to a famous amos cookie my friend offered today, I could taste the chocolate, butter and sugar even in the ridges of my teeth for hours after that. Due to that, I couldn't stop jiggling my foot for a few hours after that.
It's never been this fast. I don't know if deep down I am scared.
I just feel the need to lose weight.
Grades:
General Paper: B (haven't got the other half)
Math: U (ungraded- the lowest grade)
Chinese U (Stupid language, I can't speak a sentence more that 5 words without halting and stuttering-.-)
Biology: D
Lit: D
Chemistry: A :D
A pass is an E, which is one grade lower than D. My grades are terrible.
CW: Exactly 7 stone D:
Still, it's lower than 100 2 days ago.
Hey, I haven't had a chance to get on blogger for a while so trying to catch up on reading / commenting. Sorry you didn't get the grade you were hoping for. I could tell you "But, hey, you got an A in chemistry!" or "There are lots of people that would kill for those grades!" or "You're good at lots of things; not just chemistry and general studies, but soccer and writing and being a friend" or "But you passed almost everything, and some things you passed really well!" and all of those things would be true... But I know that when *you* feel disappointed in something, no amount of someone else's praise will make it better. For what it's worth, though, I do think you did pretty well, *especially* with all the other things you're contending with at the moment.
ReplyDelete(Also, 7 stone??! Good grief girl, you're TINY!)
Just came across your blog, could not agree more.. about the control thing... I thought it was about control - hoped it would be.. now like you say the food is in control!!
ReplyDeletestay strong and beautiful.
Pix x