My head's gonna explode

I was supposed to stop starving. And then my mom's boss gave all the employees this darned machine which calculates BMR, body fat percentage, water percentage, etc. My BULIMIC sister's results for body fat: 19% and weight 39.8. BMI: 17.6 She's bloody thin and everybody is completely blind. I refused to step on it, and she patronizingly went, "It's okay, I won't see it". Which means she KNOWS she's bothering me. She's been making sure I know I'm fat ever since she's learnt the word, I wonder if it's forgivable if I say right now that ever since I realized she was a closet bulimic, I've hoped she'd die of it. I've never loved her and after all, it seems like my body image will NEVER improve as long as she's alive. I'm not sorry, I don't even LIKE, much less LOVE her.

I want to starve again, 2 weeks after convincing myself to "give it up". And last night I cut. I cannot wait to earn my own money and start living alone. For me, the biggest thing that signifies is THERAPY. I want to tell somebody, but they'll DEFINITELY FORCE me to tell my parents and the thing is whenever my mom sees a cut or two, it's always with my family. (I wear longer shorts at home, and when we go out as a family, my shorts are shorter) And my mom will say very loudly, insensitively, in my opinion "Are those CUTSSS??? Have you been cutting yourself?! LET ME SEE! Pull up your shorts!!! ....... NO?!!! Then why are those so REGULAR??"

I mean seriously, if you don't know how to deal with shit like this, then DON'T. She doesn't even consider how I might be feeling with the whole family's eyes on me. And a few months ago, I was with my family and I seriously needed to cut, like, urgently, so I tried an alternative, like whacking my leg with the other. My older, normal sis (announced, in my opinion) "Are you crazy.... always hurting yourself, what the hell man"

I hate my family, they are the biggest barriers to any hope of recovery. Hate them hate them hate them insensitive idiots.

And now i've been containing and dealing with everything so long I feel like my head's gonna explode. I need to deal with this and I CAN'T deal with it. My chest's gonna explode too. fml.

On another topic I AM GONNA GET A LONGBOARD!

But unlike all the other times with my skateboard and lotsa other stuff, this time I'm REALLY not gonna jump into purchasing it, I swear i'm gonna do some SERIOUS RESEARCH. Like, the brands/decks/trucks/etc, whether it's better to get a complete or assemble my own etc. Yup. I can barely wait. I'll probably but a complete one cuz to give a idea of the price, the cheapest wheels I could find online so far was about US$40 for 4 wheels or US$27 for 2 wheels...... yup, while the complete ones, including the shipping cost the cheapest I could find was US$189... so probably complete, but in Singapore, the average starting price for a complete one is S$250, reaching to prices of about $700.

I can't wait. For both the therapy and the board.