Life is hard, death is easy.

no time to type out my whole story yet. i want it to be as perfect as possible. it would be the first time i'm gonna tell anyone the whole story. yep. so i want the words to describe the feelings, the experiences best as possible.. i owe this to myself.

when i first got a taste of ED( this is also in the story) i would be almost literally green with envy and feel a thrill, when i see emaciated ED people. now, i just feel their pain. i see their stick thin, thin legs, their concave arms, their beautiful xylophone. i wait. waiting for the thrill, for myself to want to double over in jealousy.

nothing.

pain. i can't watch. i can't stop the tears from coming to my eyes. nobody sees them of course. i want to help them.

i saw N today.( the girl who's watching me like a fuckin hawk). i stepped out for a while, didn't i? so of course she has surpassed me. last time when she surpassed me in anything, i would be like WTH!! shit!! bitch.

today, i saw her thighs. she's turning into M..

forget it, it's too painful to think about it.

what's wrong with me??

i hurt so bad when i see them, when i think about them, yet, ain't that what i want?? fuckin hypocrite. but then again, i can't help it.

don't mind me.. i sound like that when ED is here.

have you ever reached this place before. well, if you haven't yet, i'll explain how it feels like:

it feels as if even if you look down at the scale, and you see 20kg, don't bother waiting for the high. it WON't come.

my ana buddy gave me a thick slab of 40calorie wheat biscuit today. it tasted .. bland. but it's BIG.. so.

crap.

WEIGH IN: NEXT TUESDAY.

normalcy now: inner turmoil TTM.

i support both Germany and Spain. hell. i think i'm 4 spain.. i find out as i watch.