Can't anyone tell that all that makes me immensely uncomfortable? I feel so small when a whole group of them actually listen up AND look interested when i speak.. i always wanna just drift off into silence, but out of obligation i finish my sentence. And those fucking compliments.. i hate hate them. I wanna believe them so badly, but there's this HUGE voice in my head yelling "fuckin bitch, you don't deserve it, they obviously don't mean it. Look at that face in the mirror. You call that pretty? YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. remember that. "
Fuck it. Stop complimenting me.
And another issue's when people try to get to know me. 90% of the time, i want to know them too. But there's this defense mechanism i have, once i sense anybody trying to get in, or if they already know me, trying to get too close, All the walls go right up. just like that. The worst people keep trying. I end up hating them. Yep. That's a bit of me for you to know..
I feel like cutting. And i almost binged just now. I had 1/4 cup of granola and i took 2 bites of something else when i Knew i was gonna hate myself for it to the max later. So i threw it away..
To hell with me. NO WAIT! What the hell am i talking about it? Aren't i already in it.
Life now seems like an endless race, where i have to keep running and running, faster and faster, no resting, no comfort. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm just tired of living.
oh dearie. i think we all know that feeling. lately i've felt it too, far too much, far too often. i hate it when people call me "skinny" coz i know i'm not, and instead of "pretending" to look interested, just leave me alone!
ReplyDeletehahah, not referring to you ofcourse.
we all have good days and bad days, but sometimes, we just gotta smile and pull through.
i'm hoping tomorrow will be better for you. :)
stay strong.
anna~
I keep that wall up as well. And I end up hating the people who really try to break past it. I have to be super-mean to them before they get the message, and then of course I get the reputation of being a huge b*tch.
ReplyDeleteGlad you stopped yourself from binging and cutting. Life can be a race, but all you can do is try and run for yourself, and not for anyone else. It's easier that way.
And don't be jealous of the hair - it was only smooth 'cause the lady at the salon styled it. :) When I do it myself, I need a whole can of hairspray, or it's a frizzy mess! I usually don't bother and just go around looking like Courtney Love.
Hope the rest of your week goes better!
xXx
I have distanced myself from my friends. One friend I used to hang out with just about everyday. I found a new friend who started as a gym buddy, but I've been distancing myself from her too. She likes to hang out after the gym and expects me to eat something. :-(
ReplyDelete