Skinny, please stay.

Becoming skinny again. I'll really really try to prevent christmas from fucking this progress up. :/

Not gonna take my weight this time till i'm really confident, cos the problem with me is that when i don't see what i wanna see i give up. Well that sucks..

Fat fest (aka Christmas dinner with extended family) tomorrow. Sighh.

Managed to skip breakfast plus burn calories this morning-without suspicion. Was supposed to wash the bathroom with my dad. Puh-lease. I hate him. And he wouldn't even do anything right anyways. So i did it myself. I wonder how many calories that burnt..:D

Stupid christmas..

Spanish class is fantastic. Gonna miss the next one though, cos i'll be in HK/ China. Sucks. Tried to ask the centre to postpone it.. it's a really important one. We'll be learning the important stuff like He, She, Is, The, Of etc etc. Really need that lesson. She said she'll do whatever she can. Pissed off. NEED. THAT. LESSON. I'm kinda like the best in class, and i really think it's cos i'm the most interested.

Replies:

J : Yes. Kinda scary, in retrospect. But i think the worst thing is that despite what happened, i know deep down i'm gonna do it again..

lov2laff : Thanks:) I told a friend who knows about it later last night.. Told her to force me to stop. I don't think it'll work.

Help wanted... NEEDED

Same old, same old.

Stand in the bathroom with the door locked.

One leg up on the stool in front of me.

Razor opened and ready.

Press the cool blade against my mouth, enjoying the cold.

Press the sharp edge of the blade nonchalantly against my thigh.

Sometimes i tilt my head to the side.

But today i just gaze emotionlessly at the blade.

Thinking about what i read once about "the understated glow of the knife"

A sharp, quick motion

But today it's different.

So wide, so deep, i wouldn't be surprised if it needs stitches.

I wait for the fear, the screaming, maybe.

Nothing, except my heart beats a little faster than before.

I question myself.

Is it fear?

I expected it to be.

But no, i think it was the feeling of unexplainable control

The one i get when i spit out a mouthful of food.

I don't know how it got there.

I really don't.

I squeeze the gash- this time gash, not cut.

Too big, you see.

A blood clot oozes out,

Rolls down my thigh.

Red beads follow.

The story continues in the same fashion

Soon my fingers are a bloody mess.

I've even managed to coax out more clots,

Now there's more than one red streak on my thigh.

All the while i'm waiting for the freak-out moment,

The physical pain that i should definitely be feeling.

Still nothing.

So i pick the blade up.

Look at it.

Wait for the moment of

"Fuck,

Why am i doing this to myself?

I need to stop

To tell someone so they'll stop me

To do something about this shit"

But nothing.

I even say aloud

"come on now. Feel it. Say it."

Nada.

I look at the big, deep gash on my thigh in the mirror.

Why won't the moment of realization come?

No tears even.

The gash is so big,

At least it should be throbbing.

Right?

I can't remember the last time i've felt so numb.

So numb i left the razor on the sink top.

Well, shit.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

10 years of friendship being thrown away for a bout of lesbianism. I thought this kinda shit only happened with guys?! Come on now.

Ehmagawd. the girl who i used to talk about, S, is getting really skinny again. NONONONONO. Please. Not a relapse. She doesn't need round 2, when round one nearly finished her off..

Spanish. I'm not learning enough. Once a week is not enough. Gonna buy a dictionary on Tuesday.

I don't wanna be normal and fat no more.

Puh-lease. What happened to the cheesy cliche "Friends are forever, boys are whatever" that i used to hear about when i was little? Doesn't that apply anymore? Or is it a whole different story when a lesbian is involved?

Are you a diaper?

No, why?

Then why are you so pissed?

P.I.S.S.E.D.O.F.F

Español!!

Hey guys! long time no post:( Really sorry.. I haven't even lost much weight. Kinda lost motivation for everything after my favorite dog died:( I threw away the T-shirt i wore to the vet to get her euthanasia.. sigh.

Gonna go for my first spanish lesson tonight. Been waiting for this day my whole life. Learning spanish has always been one of my dreams. Kinda had to beg for it and rechecking for new learning centres in Classified Ads cos it was too expensive. Anyways.

New plan. Exercising for at least 1/2 hour at least 4 times a week. My friend ran 4km everyday and ate normally and lost 3kg WOW

Going to China and Hong Kong soon.. Tell you all about how the spanish went yeah?:)