Chew it up and Spit it out

i have realised what these "urges to binge" mean.

i DO NOT want to binge.. i feel that way till i swallow, then i feel really fat and gross.

what my body really wants is to chew and spit out.

i ate over a thousand calories today before i figured that out. at least now it's much easier.. instead of controlling cravings, what i'm controlling is impulses, much much easier.. like how some people bite their nails i guess.. it's the action and not the food..

can you believe it.. my class mate was like: does anybody know where to buy scales.. cos i want to buy one so i can weigh myself everyday..

another person was like: oh.. i'm starting my fast on 1st july

another person was like: i go to the gym almost everyday or at least 3x per week to tone.

another person was like:i need to lose weight omgomg!!

another: sighhh.. i want to drink that drink.. but it has so many calories!!!

yeah and so on and so forth you get the idea......

goodness..

i saw the most anorexic girl(can i call her M?) eating today.

how ironic.

22

i have not eaten at all for 22 hours.

yepp.

i am now positively sure that at least 1/2 of the girls in my year is on a diet or trying to lose weight.

gtg. loads of homework

As busy as a bee, and on the brink of death

huh.Slowly getting ALL my control back.
my Ana friend is restricting like crazy. me too:D
She was practically boasting about all her successful ways around her family with the restricting thing.
We have noticed the sudden sharp rise in the losing weight fad in my school
i heard like 5?? people talking about losing weight and a few more talking about calories.
shit. they are sooo annoying. this is what happens in an all girls school. it's hell.. but good hell.
Stress of losing weight to the MAx now. AHHHHH.
Super alot of homework. no surprise. GCSEs in 3 months time..

i made up something for all those love sick girlies and boys in the world:
I know there's a 99% chance you won't love me back
but i don't let go
because 1%
is enough reason for me
to keep holding on.



i saw her today.
the most anorexic girl in my school.
it made me cry
at recess in the bathroom
now
probably for a few more days.
all i can say is that
she makes Agnes Buzala
Abbey Lee Kershaw
look
OBESE.



the second most anorexic girl in my school
put on weight
quite a bit
i feel
disgusted
immensely happy
at least i know for sure
one of my friends
wont die:)

I wonder..

Do you ever wish you could like yourself?

like yourself enough not to put yourself through this shit?

If we all loved ourselves, we would accept ourselves the way we are, right?

i think so.

i don't know.

fuck my life. i hope i die.

i know ill have to answer to god then go to hell after that.

i dosen't matter.

i'm already living in it.

This one,

the one i created for myself.

FUCK.