Fucked up diet

Today was going well. Was. I hadn't eaten for about 7 to 8 hours and then at around 2pm, i was pressurized real bad to eat this Stupid Stupid cupcake. i can only imagine how many damn calories were in there. And at 3.30, my dad brought my sis, my grandmother and i to eat.. i ate as slowly as possible.. at first to avoid looking suspicious, i ate a few normal mouthfuls. and then after that it was one strand at a time..

At least my stomach isn't bloated right now.. it's still pretty flat. And i didn't finish half of it:)

tomorrow, i plan to eat in the morning, stay in school till 4 plus to avoid lunch then eat as little dinner as possible and then fruits.

i'll try to spit out some dinner tonight.. i'm terrified of getting caught:(

i went to check up Bipolar Disorder on wiki; the yellow ones are the ones i DEFINITELY have:

Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder (also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.^[1] These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum

Depressive episode

Main article: Major depressive episode

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation.^[6] In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features.

Hypomanic episode

Main article: Hypomanic episode

Hypomania is generally a mild to moderate level of mania, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Generally, hypomania does not inhibit functioning like mania. Many people with hypomania are actually in fact more productive than usual. Some people have increased creativity while others demonstrate poor judgment and irritability. Many people experience signature hypersexuality. These persons generally have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They do not, however, have delusions or hallucinations. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness, though it carries the same risks as mania.

yeahh... last night i spent almost three whole hours daydreaming about the beautiful patterns i could cut into my skin. it slowly developed into fantasizing about suicide-alomost non stop ... suddenly it faded away and i entered into this state of "neutralness" where i just felt completely emotionless. Without warning, i suddenly couldn't stop grinning--Literally. I was laughing at everything in the universe, be it funny or not. I felt this incredible but uncontrollable leaping sensation in my chest, as if some humongous exhilaration had consumed me and the only way to tame it was to run around like a mad monkey. I tried to hold it in but what i really wanted to do was jump non-stop up and down, up and down. After like an hour of it i couldn't help giggling as i said to myself" how odd!! just two hours ago i wanted to kill myself!!" and then this word jumped into my head.. "bipolar".. so i went to check it up.. i was so high i couldn't sleep till two:( i still don't know much about it.. i was terrified it might last till this morning's paper and affect my grade! thank goodness it didn't .. i don't know how to get help. I bet my parents will hate me for being abnormal. And i'm sure my anti-anorexia sister would love to find out about my weirdness.