I'm so sorry Ana, so, so sorry

i cried last night, begging Ana for forgiveness. Ana, the demon of perfection that has always been in my brain. i could practically feel her seething with disappointment and crying with me.

I'm so sorry. there's no words to express her disappointment, my shame.

I promised her i would live by her book again.

i am now having earl grey tea for breakfast.

i should have told the teacher i am going to school to study next week. that way i could have signed up until 8pm?? then no need to eat dinner, telling the school i am eating at home, and telling the home i ate in school. i wish people would just accept us the way we are, then i wouldn't have to throw away so much food. 

when people tell you you're beautiful etc, how do you feel?

for me, i go home, look in the mirror, look at the scale, look at the fats, and go : you must be either deluded, mad, drunk or blind.

why? fats are disgusting!!! not beautiful!